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Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Facts About a Dangerous Chemical

The dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide needs to be banned, and here is why:

1.  It can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

2.  Over consumption can cause excessive sweating, urination, and even death.

3.  One-hundred percent of all serial killers, rapist, and drug dealers have ingested this chemical.

4.  It contains one of the primary ingredients in herbicides and pesticides.

5.  It is the leading cause of drowning.

6.  One-hundred percent of people exposed to this substance will die.

The facts speak for themselves, it's time to ban dihydrogen monoxide!


On a similar note:
Two guys walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have H20."

The second guy says, "I'll have H20, too."

He died.



Thursday, June 5, 2014

Throwback Thursday


I've seen a lot of "Throwback Thursday" postings on Facebook and wonder why anyone would want to throw their back? I've had a history of back pain and wouldn't wish it on anyone. The first time I experienced back pain was when pushing my toddler son on a swing. I'd push him from behind and then run in front to say "Boo." He'd laugh. I wonder if that would still work at 26? Next time I see him, I'll say, "Boo," and let you know if he laughs. Anyway, while running I felt a sudden back spasm. By the time I hit serious––like surgery serious––back pain that boy was in fifth grade. I busted L5 and had to go under the knife after the third doctor told me I had no choice. 


In 2006, I ran the Memphis Half Marathon and hurt L4. It looked like I was headed for the knife again, but then one of my children's fathers (as in student, my kids only have one daddy), told me about a magic bracelet from Sergio Lub. I put that sucker on and all of my pain disappeared. I didn't even need surgery. Hey, wait a minute. I just did an ad for my bracelet and the Lub Dude didn't even pay me. I guess they owe me. Or maybe I owe them since I haven't had back problems since I started wearing their bracelet. It never comes off because I'm scared I'll brake my back if I remove it.

In conclusion, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR THROWBACK THURSDAY. I don't want to do that again.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: News or The Beginning of a Joke?

A bear walks into a bar...


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Theme Thursday: Mysterious Pepper Fun

sweet male
While shopping at Kroger, I learned that peppers have sexes: four bumps on the bottom is a female pepper, which is firm and good for cooking, while the three bump variety means a sweet male. I never knew vegetables were sexual beings. Of course, the way they dance around the vine, it shouldn't surprise anyone to learn of magic in the field.

So the females have more bumps and curves. Hm? Furthermore, girl peppers carry more seeds that make her
bloated female
heavier, kinda like that time of the month, although they are permanently bloated.

I also have to wonder if sweet males like to hang on vines with other sweet male peppers or do all peppers have fun together? If the males and females hang together, is it like one big vegetable orgy?

Every time I think I've heard it all, I learn more. I guess some peppers grow red after hanging around with their bumpy bottoms showing. 

Woo baby! Wanna hang on my vine?
You'll never think of peppers the same way, will you?


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

#AtoZ: U Urban Dictionary

One can define kid speak with the help of Urban Dictionary. To tap into this wealth of information, just enter a word, and the definition pops up. 


For example, neathage is the opposite of cleavage. I didn't even know there was a word for a woman's boob hanging out from the bottom of her shirt.
  
Or an Introdouche is someone who introduces himself by bragging about useless accomplishments. You can also achieve introdouche status by introducing your girlfriend as a "friend."
 
Furthermore, spend some time with Urban Dictionary, and you'll find gazillion different types of boogers: phantom, bloody, leaf, runaway, happy, ten dollar, ingrown, bat, or cape––the list goes on and on. 

I'm not sure if my kids know all the definitions at Urban Dictionary, but they are upstanding citizens who would never wheez the juice or become illegal gymigrants.



So whether you want to achieve coolness or to understand what your son means when he asks you to text poon to his friend, check out Urban Dictionary.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Passover Quiz

It's almost Passover and to help celebrate, here is a quiz where you can test your knowledge about this  pain in the a$#  Jewish holiday.

