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My humorous thoughts about life.

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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Theme Thursday: What's Cooking? NADA

How ironic to be given a prompt asking, "What's cooking?," the day after my twenty-six hour fast. Yesterday, Yom Kippur––The Day of Atonement, meant a full sundown to past-down-again of reflecting, praying, and empty bellies. 

Each year, I'm amazed to see how easy fasting is for me. In fact, I was so involved with getting my house ready for the break fast, that I failed to watch the clock and went five minutes past supper time! I confess, I did a little evening cooking and baking, but no tasting. If I can go a full day without food or drink, why can't I say, "No" to that second helping or fattening dish? Our minds truly contain the potential to control that thing called our body if we're serious enough to do so.

Last night, a story circulated from one of the Orthodox synagogues in town. A teenage girl fell ill due to lack of food and passed out during the afternoon service. Someone made the mistake of yelling, "Is there a doctor in the house?" 

Practically the entire shul rushed to her aid, with the exception of a couple dozen lawyers pondering, Who pushed her? or Is there a loose tile below her feet that would make a good suit? And of course the temple contained those mentally challenged folks who became accountants. Cool your jets––I'M KIDDING! But in all honesty, we are quite an educated group of people.

The girl was fine. Her ego contained a few bumps and bruises, but no more than those I acquire daily.

If I have offended anyone this year–like accountants, please accept my humble apologies, but also realize I attended Kol Nidre services. This is a most important time when we admit to G-d that we'll probably sin all over again because after all, that's what humans do.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Silly Milly

I've preset this Wordless Wednesday entry to post since I won't be able to visit many blogs or link up to many posts this week due to a religious holiday. Please link up if you wish, and I hope to get back to you eventually. To those who celebrate, have a blessed and wonderful new year. Everyone else needs to have a wonderful week too.
  
Erica has had fun playing with our dog's image.



Queen Milly


Milly in Space


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Silly Sunday: ⚡Bar Flys⚡

Wonderful artwork by Kevin Smith. Check out his other illustrations at Creative Spark Studio. Kevin designs lots of cool posters, T-shirts, logos, and even photo restorations. Don't worry, he won't destroy priceless paintings of Jesus. ;)


⚡Bar Flys⚡ 

For just $39.99, you can be a fly on the wall and watch your kids consume massive amounts of alcohol, listen  to conversations (she's just a friend, hmm?), and not let them see you blush.


Does your son really pick up half-dressed women with too much eye-liner? 

Is the elastic at the waistline of your daughter's shirt inching upward while the neckline's slipping down?

Find out the answers today by calling 1-800-Bar-Flys. Down one capsule with a pint of beer and off you'll buzz to the twenty-something scene. Plant your hairy legs on a wall to hear and see all for this one time limitted offer. 

With Bar Flys you can be flying into the bar for only $39.99.


Uses
✦temporarily stops Ωβs, ΠϕΔs, and any other fraternity creeps from hitting on your daughter. Ever try successful flirting with a fly repeatedly landing on your nose, ears, or private parts? 
✦also effective to stop son when he acts like Ωβ or ΠϕΔ 
✦provides light buzz

Warnings
Do not use at ball games, plays, or any other event that contains programs. Accidental swatting may be fatal. Overuse of Bar Flys may result in
✦nervousness
✦jittery movements
✦attraction to sugary substances
✦seeing octuple

 Don't drive a motor vehicle or operate machinery when taking Bar Flys. Accidents can occur when drivers lose human dexterity.


"It works! I've grounded my kids for life," -Eves Drop


 Bar Flys! Get it today through this 
 special offer!
1-800-Bar-Flys

And if you act now, we'll throw in one free Car Ant that will allow you to see if that son really stopped texting and driving.













Thursday, September 20, 2012

#GBE2: Behind

Behind, bottom, bum, buttocks, backside, breech and all the other words that Beth had no intention of us using for this topic.

Everyone who visits my blog deserves a visit back, but I'm so behind and only get further so each day.

H iny--that thing we want to be tiny. Kids laugh when one says words that depict this part of the anatomy. If you laughed too, don't admit it... or better yet, you might like the kidlit that I write. :)

I would love to have the time to post stupid stuff everyday, but there is too much to do, and I'm behind!

N ot sure why the red only covered half of the letter. At least the letter is covered on the bottom. Ah, ha, ha, ha!

D errier is the French word for... well, just guess. I am so BEHIND in all I have to do that it's amazing I got a post up tonight!

