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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous Thoughts About Life" Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor- Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor -Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor

Saturday, April 28, 2012

#AtoZ : Young Life

A sparrow built her nest in our garage and flew back and forth, even though our door remained closed throughout the day. We figured it was just a vacation home and didn't mind her mild, rent-free intrusion. However, we soon found five or so babies flying around dropping white poo balls on our cars, floor, and throughout our garage. I decided it was time for them to go, so I made loud noises, waved signs at them and shooed them away before closing the garage. This wouldn't have been so bad had a huge bird of prey not snatched a baby in its clutches. *Gulp*

No helmet–No ride

My husband and I decided to let the little poopers stay until they were big enough to protect themselves. Too late. We haven't seen feathers or poop for days. :(

Have you heard of Where's Waldo. Look below for a game of Where's the Birdie? It's in the photo.


Friday, April 27, 2012

#AtoZ : X - Stolen Innocence

B and I were in sixth grade and headed to the playground. On the way down the sidewalk, a man sitting on a stump asked for directions to Wilson School. Harmless enough.

Hot dogs
Next, the man mentioned how it was hot outside and wanted to know if we'd ever seen a man "do this" before. He unzipped his pants and pulled out something that looked like the end of a thick, uncooked hot dog without the ketchup, mustard, or even a bun.

While my friend stood gaping, I took off running. So, if a man ever asks me that question again, I will say, "Yes."

I bet you'll never look at hot dogs the same way again.



Thursday, April 26, 2012

#AtoZ : The Wabbit from Warner Brothers

For W, I came close to writing a post about our former president because there is plenty of humor surrounding him; however, I chose not to upset half my reading population with my politics. So, here's a post about someone more intelligent: The Warner Brother's Wabbit.


Who does not know and love that wascally wabbit Bugs Bunny? Although I've always been one who likes to sleep in, Bugs was worth getting up early for on a Saturday morning. Not only do I love his cleverness in escaping Elmer Fudd, but his Bronx accent is the best! They just don't make cartoons like Bugs Bunny anymore. Just think of the greatness America could have achieved, or the horrors we could have avoided, if W was as smart as Bugs Bunny!

Enjoy.



If you haven't had enough, here's another good one–short too.


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Monday, April 23, 2012

#AtoZ : Tattoos

My daughter and her friend got temporary tattoos.


I am thankful for two things: 

(1) My daughter Erica is the girl on the right–no offense Lisa, but you look freaky.
(2) These are TEMPORARY tattoos.

Although I've never had a real tattoo, I have decorated my body with some made from henna. These will last most people two weeks or so. Mine are usually shorter because after a week, I scrub my skin raw to make them fade.

Here's a collection of weird ones I copied from the internet. This would have made a good Wordless Wednesday post–darn it–but with the multitude of pictures, I can always hold out for "Tattoo Two" one day.

If I were bald, I would so have to do this. Teehee.

Prison Gang Tattoo
Kimberly requested three stars on her face then fell asleep and woke up to this.


Yeah. It's pretty bad miscommunication, but would you lend your face to the tatoo artist below? Duh!



Saturday, April 21, 2012

#AtoZ : Shots

Last week, a fifth grader headed into class late. I asked him where he'd been, to which he said, "I got eleven-year-old shots."

I said, "Why'd you get such old shots?"

He said, "Huh?"

"Why'd they give you eleven-year-old shots? Why didn't they give you fresh medicine? Don't the drugs expire after eleven years?"

He caught on and had a good laugh, so I asked him if he cried when he got his old shots? He laughed again. Boys don't cry over shots, do they? I wish I could have been as brave when I was a child.

As a youngster–four, five, or maybe sixteen–I don't remember, the doctor told me I was going to get a shot. Naturally, I did what any chicken would do, I took off running out the door in my underwear. I had a string of nurses and various other folks chasing me through the halls. Finally, they caught me. Yes, kiddies, there's no escaping the shot once the doctor orders it.

Also, as a child, I once told the doctor he was nasty. What did he expect? The man asked me to take off my clothes. But that has nothing to do with those shots that were never worth the sucker.

When it comes to shots, there's only one kind I like.
White Russian: shot vodka, shot kahlua, and milk

Friday, April 20, 2012

#AtoZ : Running in Place

At my school, us teachers are involved in a step counting competition. We each wear a step counter all day every day and try to up our mileage by running in place or any other something we can do. Although my team's current position is pathetic, we keep trying.

What's been especially fun is the multitude of junior personal trainers I've found sitting in my classes. On Tuesday, a group of boys at recess said, "Come on Ms. Lansky, run in place."

I said, "I will if you will."