1.) Which traditional food is on the seder plate
      A.)  Chinese egg rolls (like we eat on Christmas)                     
      B.)  Matzah balls
      C.)  Haroset
      D.)  Ham & cheese sandwiches                                                                                                                                  
2.)  How do Jews prepare for Passover?
     A.)  Clean ovens, refrigerators, and spray Windex on flies
     B.)  Ritual fast of the first borns (Ha, ha, he who must not be named)
     C.)  Lug Passover dishes and kitchen supplies out of the attic
     D.)  All of the above

3.)  Matzah is called the bread of affliction because
     A.)  It causes Jews intestinal discomfort after eating it all week
     B.)  Slaves did not have time to finish baking bread when they ran away
     C.)  To punish Jews for all sins committed throughout the past year
     D.)  It tastes bad

4.)  The four questions are read by
     A.) The kid who can drink a cup of wine the fastest
     B.) The first kid to grab the Haggadah
     C.) The oldest kid in the family
     D.) The youngest kid in the family




Answers: 1.) C  2.)  D  3.) B  4.)  D
If you got all four questions correct, you may be a member of the tribe. :)


                                                                                                                    

 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Silly Sunday: Chickens

Two morons were walking down the street. 

The first one says, "Hey! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, I'll give you both of them."

"Three."

"No fair. You peeked!"


Photo from Backyard Chickens.com
For more chicken fun, visit The Backyard Chicken


A farmer graduates from Texas A&M and starts his own chicken farm. He buys three chickens, plants them in the ground feet first and then waters and fertilizes them. Much to his dismay, the chickens die. So, he buys three more chickens and plants them in the ground head first. After water and fertilization, these chickens die even faster. After that, the confused farmer writes his school and tells what happened. 

The next week, a letter arrives from Texas A&M:

Dear Farmer,
Please send soil sample.

 

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Silly Sunday: Big Famous Rocks

Years ago, my sister, brother-in-law, Rhonda, and I left Boston and drove south for an hour to get a taste of our historical heritage by seeing the one and only Plymouth Rock. Once near the fabulous site, a foofaraw gathered around fancy smancy columns surrounding what must have been the greatest tourist attraction ever. Visiting Plymouth Rock was like the Peanuts Halloween special. After all of the excitement  and anticipation of trick-or-treating, Charlie Brown opened his bag and said, "I got a rock." I know how he felt. I don't know why I expected Plymouth Rock to be anything different from the million of other stones on the ground just because someone chiseled a year on it. Sorry, but my recommendation is to save your gasoline.

Here is a photo from some tourist site since a picture wasn't worth the film.

Years later, I was lucky enough to visit another famous rock, the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Legend says that if one kisses this giant rock, one will be given the gift of gab. As you know, I need that; however, I didn't kiss the Blarney stone. The night before heading to Cork, I overheard a conversation between a few locals in a pub. These youths laughed hysterically about how they and their young friends loved to visit the Blarney stone late at night. The stunt consisted of breaking onto the grounds, scaling the walls of the Castle, and pissing on the Blarney Stone before the puckering tourists arrived. You kissed it, didn't you? Ha! Now you have something to gab about.

Since visiting these two tourist attractions didn't work as planned, I've got to check out some more famous rocks. How about the Rosetta Stone? Maybe I could visit the Rock of Gibraltar? Who wants to go with me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Silly Sunday: Poon Bomb

My "adult" son had asked me to participate in a prank on his "friend." At one o'clock, I was supposed to repeatedly text him the word "poon" along with one-hundred more of his "adult" friends, including an army platoon. This action would annoy someone with a smart phone and freeze a dumb phone for twenty minutes or so. Daniel's victim has a smart android device, so he was just aggravated.

When I asked my son what a "poon" is, he told me it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, right. I looked up the word and it is a large Indo-Malayan  evergreen tree of the Calophyllum. Sounds innocent enough in a normal dictionary; however, that's not where one looks to find out what a young person's word means. The true definition––which is rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, may be found in the Urban Dictionary. Since I'm not young, I promptly refused the offer to harass his buddy. Reaching the age of adulthood does not make one an adult.

2nd place in a poon attack DWL? Your poon powers are fading...
My daughter was the proud winner of the poon attack. She sent 34 messages to poor Andrew. Who? That's right. She doesn't even know him.

  • E  Beaten by his little sister. How embarrassing!
  • A   You were in the poon attack? I guess the poon apple doesnt fall far from the poon tree.
  • E Yup and I kicked his butt!
  • D DAYUM


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Silly Sunday: Lincoln

I'm thrilled to hear another Abe Lincoln movie, directed by Stephen Spielberg and starring Daniel Day Louis and Sally Field, is coming to theaters this week. Lincoln has always been one of my favorite presidents not just because of the Emancipation Proclamation but also his great wit that most people don't even know about. Last January, I posted funny anecdotes about him. History: Abe Lincoln was Funny

Here are some jokes coined by Lincoln himself.

