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My humorous thoughts about life.

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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Sign


With the doctors having a better lot, who else is going to park here? Nothing else is around. The sign must be to stop those trying to exercise by hiking two blocks to the shopping center rather than park in that free lot. If people work out, they might get better and not need doctors. Selfish jerks!

Note to the humor impaired: I'm kidding!



Sunday, July 29, 2012

#GBE2: Unexpected

I love the unexpected in film, whether it's a nerd in the shower or finding a golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. These are the little things that make movies worth watching because who wants to see the expected?


 As a youngster, my family visited a quaint little park called Dog Patch USA, located in the Missouri Ozarks. This closed theme park was based on the L'il Abner comic strip and had a cute hillbilly charm about it. I don't remember much at my young age, but I'll never forget the unexpected when opening the door to the men's restroom. I would have used the ladies' room, but a sign told me it was out of order. When I opened the door, a deep voiced man sitting on the pot screamed, "Close the dang door! Doesn't anyone have any decency around here?" Turns out the unexpected man was a statue with a taped message sure to scare the pee out of anyone looking for a restroom. So Dogpatch!


Years later, I remember the unexpected in college. I don't know why the full length poster of George Michael hanging in my room was unexpected because I'm the one who taped it to the dang wall to begin with; however, he scared the begeeze out of me when I spied him standing over my bed in the middle of the night. Little did I know back in the eighties, that handsome man star would have been more interested in my husband than me. Double unexpected.


Now-a-days, the unexpected usually means something bad like the handle falling off the microwave, a tick on the dog, or most recently, a 95 year old man smashing my car door while I shopped inside the target. It's not a good sign to hear over the store speaker, "Will the owner of a black, Volkswagon convertible please come to the service desk?"

It's been two weeks and we're still driving the rental car and waiting for the repairs to be complete. Should it be expected to be without my car for so long? I don't think so. Unexpected was fun as a kid. Now, not so much.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Silly Sunday: Newspaper Headlines

After seeing a headline that made me laugh, I wondered what other ones were out there that could make for good silliness on a Sunday. There are plenty!




I've seen her look better.





Shocker!





I could actually see my city doing this.






Gotta love the obvious.






Good job!






It's Kenny!






How did that happen?






I could hear a kid saying that.






Never make "belittling" remarks to a midget.


And finally, here is the headline that had me laughing hysterically.




The guy can't even be a tourist without making an idiot of himself. I apologize to my British friends for his many gaffs and insults to your country. And I understand our Mid East allies now need an apology too after his visit to Israel. Can you say "Diplomacy FAIL?"



Thursday, July 26, 2012

Theme Thursday: Connections

Will be published Feb. 2013
Today I visited the place where connections are made. I waited an hour to be a part of the connection, but that hour went fast because I had Ruta Sepetys' new book "Out of the Easy" about the daughter of a prostitute struggling to escape the New Orleans under world. Although I'm not quite halfway finished, it's already proving to be as amazing as her first book, "Between Shades of Gray." I'm back to revise because of the constant comments about this post, that has nothing to do with the book "Fifty Shades of Gray." Ruta Sepetys did NOT write a sex book. She wrote a young adult historical novel "Between Shades of Gray" that also made the New York Times best seller list. It's about Stalin, not sexual bondage. Yes, I've made a connection with Ruta's book, but that's not the connection I was waiting for.

Finally they brought me into the back office and fitted me into a stunning blue dress. Then the fun began! I placed a part of my anatomy between two plastic plates and finally the two pieces connected with a flat me inside. Until next year...




What are you looking down here for? A picture of me in the machine? Dream on. This is not that kind of humor blog.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Cousin Katie's Super Heroes

My cousin Katie's baby is Spiderman.



She is expecting baby #2.

 Will it be:



a boy?


or




a girl? 

Either way, the baby will be super!

Monday, July 23, 2012

#GBE2: Breathless or Breathmore?

What in life has left you breathless? If something did leave you breathless, wouldn't you be, uh, like dead? Living folks are certainly NOT breathless.