They gave their okay and easily ran in place while playing four square at the same time. Never, ever, challenge a kid in a fitness contest. You will lose every time!

Last Friday was also fun as I headed around the playground with a small group of fourth graders. We sang walking in Memphis. What else would we sing in this city?

Too bad my step counter keeps turning off or not counting steps sometimes. It hasn't worked as well since I dropped it in the toilet.


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Wordless Wednesday : Q


Not knowing what to write about for the letter Q, I did research at Urban Dictionary. Here's what the letter Q means.

Q - fact "Q" is the only letter that does not appear in any of the names of the 50 states in America.

This is great information. I'm grateful that someone took the time to discover this!

Q - an O with a fancy tail

So does that make T an I with a fancy hat? Or maybe L is an I with a swollen toe? E must be an old F. You know–the way one gets when body parts droop?

Q - The bald, old scientist in the James Bond movies who always had the coolest inventions but none of the girls.

Having never been one to watch James Bond, I'll have to take this one as fact since it comes from a reliable source.

Q - A hi-tech nerd with no game.

Doesn't hi-tech nerd mean someone who plays lots of lame games?
 
Q - Powerful foe from Star Trek. 
  So that's what they call that dude.
Q - Cool, Hip, Fly

I'm so glad to become educated from Urban Dictionary. I had no idea, but now...

Are you ready?
 


Wait for it.



Here goes.



I raised my IQ.



Wednesday, April 18, 2012

#AtoZ : Playing With Barbie Dolls

My son used to play with Barbie dolls.





His sisters would leave their dolls in the bath tub, so he'd grab them around the waste. Next, Daniel would swing them through the air while making airplane noises and crash their heads into the wall.

My son used to play with Barbie dolls.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

#Wordless Wednesday Meets #AtoZ : "Oh, no!"

Here's why I don't automatically kiss boo boos:

Judy and me - 1991

My little girl darted to me while crying, "My Finger." 

Without question, I kissed it--to which she said, "I pee peed on my finger."


Monday, April 16, 2012

#AtoZ: Names

"I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up." ~Benjamin Franklin

My name wasn't in the paper, so I survived after the "M" post. Are you ready for N? 

When it comes to "Names," I've had a few. Growing up as the youngest of four children, my mother called me, "Ed, I mean Bar, I mean Be, I mean Joyce!" Good thing the dog's name didn't come before mine. 

Then there was dinner time when I wanted to know my Hebrew name. My parents might have given me one at birth but couldn't remember it multi-years later, so my brother told me my name was, "Boris." 

"No! What is my Hebrew name?" I'd ask.
He repeated, "Boris!"

Finally, I got married and had to know my Hebrew name. As it turns out, I don't actually have one because my name is Yiddish. "Sheindel." At least it's better than Boris.

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."  ~Erma Bombeck


Saturday, April 14, 2012

#AtoZ : Melting

I grew up in a Reform Jewish family in a secular community of St. Louis, yet someone near and dear to me has made the shift to Orthodoxy. During his transition to the religious life style, I flew into an airport on a Friday night, which is our Sabbath. He who shall not be named drove his car to the airport and picked me up. When we reached our destination, an ice cream cake was waiting for the birthday boy who had just driven a car. He refused to blow out the candles on his cake because it was the Sabbath, so we watched the cake melt all over the table.



To make matters worse, I'm posting about this on a Saturday, our Sabbath. If you don't see my post on Monday, you can assume God struck me dead from  a bolt of lightning.

I close with a re-post of one of my faves.


Friday, April 13, 2012

#AtoZ : My Lansky Love

Today, Friday the thirteenth is a lucky day for my husband who turns 47--he counts his years backwards ever since his fiftieth birthday. I'd love to get him a scrumptious cake, but it's Passover, so I'll have to figure out something else to make his birthday special. How about a post devoted just to him?

Although Mr. Lansky's first name is Mitchell, I refer to him as Superman. He's run seven or so marathons and has participated in too many triathalons to count. Last fall, Superman trained 150 people to bike 100 miles. Of course his unfit wife freaks on the major streets.

Not only is Lansky a super athlete but also a super husband as well. Superman does dishes, which every woman knows is highly sexy.

Furthermore, if I need something, be it feminine products or whatever, he will race out the door for me... and as an athlete, he's fast too. Also, Superman is highly intelligent. Not only did he get through law school and has been practicing for many years (still hasn't gotten it right since he practices), he also had the good sense to marry me.

In case that's not enough, my husband has been an outstanding father who has guided our three children into adulthood with patience and understanding. He knows how to talk to people whether its telling the kids what to do or negotiating million dollar deals. 

