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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous Thoughts About Life" Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor- Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor -Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor - Humor

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

#AtoZ Meets #WW: Z for Zombies!


I worry about my daughter.


She wears too much makeup.



Plus, she's been chasing after men.



I think she's in with the wrong crowd.



Sunday, April 28, 2013

#AtoZ Meets Musical Monday Y for Yankovic Sings YODA

Humor blogger I am, hmm. Now day Y it is so an old favorite by Weird Al Yankovic, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda I present.



Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
--YODA, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace



Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!




Saturday, April 27, 2013

#AtoZ X for eXpelling Gas

My son summed it best in eight grade when he said, "When I was in sixth grade and someone farted, it wasn't funny, but now it's hilarious!"

What is it about eXpelling gas, a normal function of the human body, that make so many chuckle? The average person farts ten times a day. That's average. Of course statistically, one could find a range of 287, so to be accurate, wouldn't we need to know the mode and median too? For example, although the mean is ten, maybe most
people only fart nine times per day; however, the day of the count, Rush Limbaugh farted 264 times. Would he be considered an outlier or did he mess up the whole dang curve?

Is there an Institute of Fartology? If so, who works there?

"My name is Dr. Jones, and I count farts for a living." I bet he's the life of the party! A real gas if you know what I mean.

Furthermore, do these statistics count dead guys? A friend who's an undertaker told me that dead people constantly eXpel gas; however, this gas doesn't just exit from below. It could sneak out of a joint causing a sudden flip of a wrist or foot twitch. I wonder, does cadaver gas smell better, worse, or the same as living farts? I'll have to ask my friend. It just goes to show, we still have a lot of research to do in this scientific field.

Friday, April 26, 2013

#AtoZ: W for Word Verification

Please don't ask me to copy letters I can't read or blurry numbers. Also, I don't want to solve math problems. It's about time Math solved it's own problems and admitted that X left and is never coming back. I'm referring to the infamous captcha that makes me want to leave your blog and never return.

I once used word verification, but at the request of a regular commenter, I took it down. Since then, I've enjoyed an increase in blog comments. I do NOT get spam from a lack of word verification. If you're worried about spam, enact comment approval.

That's a Q, not an O
I hope my blog is easy to comment on. If it moves slowly, I can provide fewer posts on the main page or further clean up the side pictures. Do the fish at the bottom need to go? Did you even know my blog has fish?

Thanks for catching my words!

                                  


Thursday, April 25, 2013

#AtoZ: V for Very Special Blogs

I want to highlight three Very Special blogs that I visit regularly.

http://bethere2day.com is a fun place for online randomness. Steve, from London, posts funny jokes, stories, and cartoons regularly that always make me laugh. Please check him out.


I also visit Rhonda daily at http://www.laugh-quotes.com. Rhonda has traveled all over the world and entertains with amazing and humorous stories. She's worth a click.



Finally, Binky and friends make me laugh every Monday & Thursday. These adorable comics, complete with colorful artwork, give a peek into the world of wombats. Find him at: http://www.comics.wombania.com.



I couldn't get through the week without a laugh from these Very Special blogs! Therefore, I am presenting the Very Special Blog award to these bloggers. The rules are to give this award to 87 others and write 98 facts about yourself. Just kidding! You don't have to do anything, but I'd love to know that you saw this post.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

#AtoZ: U Urban Dictionary

One can define kid speak with the help of Urban Dictionary. To tap into this wealth of information, just enter a word, and the definition pops up. 


For example, neathage is the opposite of cleavage. I didn't even know there was a word for a woman's boob hanging out from the bottom of her shirt.
  
Or an Introdouche is someone who introduces himself by bragging about useless accomplishments. You can also achieve introdouche status by introducing your girlfriend as a "friend."
 
Furthermore, spend some time with Urban Dictionary, and you'll find gazillion different types of boogers: phantom, bloody, leaf, runaway, happy, ten dollar, ingrown, bat, or cape––the list goes on and on. 

I'm not sure if my kids know all the definitions at Urban Dictionary, but they are upstanding citizens who would never wheez the juice or become illegal gymigrants.



So whether you want to achieve coolness or to understand what your son means when he asks you to text poon to his friend, check out Urban Dictionary.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

#WW Meets #AtoZ: T Taunting Squirrels

"This squirrel is a huge jerk!"

Photo and caption by Judy Lansky




Sunday, April 21, 2013

Musical Monday & #AtoZ Presents S: Saturday Night Live

Here's a favorite from a hometown hero. I saw Justin Timberlake perform at a gifted teachers' conference. He was not tall nor did he sing anything risque. The Justin I saw was a cute, little boy with a lot of talent. When he became famous, he found his gifted teacher a better job. I'm still waiting for my students to bail me out.



Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

#AtoZ: Letter R - Rat Race

One of my favorite, funny movies is Rat Race
I dare you to watch this scene without laughing.




How about this scene?




Just a small sampling of the fun in Rat Race. 
Trust me, there are many more great scenes in this hilarious movie.


