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My humorous thoughts about life.

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Thursday, February 28, 2013

#GBE2: Tribute to Rita Rudner

This week's GBE2 Theme is Tribute, so as a humor blogger, I choose to focus on one of my comedy role models, Rita Rudner. Years ago, I saw her live in Memphis and have used her "Don't pull the plug until I'm a size six" joke ever since.

Here are a few Rita Rudner quotes.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.


And finally, here is a fun Rita Rudner clip.

 

   



Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: A Frickin' Elephant

As five-year olds were learning to read, one of them pointed at a picture and said,"Look! It's a frickin' elephant!"

And so it was...


African Elephant


 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Being Misdirected

The Girl Scout leaders tried to teach us how to perform the tinikling dance of the Philippines; however, they must have misdirected me because I kept bruising ankles and tripping over poles.

After pointless rehearsals, they slapped a grass skirt on me and the other uncoordinated scout and stuck us at the front of the stage to wave our arms back and forth. See what happens when one is misdirected? However, a lack of rhythm (or direction) never stopped me from dancing with a chair at the Deja Vu.

Now I'm full of rhythm. Just watch me in my movie premiere. I have a fist pumping solo dance and a group scene in which I'm the one in the yellow sunglasses (not Sponge Bob) who's a beat off from everyone else, but it's only because I was misdirected.





Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Theme Thursday: Confessions

Mrsupole at Theme Thursday has given us the topic of Confessions. She hints that we could clear our conscience from the immoral acts we've committed. Like that is gonna happen! This is tough because I've never done anything even remotely worth confessing; but I'll spill three secrets.
 


1. I like the smell of skunks and have never understood why everyone yells, "Oooo" when that delicious scent wafts through the air. Come on, admit it. You know you like it too.


2. When I wake up in the morning, and it's a quarter to one; I want to have a little fun; I brush my teeth. Teeth brushing is a treat--just ask my kids. When they were small and misbehaved, I'd threaten to not let them brush their teeth. I know it's cruel and unusual punishment, but I never carried it out. The threat was all I needed to instill perfect behavior.





3. I once danced with a chair at the Deja Vu. The music played, but no one ventured onto the dance floor. After receiving dance refusals from a few men too chicken to be the first on the floor (at least they didn't say, "F%&* you like the creep in middle school), I grabbed a chair and kicked up the party. Actually, that's not the confession. This is: I was sober.




Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: Appreciated!

Here are a few of the Valentine's I received from my students. I teach a pull out program called APEX for Intellectually Gifted kids. I feel super appreciated.














Sunday, February 17, 2013

Musical Monday: Weird Al

It's Musical Monday, so here's a fun song fit for a humor blog.





Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Friday, February 15, 2013

#Dayum!

My friend Kathy from the Giggling Trucker's Wife has asked us to write about what we are passionate about, so I've included a list of these things below.

1.




Dayum!


My daughter says I can't remember anything because I drink diet soft drinks. That must be why my list is blank.



Dayum!


Furthermore, the commercial states that the average person spends the same amount of time in the bathroom as on vacation. I spend more time in the bathroom.



Dayum!


Kathy writes, "If I didn’t pursue my passions, I think life would be pretty dismal.  Pursuing passions makes life worth living and more meaningful." I haven't pursued much recently.






Dayum!

It could be worse. I could be on a broken down cruise ship with sharks, or err lawyers, swimming all around. 

Here's a fitting commercial for Carnival.




Dayum! Dayum! Dayum!


Thursday, February 14, 2013

#GBE2: The Crowd

      
She munches a skinny sprig of celery and then sends it to her personal jacuzzi. 
Or perhaps, she'll pretend to enjoy an apple--a starter food that avoids the crowd as it churns to oblivion before it rains 
                              peanut butter crackers

                  The storm always comes. 

Still trying to stay healthy with a bit of protein, she searches for the perfect snack. 
But a healthy treat is not what she craves--
only a filler to stall a rising crowd in her acid pool

Chips
                                     Dips
Chocolate cookies
Ice cream
Soda pop
M&Ms

                       Doritos
                            Cheetos
                                     Oreos
Oh nos!


