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My humorous thoughts about life.

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Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Don't Mess With Psychologists

See that clock winding down at the side of my blog. Summer vacation is approaching quickly, and I can't wait. This has been quite a year. Not only have I taught, but I've also been up to my neck referring kids for psychological testing for the gifted program at my school. In Tennessee, bright kids are sheltered under the special education umbrella and it's been raining paperwork all year. I have one IEP meeting left and no one else to be tested at the moment.


Testing has changed quite a bit over the years. Back in 1925, when
Dogfish
my dad entered kindergarten, he had to take a test with a psychologist to see what class to put him in. Some lady held up heads and bodies of various animals and told him to match them. My dad thought the test was soooo stupid that he decided to have "fun" with the psychologist. He mixed the animal heads with various non-matching bodies, all the while chuckling to himself. The joke was on Dear Old Dad when he spent his first day of school in a class filled with rockers and droolers. The moral of the story: Don't mess with psychologists. 


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

#WW Erica's Award

Now that my daughter is a graduating senior at UCF, her Hillel friends gave her an award. 
Here she is pictured with that special award!


Most Likely to be blogged about . . . by her mother!


Sunday, March 15, 2015

#MM Parody Songs

You can take just about any of your favorite songs and find a parody. For example . . .

Moves Like Jagger becomes Jabba


Take me to Church becomes Don't Take Me to Work




Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava’s Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.




PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Facts About a Dangerous Chemical

The dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide needs to be banned, and here is why:

1.  It can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

2.  Over consumption can cause excessive sweating, urination, and even death.

3.  One-hundred percent of all serial killers, rapist, and drug dealers have ingested this chemical.

4.  It contains one of the primary ingredients in herbicides and pesticides.

5.  It is the leading cause of drowning.

6.  One-hundred percent of people exposed to this substance will die.

The facts speak for themselves, it's time to ban dihydrogen monoxide!


On a similar note:
Two guys walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have H20."

The second guy says, "I'll have H20, too."

He died.



Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I'm Going to be Rich!

Guess what? I got the exciting email below to tell me that some stranger is going to split Five Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars with me! How did I get so lucky? 





Hello!!!
From: Mr Durée kong (I wonder if he's related to King Kong. Must be! Why else would he have all this money to share?)
Dear: Friend,
I am Mr Durée kong, the Auditor General, Santander Bank, UK. In the course of my auditing, I discovered a floating fund in an account, which was opened in 1990 at Abbey National Bank before it was bought over by Santander Group of which I am the auditor, belonging to a dead foreigner who died in 1999. (A dead Foreigner? Is that like in the rock band? I haven't heard any of their songs in a long time.) Every effort made to track any member of his family or next of kin has since failed; hence I got in contact with you to stand as his next of kin since you bear the same last name. He died leaving no heir or a will. (This sounds Urgent. Of course, he never said what that "last name" is. Oh, well.)




Get it? Urgent by Foreigner. I'm so clever.

My intention is to transfer this sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars in the aforementioned account to a safe account overseas. (or to go phishing) I am therefore proposing that you quietly partner with me and provide an account or set up a new one that will serve the purpose of receiving this fund. (Quietly partner? Heck no! If I'm going to get all this money, I want to shout it out to the world.) For your assistance in this venture, I am ready to part with a good percentage of the entire funds. We will share the funds in the proportion of 40% for you, 40% for me and 20% donated to Charitable Organizations. (Do I get to choose the charitable organizations? I think I want to give to the Asante Foundation so that poor African girls will not be traded for cows when their families get hungry. Honestly, it's a real concern. These girls are denied the chance to go to school.) After going through the deceased person's records and files, I discovered that:

(1) No one has operated this account since 1999 (or ever)
(2) He died without an heir; hence the money has been floating. (Which reminds me of another song.)
(3) No other person knows about this account and there was no known beneficiary. (Until I post this.)
If I do not remit this money urgently, it would be forfeited and subsequently converted to company's funds, which will benefit only the directors of my firm. (The fat guys in the suits get all the cash.)



This money can be approved to you illegally as with all the necessary documentary approvals in your name. However, you would be required to show some proof of claim, which I will provide you with and also guide you on how to make your applications. (Please provide your social security number and all other private information.)

Please do give me a reply so that I can send you detailed information on the modalities of my proposition. I completely trust you to keep this proposition absolutely confidential. (Here's your reply. &*^% NO! Why must I keep this confidential, King Kong?)

I look forward to your prompt response.

Best Regards,
Mr Durée kong

Thursday, December 26, 2013

#GBE2: Happy Endings

Beth from GBE2 gave us the weekly blog topic of "Happy Endings," so I was thinking about how I could write about a happy end. I've always heard about the happiest of end names around: Gladys, which means "Happy Butt?"

Then my daughter talked about someone having a "bubble butt" that popped. How could a bubble butt pop? Is that one of those silicon butt jobs that leaks with age? I don't know about bubble butts, but I have seen a "booty do." That's when someone's stomach sticks out more than their booty do.

Anyway, my kids said I can't write about "Happy Endings" because it's inappropriate, dirty, and gross. 

"What's wrong with the theme Happy Endings?" I asked. 

Since I couldn't get an answer, I looked it up in Urban Dictionary. They were right. 

BETH, HOW COULD YOU?

Thursday, August 29, 2013

#GBE2: Never

GBE2's blog topic this week is "Never." Here's my top ten list of things I would NEVER do.


1.)   SCUBA dive

In high school, I took a SCUBA diving class. When Mr. Lundt mentioned the risks,  I dropped the class.



2.) Become a US president
I know--powdered wig--humor me!

History has shown that most US presidents leave office with gray hair. I'm already working hard enough to cover the gray I have and don't need more.



3.) Sky dive

If I wet my pants on the roller coaster, I don't think people would appreciate yellow rain from the sky. Which brings me to the next one.



4.) Roller Coasters



5.) Eat bugs and crap

I'm not into eating gross stuff, and it's probably not kosher anyway. Not that I keep kosher, but if faced with eating bugs, it would be a good time to start.



6.) Be on Survivor

Life has taught me that I'd be the first voted off the island, so I think I'll skip the show. 



7.) Pierce a tongue



8.) Wear a bikini

Do I have to explain this one?



9.) Convert

Sorry dear friends. I know you pray for me, but I'm strong in my Judaism and if that means burning in hell, let's hope someone supplies sunblock in the afterlife.



10.)  Get Published

Psych! Although it feels hopeless at times, I'm going to do it. I decided that even though Bompsy has been around the block more times than Lindsay Lohan (or should I now say Miley Cyrus?), it's a great novel and deserves a home.