I can think of a few situations in which I've left one breathless. Years ago, I took a physiology class where many poor frogs' brains got scrambled by my lab partners. I never pithed a frog because I couldn't bring myself to turn a living creature into a vegetable. As awful as it was for those poor amphibians, one science experiment has stayed with me forever. It left the creature breathless.

Flat Frog Lungs
After pithing the frog, we removed it's lungs and connected them to a compression unit. I believe those flat gray things on the right are lungs; however, they enlarged quadruple the size and became pinkish with a little air pushed into them. Then we'd release the air and watch them deflate leaving the little guy breathless. This, dear readers, is the only time I've left anyone breathless... unless you count the flies I've swatted or spiders I've sprayed with Windex. I'm too scared to get close enough to smash them, so Windex does more than cure pimples.

I've also made myself almost breathless from running or heavy exertion. I remember doing a runners' series years ago. As depicted in the clip below, I felt like the hippo at the end of the stampede scene from Jumanji. Tired I was, but not totally breathless or I wouldn't be writing this post.



See the fat little hippo trailing behind the fast, fit animals?                                                                                                                              
That's me on the left.
I wonder if I've ever left a reader temporarily breathless when they laughed so hard they couldn't breath. Hopefully, no one died from reading my blog. Then again, if one laughed that hard, one would eventually pass out, pee one's pants, and life would continue. Whew! Dodged that murder rap.  Death by surfing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Whether good or bad, shocking events make me breathmore. If someone were to stick a gun to my head, I'd hyperventilate from fear. Then maybe I'd faint, in which case I'd be breathing less than I had before, but I still wouldn't be breathless. Why did the infamous they define "breathless" as short on breath due to excitement or other strong feelings? It doesn't work that way!                                                                                                              
If I caught sight of something magnificent, like the Grand Canyon or a snow-capped mountain, once again, I think I'd go into a state of breathmore with the thrill of it all.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
 
The English language is strange in how we define our words. Next time you see something stupendous, think about it. Does it leave you breathless or breathmore?
 
                                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Theme Thursday: Distractions

This week's topic is distractions. I'd write about it, but I must take a shower first. I think best in water anyway. This is a family friendly blog, so don't even think about looking for a shower photo.

I didn't take a shower, but I folded laundry and watched the end of "While You Were Sleeping." I love that movie! Although I've seen it bagillion times, I still tear up at the final scene. I'd finish this blog post, but I've got to go to the eye doctor and one day this week I need to pop by school and pick up my portable key. If I don't get my room together before school starts, it will be a rough beginning to the school year. Perhaps I'll even stop by Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get coffee cups for my Kerig machine. I have a 20% off coupon. It's expired, but BB&B will take any coupon no matter when the expiration date.

You know what's weird? My computer told me I'd misspelled "expiration." I tried various letter combinations before deciding to look it up. Ironically, when I typed the word into my dictionary, I suddenly knew how to spell it. Why is that? It happens all the time.

Where was I, oh yes. Contacts. I'll finish this later.

I haven't left the house. My husband called. We have an additional guest coming in August. We are housing four boys for the Maccabi event in Memphis. We originally requested four kids but had only gotten three, so an additional visitor is good news. I called his mother and sent an email.

Mitchell is coming home, so I'm not going to head out yet. I put some eggs on the stove and am making egg salad for lunch. The eggs should be about ready so I need to toast some bread. I've been meaning to chop up the celery. I guess I'll do that too.

I'm supposed to write about distractions, but I've decided that's a silly topic that I know nothing about. I have no distractions in my life.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Red Team Captain

Hooray for my energetic daughter who led her team to the jaws of defeat in her recent camp color wars!

 
Grrrr!


Thumbs up if you love El Captain!


Where were the male counselors who promised to show up for tug of war?


Wait until next year when the red will rise again.