There's no turning back once "the crowd" sends her butt to the Lane Bryant store.




Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: Bath & Body Works Revisited


Sleep lotions are not all one can find at Bath & Body Works.

You can buy a lotion to give you energy.

or if you want to be sexy for Valentine's Day. . . 


Ooooo, sensual. 


Sunday, February 10, 2013

A Song That Doesn't Represent my Life

Last Thursday, Suzy asked fellow bloggers to share songs that represented our lives. If I were to do that, you'd probably fall asleep reading my post. I figured it would be more fun to play a song that DOESN'T represent me and to participate in the wonderful Musical Monday on a Silly Sunday!

Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

When I was in third grade, I wore a bikini that actually looked cute covering my undeveloped chest and showing my flat little girl stomach; however, since those days, I wouldn't be caught in one. First off, I'm short wasted and look better in a one piece. Secondly, I've become a prude who doesn't like looking sexy. And finally, when I last wore a bikini, I got myself in trouble. 

I know that sounds hard to believe when we're talking about an eight-year-old, but let me explain. Back in the day, we played a hose game called Filling Station. Kids would dart around in swim suits, wait in line to grab the hose, stick it in swim suit bottoms to fill up the car and continue running again. Sounds like a totally innocent kids' game, doesn't it? It was! Never-the-less, when my brother pulled out the home movies and captured me sticking a hose down my pants, I never heard the end of it.

That's why I switched from bikinis to one-pieces. I didn't want to be tempted to stick a hose down my pants again!


Enjoy this retro song written by Brian Hyland and sung by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.




Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

#GBE2: Dreams

I Dream of Jeannie
The work was completed and the research paper turned in, so we visited the comedy club for drinks and fun. The comedian on stage asked if anyone was celebrating anything. I told him I'd finished my master's paper. After a short pause he said, "I Dream of Jeannie! Get Jeannie a free drink."


Nothing like retro TV to bring back fun memories, but why did Astronaut Nelson dream of Jeanie? Jeannie got him in the most trouble when he was awake. 


Like that would happen!


My guess would be the sad situation of a girl calling her man "Master." After all, isn't every man's dream to have someone as beautiful as Barbara Eden ready to grant his wishes? Of course, if Major Nelson were a real person (instead of a fictional character), the show wouldn't have been rated G.

Television is that dream place where pathetic guys get beautiful girls. Do you think Ginger or Mary Ann would have spoken to the single men on Gilligan's Island had it not been written in the script?


Penny & Leonard

A nerdy professor, a fat captain, and an accident prone idiot usually do not garner the attention of beautiful women. Maybe Gilligan's Island should have been called, "Dream Island" instead. 

But guess what? It's not just retro TV that matches dorks with beauties. Penny dated Leonard on The Big Bang Theory. Don't you love a great fiction story that lets guys dream?




Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: Meditation

Photo by Bev Gutmann / Caption from Josh Arcus

I sure hope they clean the end of that pole before tomorrow's shift.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Silly Sunday: Dog Does Float Trip

"The Swaz" 1998-2011
Year's ago, we took the Swaz on a float trip down a Tennessee river. Our large golden retriever "enjoyed" a day which probably haunted him into old age. First, we paddled through floating grass, but the dog thought it was the real thing as he stepped out of the canoe and dove head first under water. We struggled to pull the front end of this massive beast out of the river because his back legs were lodged in the boat, and he'd drown without our help. That was our warm up.

Later, we tipped in rapids that left us in panic once we brought our heads to the surface. Swaz was nowhere to be seen. Finally, my husband lifted the canoe to find our baby paddling underneath it. Upon seeing Mitchell, Swaz panicked as he climbed on top of Mitchell's shoulders continually trying to get higher out of the water. We should have charged admission to laughing observers on shore. If you decide to take your dog floating, beware.