Also representing letter R is Rachel who got her license and took the car out for the first time. She visited Starbucks where she dropped her car keys in the toilet. Thanks to an automatic flush, the keys disappeared.

Friday, April 19, 2013

#AtoZ: Q for Q-tip Voo Doo Doll


My daughter had a horrible soccer coach who regularly caused her grief with his unfair coaching, so I got him. I grabbed some Q-tips and made a voodoo doll of Coach L. Although I didn't know magic chants, nor did the voodoo doll make his shoulder hurt, it brought a smile to my crying daughter.

Years later, I learned that this coach did not need me to give him Q-tip voodoo pain. He buried himself by getting fired over an illegal recruiting scam. 

Karma at its best!

P.S. Don't mess with my babies.     

                                 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

#AtoZ: P is for Paddling

A Mississippi mother sued because her twelve-year-old son was paddled at school for disrespect. After sighting a small bruise on her poor baby's buttocks, she wanted justice for "child abuse." Here's a link: Mid South Mother Seeks Answers.

Lisa McDonald, the student's mother
If my child had gotten paddled for misbehavior, I'd be livid too . . .  at my kid. Don't get me wrong; I'm not a bible-toting-spare-the-rod southerner. In fact, I've raised three good kids without spanking any of them, butt (I mean but), if my child was so disrespectful that an adult had to hit him with a board, I wouldn't broadcast my poor parenting on the news.

Maybe someone needed to beat him. In fact, I bet his underpaid teacher was the abused person. Plus, the article never told exactly what the kid did. He could have taught a kid from a foreign country how to speak English. I've seen middle schoolers do that. 

"See the PE teacher. His name is Mr. Butt Face." 

Or maybe the juvenile delinquent blew up a toilet, spilled oil on the floor, or put stink bugs in the cafeteria. The shoddy news reporters left out the best part of the story. 

What do you think the kid did to get paddled in Mississippi?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

#GBE2 & #AtoZ: The Big O

Letter O is for Orthography.  For those of you unfamiliar with the word, orthography means spelling. It's a big O because to spell incorrectly is to change meaning, if ewe no what eye mean?

I may not always know the correct spelling of a word, but I can tell when something is wrong. For example, one of my students wrote a story about a girl in a  

"SATAN dress."   
Muah, hah, hah.

I envisioned fiery red flames shooting from the character's waist while devowering everyone she ventures in contact with. Definitely not school appropriate as devil horns protrude from her evil skull. 

Nada.

The little girl's story involved cute little bunnies hopping around colorful egg-filled baskets. Could she have meant satin?

The big O also stands for Oh, no!



Tuesday, April 16, 2013

#AtoZ & #WW: N for Naughty Pictures

A real lady never shows all.




The "lady" below was pregnant at age one.



Sunday, April 14, 2013

#AtoZ: M - Musical Monday

Here's a song for all manly men.




Now that you're done laughing, here's one of my favorite M songs, which I first heard after being dragged to my sister's high school band concert. It was love at first hear. I can see why In the Mood by Glenn Miller topped the charts in 1940.





Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.


PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

#AtoZ: L is For Lansky

I married a Lansky–Mitchell Lansky–and today is his birthday; however, I decided I should write with caution or next year I could be advertising a new wife for him. Besides, his grandfather's name was Meyer. When in college, a professor asked Mitchell if he was related to Meyer Lansky, the infamous gangster of Mafia fame. Mitchell said, "Do you want to make something of it?" This shut the professor up.

Of course, Meyer was the grandfather on his mother's side, who was not the infamous Meyer Lansky. As far as I know, there is no relation.

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband who puts up with me!




Friday, April 12, 2013

#AtoZ: K - Kids And A Lockdown - Not Funny

I failed the lockdown at school last week. This drill is meant to teach us what to do if a gunman enters the building. While I flushed a toilet, someone said, "Lockdown," over the intercom. All doors slammed shut and locked to keep intruders out. Of course, I didn't hear the announcement and wandered carefree down the quiet hall. When I saw my administrator, I said, "Oh. I see you changed shoes," because earlier that day, she wore adorable, yellow duck shoes for the rainy bus duty.

She said, "You know we're in a lockdown?"

I said, "No."

Next, I tore down the hall looking for a place to hide. Finally, I knocked on the nurse's door. Allison wondered if this was a test, but opened anyway and let me in. We had a delightful visit while waiting for the drill to end.

After the lockdown, several staff members and I chatted in the office. My administrator asked what I did. When I told her, she said, "You are casualty number one, and Allison is casualty number two." Then she spilled out the gruesome truth about school shootings. Apparently, crazies will grab a kid and have him or her knock on doors.  

"Let me in! Let me in!" 

It is our job to ignore the frightened child in order to save the class. How does one ignore a scared voice? Dear God, I pray I am never in that situation.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

#AtoZ: J - Jewish Holidays

Here's my Reader's Digest breakdown of Jewish holidays.

Shabbat - We survived week without being killed. Let's eat.

Sukkot - Egyptians tried to kill us. We wandered in desert for forty years. We survived. Let's eat in cute, little huts in our backyards.