* It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

* When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.

* If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

* Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

* Whatever you are, be a good one.

* He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.

* When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, its best to let him run.

* You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

* The man who murdered his parents, then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. 
* Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.




Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Dog Cartoons

Here are a couple of cute cartoons by Mark Parisi.









And here's a photo from a group I "Like" on Facebook. Dogs Against Romney


How could anyone put a dog on the roof of a car and drive to Ontario? Unbelievable!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

GBE2: History–Lincoln was Funny

This week's topic–history–is one of my faves; but at the same time, it was hard to narrow my post to one event. In searching historical events online, I remembered Abraham Lincoln who was not only a great leader, but also one of the funniest presidents we've ever elected.

Here are some fun anecdotes about him:

*Once as a young lawyer, several attorneys wrestled outside the court house before a trial. One of the men split his pants causing the others to pass a note asking for money to buy him a new pair of trousers. When the note reached Lincoln, he wrote, "I have nothing to contribute to the end in view."


*A ranking man in the post office, who was a personal friend of Lincoln's, died. A job applicant immediately asked the president if he could take his place?”
“Well,” replied Lincoln. “It’s all right with me if it’s all right with the undertaker.” 


*During the Civil War, Edmund Stanton, the Secretary of War, told Lincoln that General Grant was boozing in his tent.
“Find out what kind of whiskey he is drinking.”
“Why is that, Mr. President?”
“Because I want to send a case of it to my other generals.”


 And finally, here is my favorite story!


*A visitor once asked Lincoln how many men the rebels had in the field. Lincoln replied seriously, “Twelve hundred thousand, according to the best authority.” 

The visitor turned pale and gasped, “Good Heavens!”

Lincoln continued: “Yes, sir; twelve hundred thousand. You see, all of our generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them three to one, and I must believe them. We have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four makes twelve. Twelve hundred thousand; no doubt about it.”


Sunday, December 18, 2011

#GBE2: Curiosity/Wonder and After Life

As a little girl, I kept seeing these huge wads of toilet paper in the bathroom trashcan each month and couldn't figure out what they were. So one day, I reached into the garbage and opened one to see for myself. Scared the snot out of me!

Maybe curiosity is not such a good thing, after all it killed the cat. Plus there is the old "ignorance is bliss" phrase too. None the less, I've always been intrigued by death. I wonder what happens when we die? Where do we go? or...Will we come back in a reincarnated form? The only true way to find out is to die, and I'm not that curious. I am, however, sure we're never totally gone because the body is made of energy and energy can never be destroyed. It only changes form; scientifically a part of us will always remain on Earth.

None the less, I believe in reincarnation and karma. For example, as a teacher, I must have done something horrendous in my past life. I have a theory that my current and past students belonged to villages that I sacked and burned, and they continuously get their karmic pay back on me every year. That's the history of everyone in the teaching profession because why else would we suffer such abuse?

But the barbarian's life must have been an old, old existence because back in college, a hypnotist captivated us kids in a journey to our past lives to observe what we had experienced. I was an African American slave and knowing myself, it makes sense. Although I'm white, I've always gotten along well with black people and feel a natural chemistry with African Americans who I've worked with or have had the pleasure of being around. Also, I instinctively have a terrible fear of authority figures and hate wearing turtle necks or anything tight around my neck or wrists. I've even experienced anxiety and had to look away upon seeing someone with something bound tightly around their neck. Yep! I was probably bound, shackled, and eventually hung. In my mind, hanging would be the worst way to die.

What? You don't believe this? Fine. I'll prove it to you in the next life. And by the way, a friend of ours visited a hypnotist who told her she was Queen Isabella in a past life. As a result, she has apologized for the way she had treated Jews.

Silly Sunday: Jokes

Every Sunday, my good friend and former college roommate Rhonda sponsors Silly Sunday over at Laugh Quotes. If I could ever figure out how to make linky things work, I'd link it up. Never fear, you can read more jokes by heading over there. Here are a few jokes I've been telling for years.





Three boys had a contest to see who could throw a brick the highest. The first boy tosses the brick into the air. It flies high and comes down. The second little guy throws the brick into the air, it soars even higher then tumbles to the ground. Now the third boy, he stretches, swings his arms, and throws the brick so high that it never comes down.