I hope this isn't too lame.



Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: SCBWI Conference Photos–A Unique Perspective

At the end of the Midsouth SCBWI conference, I realized I hadn't taken any photos for Wordless Wednesday, so I snapped some quick ones.

The hotel had beautiful carpeting...


and ceilings.



The chairs were also interesting.




The Hilton provided complimentary coffee and ice water.

You expect to see pictures of famous writers, editors, and agents from a writer's conference? Remember, this is a humor blog!

Oh, okay. Here is a homemade movie of the gifted and talented Dan Yaccarino and me.


video


Don't you hate it when your camera takes a movie instead of a still photo?

Willa's Wild Life is an even better film than the one above.

Seriously, I had a great time at the conference and got a lot more out of it than these goofy snapshots that are good for messing with my readers. Hopefully, I even met someone who will want to take a chance on my humor.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Silly Sunday: Message From Hillary

Hey, Readers!

I got an e-mail from Hillary Rodham Clinton... although I don't remember her grammar being so off.



Check this out:








I write to inform you that your fund valued at US$10, 500,000 have been release by Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS). An ATM card with the same value of fund have been uploaded to your name in an ATM card. You are advice to contact Mr. Leo Steve, with his email (#^$%^$GRR.com) or by phone: +############ for immediate delivery of your ATM card, you only need to pay for the delivery fee for the shipment. Contact him immediately with your contact address and the shipment fee for your ATM card delivery. Best Regards, Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton U.S. Secretary Of State.






Sent By:
"Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton"   






Here's a hint: If you are going to impersonate someone as intelligent and sophisticated as Mrs. Clinton, you best make sure you SPEAKA DA ENGLISH!


Thursday, September 13, 2012

#GBE2 Meets Theme Thursday: An Impulse Made Me Have That Conversation

Every time I post something political on Facebook, my daughter Judy says, "Mom! Don't do that. You're not going to change the minds of those who don't see things your way, but you will make them angry and quit following you."


She may have a good point but those darn impulses make me have these conversations. How can one not answer the absurdities that some folks post on Facebook? How do I not share that fine tuned point that may just sway the one undecided voter left in this country? People whine that they don't want to read politics on FB, but as for me, I don't want to read about what you ate for dinner. Is it not important to enter into conversation about the future of the free world? What better time do I have to make an influence on the next thirty years than today? After all, the Supreme Court is at stake as well as our democratic right to vote.


Every morning, the conservative talk show blasts through my radio and I get my blood moving by listening to the idiocy coming through the airwaves. This morning, Andrew Clarke had the nerve to say, "No one is using voter ID laws to keep people from voting."

Really, Andrew? It sure looks that way to me. Why not allow any ID to work? Do you really think a young person will forge a college ID just to vote? Half of them won't even bother voting when given the right. More people are being denied the right to vote than questionable ballots to begin with. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a slick Republican strategy to steal the election... and if we're not paying attention, it just might work!


Let the impulse take you and join the conversation before it's too late.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Erica's Hot Friends


Erica is having fun at college partying with her professor and a few friends. She said, "If sexual orientation is a choice, I chose to be straight the first time I saw a six pack!" 

Whoo, hoo! 
Don't get burnt by the hotness around you, Baby.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Silly Sunday: The Monkey Whisperer


One of my fifth graders made me this delightful, little sign that proudly hangs in my classroom. Like everything else, there is a story behind it; and yes, it's silly enough for a Sunday.

I started this school year with a fabulous tale about how I spent my summer vacation. Okay, it wasn't really what I did over my months off because kids don't want to hear about their teacher laying around the house after surgery. Instead, I told a stunning lie about my trip to Africa with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. 

To make my story believable, I began by showing the kids a picture of young Brad Pitt in my University of Missouri yearbook. Once I had the logical reason of how I know him, I spoke about how Brad and Angelina wanted a pet monkey for their many kids. Furthermore, since I speak to monkeys, they wanted my help with this endeavor. 

To add interest to the story, I did my monkey imitation, which is quite good if I do say so myself. "Hoo, ha, ha, ha, ha." After I talked a monkey out of attacking Angelina, she invited me to California to act in her movie, Jane's Journey, about Jane Goodall the monkey lady.

My great, great, great, great, great, great, great whatever

My students' mouths dropped as they said, "Really?"

I said, "No, but it was a fun story, wasn't it?" 