So, Happy Birthday, my Lansky Love!


Thursday, April 12, 2012

#GBE2: My Krib

GBE2's weekly theme is home. Since I already wrote my "H" post, I decided to call my home, "My Crib" or err "Krib." Hey, it's a humor blog. I can spell it any way I want.

See the white square in the center? That's our sun room.

I live on a great street for blogging humor. In fact, it's gotten to the point that when the police get the call from our neighborhood, they roll their eyes.  Maybe it's from the time our neighbor called to report her stolen car. She drove it three doors down, visited with a friend, then walked home. Oops.

Or, do they roll their eyes from the time the speeding kids took out our brick mailbox with Grandma's Cadillac--nah--that became a dot on the bridge for a few weeks later a car went airborne into the house on the huge hill at the end of the cove. No joke. The car crashed through the window, the dining room, and stopped on the back wall of the kitchen, where two drugged out teens stepped out unscathed and said, "Whoa!" Ironically, there were no tire marks on the grass.

Now the neighborhood kids joke,
"Let's take mushrooms and drive through the E's house!"


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

#AtotZ : Jump Rope Camp

Many years ago, I was a sponsor of the Riverdale Ropers jump rope team. This meant two one week sessions of Jump Rope Camp in Huntsville, Texas. Each year, the camp chose a motivational theme. I attended "Christmas in July" and "Super Heroes."

The talent at these camps was unbelievable! Upon arrival, Experts tested kids and divided them into ability groups for a week of intensive workouts. We'd all advance our skills and take this training back home. I say "we" because us adults put on Depends and limped to coaches' training. At the end of the week, we'd show off our skills with a huge performance for the entire camp.

While the kids performed triple unders and booty bounces, we jumped a fabulous routine to Batman music. With ropes behind our backs, like capes, we ran onto the center of the gym floor. Every time the music said the word, "Batman," we jumped twice. Life got tough when hearing, "Batman, Batman, Batman." That's six jumps which had us bent over and puffing. Our finale topped all when we tossed our ropes in the air and missed catching them.

Here's a sample of the sort of amateur performances by others.


And as you see, we jumped a lot to the chosen song! Every Batman meant two jumps.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

#AtoZ Meets #WW: "I am a Great Photographer"

Letter I - For "I am great!"
Our son "won" the PTA photo competition every year. (See the details under each photo).

Daniel's Kindergarten Photo Entry tied for 3rd place out of four entries.

1st Grade - Daniel took 2nd Place out of two entries.

2nd Grade "Triangles" placed Honorable Mention out of six entries.

Every year, Daniel marched up stage and accepted his ribbon in front of audience applause. After the third year of straight victory, he boasted from the back seat of the car. "I am a great photographer! I win the photo competition every year!"

My husband and I muffled our laughter and decided to let him think he'd won every year.


Monday, April 9, 2012

#AtoZ : Hebrews

When Tevya spoke to God, he said, "I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else."  Tevye was modeled after my grandfather's uncle, making me related to Sholem Aleichem, author of Fiddler on the Roof, and his grand daughter Belle Kaufman of Up the Down Staircase fame. I'm one of the people chosen to eat unleaven bread while others eat chocolate eggs.

I identify with Tevye when sitting around the Passover table. We enjoyed our family seders complete with our Haggadah, or seder book, that tells the story of our ancestors who were slaves in Egypt. The whole mishpacha took turns reading from the book. The best part of our seders, besides dinner, were the intellectual discussions. For example, we always end the seder with, "Next year in Jerusalem," but if we could really leave our homes and move to Israel for next year, would we? Or if God had only freed us from Egyptian slavery yet left us in the dessert to starve would it really have been enough? As Jews, we are taught to question thus providing great intellectual stimulation.

In the end, our story has not changed: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

After a week of eating matzah, maybe it will be a good thing to have left over Dulcolax from the colonoscopy.



Saturday, April 7, 2012

#AtoZ : Good Golly

In case you didn't read enough about my colonoscopy, here's more. First, we drove to the Surgery Center and parked near signs like this:



Which made no sense because patients undergoing procedures aren't allowed to drive. 

Next, I headed to the reception desk where the lady asked me to show ID, as if someone is going to fake being me so they can have a probe stuck up their butt. After a short sleep, all was fine.

Then I came home and watched Helen Hayes in Airport. Classic! Good golly, the world has changed. A lady stows away on an airplane by saying, "My son lost his wallet," while a man kung fu grips a bomb in a brief case onto a plane without screening nor questioning. Next, a pilot argues with the aircraft control, and they listen to him. Plus, a lady cuts in line to ask a question and gets a polite answer from smiling airport staff! Good golly.