Simchat Torah - We finished reading stories about people trying to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.

Chanukah - Assyrians tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.

Purim - Persians tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.

Passover - Egyptians tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat tasteless food that causes gas.

Rosh Hashona - We survived year without being killed. Let's eat.

Yom Kippur - We've committed sins, such as gluttony. We won't eat all day. Let's eat at sundown.


There are a multitude of days that are 
too horrible to joke about or even to eat, 
but we will always remember.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

#AtoZ: Irwin

My husband's middle name is Irwin. I figure that's funny enough for me to stop writing here, especially since the name means "boar friend." And, he was born in the year of the "Boar." To make matters even better, he doesn't eat pork!

At least my husband has a middle name and a first name too. I know folks who don't even have that, only initials for names.

Although my dad had a first name, his parents had never given him a middle name, so my sibs and I named him Norton. Norton is ranked on the popularity chart with three baby Norton's recently entering the world . . . which is more than I can say for little Irwins.





There are worse names than Irwin. You could be named:


Dog Breath

Moon Unit

Dweezle

or

Shithead (pronounciation sha - thee - ad)


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: H for Honey Bear


Enough Honey Bear!




Sunday, April 7, 2013

#AtoZ Meets Musical Monday: Letter G


I heard it through the Grapevine.




Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

#AtoZ: F - Favorite Son

 
Happy birthday to Daniel, my favorite son.

Listen up, ladies. Have I got the guy for you. He's smart, good looking, and single. Since today is my son's twenty-fifth birthday, it's time to find him a wife. Don't get me wrong, it's not like he's a pathetic loser who's short on women, he has plenty of dates. They just aren't my type.   


Daniel likes Barbie dolls--beautiful, blonde, high-healed women who are definitely not kosher. I think this obsession with Barbies started in preschool when he played with his sisters' dolls in the bathtub. He'd grab them by the waist and fly them through the air while making airplane noises. In the end, the poor Barbies would crash into the wall and maybe lose their empty heads. Don't worry, ladies. He's always a gentleman with living women.

Anyway, my son needs a nice Jewish girl with a kind heart, intelligence, and an excellent sense of humor. She'd have to have one to fit into our family. Plus, liberal wouldn't hurt! Send me your resume, that is if I'm still alive after posting letter F, which also stands for Mom FAIL.

I think this kid just might have my sense of humor too. Plus, he has...

Strong muscles,
a winning smile,
and a big brain.

  
                         



Friday, April 5, 2013

#AtoZ : E - Engineers The Dam Kind

There are a lot of great fields to study, but it would be best to be a dam engineer. Dam people earn a lot of money for dam jobs. Plus, dam engineers gain respect for dam work. I bet they even get dam awards. 

Furthermore, dam engineers will help you with your dam property or will construct a dam, unlike others who won't give a dam. Just ask dam scientists for help, and they will draw a dam plan. Plus, they care about dam safety enough to form dam societies. Did you know there are societies for the dam British and the dam Americans?

Unfortunately, sometimes dam construction can interfere with people's lives due to dam flaws; however, I'm sure dam engineers will successfully fix dam problems.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

#AtoZ: D - Driving Prank


Watch this hysterical video!




       
                                          

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

#AtoZ: C - Campus Book Rental & College Joke

Having put two kids through college and a third currently away, rising school costs are akin to sticking a vacuum hose into a wallet and sucking money out. As a result, I'm always looking for ways to make and save money. Voila! Here is an idea for the student studying french or event management, like my kid.

CampusBookRentals.com provides students with the opportunity to save 40-90% off book store prices. They provide free shipping, both ways, allow kids to highlight in books, are flexible about renting periods, and donate to Operation Smile. You can learn more about CampusBookRentals.com by clicking the video below. 

Also, check out their rent back program. This new initiative allows students to rent back books they own. A kid could earn two to four times more money than what they'd make through other buyout options.

                                           
                                             

Finally, here's a college joke in keeping with the spirit of my humor blog:

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: #AtoZ Bows

Today's Wordless Wednesday is brought to you by the letter B.


Honey Bow Bow


You can do what you want to me because I only weigh 25 pounds.


Tough girl doesn't look so tough today.



                       



Monday, April 1, 2013

#AtoZ Challenge: A = Agent Harold Wolfe

After five completed manuscripts and years of writing, I'm thrilled to announce that I found a terrific agent who is howling to represent me and Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts! I'm referring to the wild and wonderful Agent Harold Wolfe of The Wolfe Literary Agency in New York City.

Mr. Wolfe has been prowling the book market for several years and, as a result, has sunk his teeth into his own unique style. In fact, he hates query letters, stating that he'd rather talk to someone than read a letter; so, Mr. Wolfe invites authors to call his office (212) 439-6500 and ask for Harry Wolfe.

What a rare species he is! He also welcomes visitors, so feel free to stop by his agency from 10:00-5:00 at the corner of: 

64th Street and Fifth Avenue
New York, New York 10021

For more information about Literary Agent Harold Wolfe, check out his website: http://tinyurl.com/ahfx8nu