It took me awhile, but I finally figured out how to do the linky thingy, so link up!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

#GBE2: Educated By Big Sister


As I listen to my older sister saw logs, I am reminded of the best educational tidbits I've received, all from her. Bev and I grew up sharing an attic bedroom; however, I never snapped a picture of the slanted ceiling, yellow walls, green carpet, or gigantic window overlooking our driveway. This is why our childhood room is only in my mind and not on my blog.

Bev was notorious for talking in her sleep, thus giving me a great education and entertainment. While sleeping, she told me about being in the corner with Rusty. Mm hm. My favorite nighttime activity was the time I told her how she didn't like chocolate then listened to vehement sleep cries that she did. Then with further prompting, she begged me for the nonexistent candy bar. 


Bev also educated me during our waking hours. Before I entered middle school, she explained the full list of dirty words and what they meant; however, she refused to tell me the meaning of the "f word" because it was just too naughty to explain. I'm still waiting to find out.

To make sure I never rotted out my lungs with a horrid habit, Bev forced an unfiltered cigarette on me in grade school. Yep! It was nasty enough that to this day I am not a smoker.

I am currently in Dayton because her daughter just had a bridal shower. I passed a naughty bit of lingerie to Bev's daughter. This thing was given to me twenty-six years ago by guess who? ... although sister Barb was just as much to blame. I'd go into detail about it, but knowing that my daughters frequent my blog, I best not inform you about that bit of education. I am, however, happy to say that it is no longer mine.
Ahh, education. I bet you thought my post would be all about my teaching job. Psych!



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Theme Thursday: Inspiring Things

This week's Theme Thursday has given me a blog topic and an array of questions that need my wisdom. Let's give it a try, shall we?

Do you see inspiring things each day?

I'm not sure if I've seen anything inspiring today. Maybe outspiring, or whatever the opposite of that would be. I'd planned to fly to Dayton; however, just like Beth the alien traveler, we humans must also pick up headaches in Atlanta before going anywhere. The plane I was supposed to get on was running late and I was informed that I would miss my connections. So I had a choice... hmm... spend the night in a dumpy Atlanta hotel or reschedule for tomorrow. 

Am I supposed to feel inspired by that? Maybe so. I've created the best book characters from the lousiest people I've known and the worst situations too. If you ever treated me poorly, be afraid, be very afraid. And buy my book, after I talk someone into publishing it,  just to make sure you're not in it.


Do you wake up and hop out of bed then hurry to get ready to start your day?

Are you kidding me? This is summer. Why in the world would I hop out of something as delightful as my bed? If anything, I've recently stopped hopping because it sets my head spinning. Instead, I sit at the edge and wait for my blood pressure to rise enough to not get a carpet burn at the tip of my nose from keeling over. I'll leave the hopping to Kangaroo Jack. This movie was pretty bad in the stupid kind of way. I'd say it ties with Solaris. 


Even the actress fell asleep!
Have you seen Solaris? It had one funny scene. Someone asked George Clooney how a lady got on the space ship. He said, "I don't know. I just woke up and she was there."

My sister leaned into me and said, "I just woke up and she was there too." Yes, strangers, that is why we laughed hysterically in the middle of that boring movie.



What inspires you?


You do. Every time I get a comment where someone tells me I made them laugh, I am inspired to do it again. In fact, I am so inspired that I need to talk an agent into representing my book because I guarantee it will make kids laugh. After all, I've used a few of Bruce Coville's magic words in my book. "Fart." "Underwear." "Butt." Yes, folks, slap these words into kidlit and you've got an instant chuckle. If these words made you laugh too, don't admit it! 


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: I Won!

I entered a contest at Empty House, Full Mind and won this beautiful set of coasters from the Recycled Album Art Shop. I love them so much that I'm wondering who I could buy a set for.

I chose an album that I love!

They take retro albums and turn them into coaster sets which are sealed in a strong coating and placed on wooden blocks with cork pads. The edges have been sanded smooth.




Plus, I got this cool basket made from the album.




Check out their site: Recycled Album Art Shop. I had a blast browsing through their many choices of coaster sets. They also have greeting cards and other cool bowls.



I've always been a STYX fan. Now I have a cool basket and coasters from my favorite album. These are the best of times!