Personally, Airport was good, but I like the remake better. Airplane!




Friday, April 6, 2012

#AtoZ : For You Son


 Today, April 6, is my son's twenty-fourth birthday. Happy birthday, kid. He may be a grown man but he's still a kid to me. Especially when he does goofy things like his mustachio bashio for St. Patrick's Day.


Or this photo of him goofing off in the department store.

May he always keep his childlike nature... like  keep it away from his sisters!

Here's a repost of a great clip of his. Too bad it happened during "No Shave November."


video


If you want to know why he is called Wilberfoss, here's a link. 
from my last year's W post.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

#AtoZ : EEEEEEEEK!

I'm home from work for two days. Wednesday morning, I saw my gynecologist... or rather she stuck my feet in those awkward stirrups and saw me. My youngest daughter–nineteen–has never had the pleasure of visiting this sort of doctor, so I made her an appointment in May and told her it doesn't hurt a bit. It's just like a trip to the dentist, except they're looking at the other end.

Next, I enjoyed a yummy lunch of vegetable broth soup, jello, and Sprite. At two o'clock the real fun began, and the gyno visit was the easy part of the day. Every fifteen minutes, I took four pills with eight ounces of fluid for an hour and fifteen minutes. To tell you what happened then would be too much information.

At seven, I repeated the whole disgusting procedure, but at least I didn't have to drink chalk like I did the last two times. I don't know why I took the last dose–obedient, I guess–but also ridiculous; there was nothing in me!

I took two potassium pills and swallowed four Dulcolax at bedtime. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight.

To top it all off, I got a Fleet Enema this morning. As if there's anything else in there. It's early in the morning, and I'm off to the St. Francis Surgery Center to have some lucky doctor look up my --- eeeeeeeek!


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

#AtoZ : Dancing

My Old Stomping Grounds

Thanks to Beth, the GBE2 group has graciously included letter topics that follow suit with the A to Z challenge, so here is a double whammy of #GBE2 and #AtoZ all in one post.

I tended to be a bit more outgoing in my youth. I'll never forget the time I visited The Deja Vu at the University of Missouri and found no one on the dance floor, so I grabbed a chair, waltzed out to the middle of the circle, and spun it around for a few rounds. Next, I knew others followed suit to bring about a floor filled with chairs and people. The most ironic part: I hadn't had a drop to drink!

The Early Years


While dating my husband, we used to go dancing all the time. I believe it was one of our first dates when he made the mistake of singing in my ear while on the dance floor. It took everything in me not to belt out a laugh over his grossly off tune tones. His singing is so bad that his high school music teacher told him to, "Shut up and lip sync." At least it wasn't a deal breaker.  


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

#AtoZ Meets #WW : Clever

I felt added pressure to come up with correct solutions when I couldn't think of an alternative "Wordless C" post.


I love Sudoku too–especially the five stars!



Am I "clever" or a "certified" nerd who spends valuable time on newspaper puzzles? 


Monday, April 2, 2012

#A to Z: Beautiful Babies

Daniel Son
Now that I've successfully raised three babies to adulthood, I have to wonder how they survived. Maybe their cuteness worked as a safety feature to keep them alive after they woke me at 3 AM. Daniel, our oldest, was the teaching model back in the days when we didn't know you were supposed to squeeze the snot snatcher before sticking it in the kid's nose, not after. Thankfully he was an easy going kid who didn't cry over our stupidity.

Judy the Cutie
Once we decided we were the perfect parents, Judy came into our lives. She had a habit of crying in restaurants when the mayor of Memphis was in the next booth. I believe it was three nights in close proximity when my husband grabbed the screaming kid to take her outside the building. These restaurants were in totally opposite sides of town, yet there he was--former Mayor Dick Hackett. Now that the young lady is twenty-one years old, she doesn't scream in restaurants. Of course, we never see the former mayor either. I think he quit dining out.


Erica our youngest
Erica, our youngest baby, was the ultimate pack and carry kid. By the time she got into her crib, she was so excited to be put down that she never raised a fuss. Maybe its personality because she's still easy going.

This was a favorite that hung in the Fox Photo Store

Can you guess the baby? That's what we do on those photos that we had forgotten to label.
I thought it was Erica, but Judy had said it's not. (?)

Where has the time gone? This photo's a little old too.
I miss the furry gray-faced child on the left. :(


Here are some recent photos in case you are interested. 
I still love my babies!

Daniel Son - age 24 in four days
My Judy and Me - age 21 (her not me)
You must have been a beautiful baby. Hey 19.