☺☺☺☺☺☺


Two morons meet each other while walking down the street. The first one says, "Hey! If you can tell me how many chickens I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

"Three!"

"No fair! You peeked."

☺☺☺☺☺☺


A man and woman were fighting while riding on a train. The man smoked a cigar while the woman held a yappy dog.

"Put that noxious cigar out. I can't breathe in here," the woman said.

 "Well, I can't think with that annoying mutt's nonstop yelping!"

 "He's barking because he doesn't like the smell of your smoke!"

This scene went on and on until another passenger stood up and said, "Stop it! I can't stand the cigar, the dog, nor your constant bickering." He then grabbed the dog and the cigar and tossed them both out the window.



When the passengers arrived at the station, the dog was waiting. Can you guess what he had in his mouth?


  

Wait for it.....



A little longer
  


                     
I know the suspense is killing you.



So I'll just have to just tell you.



A Brick


☺☺☺☺☺☺




Saturday, September 17, 2011

Silly Sunday: Vending Machines

Here's a link if you want to join Rhonda's Silly Sunday: Laugh Quotes

A Texas salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

Saturday, August 27, 2011

An Italian Boy's Confession


Thanks, Rhonda at Laugh Quotes for Silly Sunday. Here is my joke. Not quite Sunday in the states, but since it is for you, I'll go ahead and post.



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'


Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Six Sentence Sunday

Ouch!

It's been over a month since I've participated in Six Sentence Sunday, but I'm glad to be back with an excerpt from my Work in Progress (WIP), Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts. Knob has just met his friend Slater's mom for the first time, and he's not used to adults playing tricks.



Slater’s mom pulled a chisel-shaped knife out of an antique cabinet's top drawer and leaned her head back. With the precision of a surgeon, she gently slid the blade downward until it disappeared into her throat. Next she thrust it out with one gigantic swing. Blood covered the blade while red liquid filled her mouth. Her eyes rounded as her lips curved into a smug smile. She winked at me! 





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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day Wherever You Are

Theodore Paull
On Father's Day I'm reminded of my dad and our thirty-one years together. I used to complain about how unfair it was to have had so little time with him, but after chatting with various people about their childhoods, I stopped. I'd rather have had thirty-one years with mine than sixty-two with yours. Hopefully your dad was great too, but I've heard multiple stories about abusive fathers. This is not one of them!

Although he never hit me, he could snap me into line with a look  for it was critical not to disappoint him. Unlike most children today, I had fear mixed with respect when it came to my father. When I became a parent, he told me, "Don't ever hit your children, but don't ever let them think you won't." Yep. He had me fooled.

Dad had a funny side too. Having grown up during the depression era, no one spent money on luxuries such as getting one's teeth straightened; so, Dad enjoyed making us laugh by squinting his eyes and showing his skinny little teeth with spaces between each one. Still, I couldn't wait for my handsome daddy to come home each night. My siblings and I listened for the groan of the garage door followed by a steady bump, bump, bump up the staircase. We'd charge out of bed to hug Dad who would remove his sports coat and replace it with his worn, blue terrycloth robe. I loved when Dad put me in bed because he'd tuck me in with a series of geeks, ya it was goofy but so was Dad at times. Although my kids' memories of my father are sketchy or absent, they know what geeking is all about.

He hated this picture but I love it!
Dad loved to tell pop corn, such as how his classmates nicknamed him Tadpole. A teacher with a thick German accent called attendance: Ted Paull came out sounding like tadpole, and the name stuck. Dad had his own nickname for me BooBoo, and my sibs had their fun with theories of where that name came from.

A cornier pop corn came from Dad's boyhood walk to school down Flora Place. Every morning the neighbors would lean out their windows and sing, "Theodora don't spit on the flora." Fertilize the lawn with that story, which always sounded best coming from Dad.

When an earthquake shook our house, Dad hollered, "Florence [my mother]! Quit jumping around up there!" But don't think he didn't care deeply for her. He showed his love and devotion through constant care for Mom when she became ill. He quit working and socializing to be by her bedside while she lay unconscious in an Iowa hospital. Refusing to leave her side, his stress became evident when he lost control of his Diabetes. Mom's health improved while Dad died of "total system failure" in 1993.

I miss my daddy on Father's Day and every day, but I have been blessed to have married a kind man who is much like my dad.