Sunday, July 8, 2012

GBE2: Where's Beth?

Our blogging buddy Beth has chosen to remove herself from our internet world due to unknown business she must attend to. Rumor has it she's run off with Johnny Depp, who denies breaking up with his woman. Those of us who have followed Beth for awhile, know this is not what happened. 

Beth says, "Sometimes you have to step away from something in order to see it clearly," but what this really means is her Earth-like eyes must be recharged in order to allow her to continue her clear sight.

Yes, folks. The truth is out. Beth is clearly an alien, and I'm not talking about someone sneaking into the country from Mexico. I mean "alien" as in from another planet.

If you don't believe me, let's take a look at the various posts from Word Nerd Speaks. While swimming with her grand daughter Beth writes, "We peeked up over the edge of the pool, careful to avoid being seen by any humans." Why would she be scared of humans seeing her? Does water cause her to change into her greenish-yellow sixties style skin? There's clue number one about Miss Beth.

You think she's normal and I'm full of it? What about her famous expression, "Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy." She's even written, "Hot-diggity-damn-dog" and "Zippity-Do-Da-DONE" on posts. Who uses these expressions today? Yep. Not only is she an alien, but one who studied old tapes before landing here. 

That's Beth with her grandmother. Grandma had a head of gorgeous white hair. Beth hopes hers ultimately comes in that same color. I hope hers comes in looking human-like.









Beth writes, "My sense of smell is freakishly acute." Smell is very important when visiting other planets. If she didn't have an extremely acute sense of smell, she might accidentally eat something that doesn't agree with her alien body. This is a common trait among visitors from other planets.

Does this person look human?
She even writes about how others see her. "He thinks I’m weird. In fairness to him, he’s not judging harshly. I most certainly am weird." You're not weird Beth, at least I'm sure they don't think that on your planet.

Further proof, look at the searches people use to find her blog: crazy and sexy surgeons (translation - how to look human); pouty breasts (She claims her lips were pouty. It must be hard to get everything right when imitating the human form) ; and finally "my toes" "are" "long" "ashamed" (Ditto. Other alien errors, but it's okay Beth. With your shoe wearing habit, I'm sure your toes didn't give away your alien status).


"What really matters has nothing to do with the exterior," writes Beth in bold. Well, of course. We know that exterior isn't yours anyway. So get your earthy features tuned up and come back to join us soon. What does Beth have to lose? After all, we all know the truth.

All photos were stolen from Beth's blog. Picture swiping is something she despises, so hopefully she won't zap me with her giant ray gun when she returns to our planet.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Theme Thursday: Life's Uncertainties

Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and if you eat a boatload of asparagus, your pee will stink in the morning. However, this week's Theme Thursday is not about certainties, but rather uncertainties. You know them. It's when you pass the perfume counter at the department store, see a sample and without any thought you spritz a little on your wrist. Next you know,
you smell like a dime store prostitute and that person you just interviewed with for the job you really want is headed toward you. Wait a minute, uncertainties, uncertainties, that's another certainty.

Let's try again with this topic. You find a four leaf clover, put it on the table for good luck, and you just know everything great will happen. However, you only end up with wilted leaf stains on your furniture and the same bum luck you always had. Dang! Another certainty.

Maybe this topic is talking about those things you don't expect to happen. Has anyone ever had a blow out? I did. Years ago while driving on the highway, I heard a boom and then my car bounced up and down like a kid after eating too much candy. Except unlike the child, smoke came out from under my hood instead of what comes out of a jumping toddler. It's a certainty that I'd cough over smoke or vomit, but uh oh, uncertainties.

Check out this funny website. http://www.heftyhumor.com/

This topic is hard. With my fifty years of life experiences, nothing surprises me anymore. I will die one day, I will continue to pay taxes, and don't get near my pee because I LOVE asparagus. That's a certainty. What's uncertain is when I'll die, how much I'll owe in taxes next year, and how long into my old age I will be able to control my bladder. There! Life's uncertainties. Are you satisfied?