This led into a writing prompt about "the summer you wish you had," which is a lot better than the boring, "Write about your summer vacation."

In conclusion, the kids have dubbed me a monkey whisperer, and thus the sign. ☺


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Theme Thursday: Temptation

I'll never forget that day back in the seventh grade when my classmate placed a cheat sheet under a desk during a test. Although the scrap of paper was in my clear view, I told myself I wouldn't look at it, but oh, the temptation when I came to that one question I didn't know. I took a quick peek before writing the answer. Next came the guilt. No one knew I cheated but God and myself; however, I was so bothered by this one event, that I never cheated on another test again.

Unfortunately, my college classmates did not resist the cheating temptation. The professor broke us into teams and had each group write five test questions to go along with his questions. I studied for that test only to find myself totally shocked when I learned about rampant cheating throughout my class. Apparently, many of my classmates, in helping people professions, passed questions from group to group. My faith in humanity was shattered.

Looking back, maybe I should be glad I broke temptation in that seventh grade class for if I hadn't, perhaps I'd never know how awful feeding into temptation feels.

I know of two people who have misread my actions and believed me to not be of high moral character. How does one convince another that they are totally wrong once the mind is made up? Being one who has always prided herself on having a strong moral character, this is one of the most frustrating and offensive things in my life; however, sometimes people believe what they want to believe whether it's reality or not.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Who Done It?

We left our jar of sunflower seeds on our kitchen countertop with the lid securely fastened; however, when we got home, we found the jar empty.


The teeth-mark covered lid was close to the empty jar.


We have three suspects to this crime.

Suspect #1. Honey Bear

Honey Bear


Our four year old golden retriever who has never done anything wrong in our years together.

HB's Chompers

Suspect #2 Millie

Silly Millie

Although six year old Millie likes to chew, she is a bit vertically challenged when it comes to countertops. 

Millie's Chompers
 The red top did not fit in Millie's little mouth.


Suspect #3. Ruby (The Logo Dog)




Five-year-old Ruby has a long history of multiple crimes. Her favorite chew toys consist of underwear and Millie. This crazy granddog came to stay with us last month because her master is in the process of moving to Nashville. When the dogs were asked about the crime, Ruby was the lone ducker. 

Ruby's chompers
So I ask you Dear Readers, who done it?


Sunday, September 2, 2012

GUTGAA Meet and Greet

I am joining Deana Barnhart's week of fun. To get in on the action, hop over to her blog at GUTGAA. Now for the meet and greet I will give you the rare opportunity to get to know me by answering her questions.


-Where do you write?
Where don't I write? I like to sit at the dining room table, kitchen table, or curled on my love seat, preferably with a little love dog by my side. 

-Quick. Go to your writing space, sit down and look to your left. What is the first thing you see?
I spy with my little eye a Millie dog stretch on the couch. That's right, she's not on my lap this time.

-Favorite time to write?

I like to write on week end mornings or at night. 

-Drink of choice while writing?

While writing, I'll occasionally sip a cup of coffee (mornings), water, or Crystal Light sweetened water. Currently I have nothing to drink and my mouth is a bit parched. Excuse me while I fetch a cup of water.
Ah. That's better, but now I have to–TMI. My Honey Bear dog likes to push the door open for a little toilet love. 
-When writing , do you listen to music or do you need complete silence?

I'm what you call adaptable. Sometimes I write in silence while at other times the TV drones in the background. If I'm in a serious writing mood or struggling to make progress, I'll dim the lights and wrap my head around a bit of classical music. 
-What was your inspiration for your latest manuscript and where did you find it?
When I was a child, my mother told me to never eat anything unwrapped on Halloween. Being obedient to a fault, year after year I passed up Mrs. Zimmerman's amazing homemade donuts because, yeah, they weren't wrapped. 
This gave me the idea of a child strangled in a cocoon of mother trying to break free into a fun but daring life. Not that my mom was overly protective, she wasn't, but I've known helicopter parents who breed children who can't do a thing for themselves. These kids need a story about too much mother love. Furthermore, a third grader with a spiky Mohawk and lots of personality gave me my main character's mentor and thus MRS. ZIMMERMAN'S DONUTS was hatched.

-What's your most valuable writing tip?
Replace "be" verbs with action verbs. I know it's basic, but I've see many writers ignore this beginning writing tip. Those who learn to strengthen verbs blossom to a whole new level.



 

Saturday, September 1, 2012