A weekly festival of writers sharing excerpts from their work.
Many different genres; something for everybody.
Here is a passage from my unpublished young adult manuscript called BEING BENITO CARLEFFA.
Ben was recently told that his mother had died.
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I clenched Mom’s pin in my pocket––twisted, turned, and squeezed it tight enough to tear it in two, until the point jabbed my pinky. “No!” Yanking my hand out of my jeans, I sucked my stinging finger and gave it a rapid shake. Next, my hands covered my face and then worked their way to the top of my head where I clutched my hair in a firm grip. My heart pounded in my ears as I rocked forward and back continuously. “You’re lying.” I grit my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut to keep my tears inside. “Dammit!” I punched the door. “Why won’t you tell me the truth?”
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I thought this scene was well done, but really sad :( Your writing is filled with descriptive and emotive prose, which is perfect for the situation. You can really feel his angst and frustration as he unconsciously takes it out on his mother's pin. At a certain point it's like you can't hold it in anymore. He's trying so hard to hold himself together, but it escalates in the final few lines where he's rocking and then punching the door. The fact that he won't allow himself to cry makes me feel like he's a very stoic character.
ReplyDeleteThis line was a bit awkward, "Next, my hands covered my face and then worked their way to the top of my head where I clutched my hair in a firm grip." I think the problem that I have is that it’s a very chaotic moment, and the word, “next,” makes it sound like there’s some order. I’m actually having a hard time thinking of a good way to rephrase it. Something like this might work, “I buried my face in my hands to shut out the world. . . ” I don’t know that you necessarily need him clutching at his hair. As it’s written it doesn’t sound chaotic enough for the scene. It might sound better as, “he grabbed onto fistfuls of hair," instead of "clutched my hair in a firm grip."
Poor Ben, he is just not ready to hear this news. Great passage, you can feel his disbelief.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I've struggled with this section. At first, my critique group told me I didn't have enough emotion, so I revised this paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWell, you definitely have emotion now. :) That's a powerfully painful snippet.
ReplyDeleteStrong emotion and the disbelief comes through. I agree "Next" does not belong, and watch tenses--"gritted," not "grit."
ReplyDeleteI agree with S.J, you definitely have the emotion now. You can feel his anguish of knowing he's been told the truth, yet needing to deny it. Powerful 8.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great suggestions and the tense capture!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments about the things you can change. Very powerful scene. You definitely convey the pain and anguish he's feeling through his actions. Sometimes less is more, though. Don't over-describe because then you pull us out of the scene. Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks. I tend to over-describe a lot.
ReplyDeleteOh, that poor kid.
ReplyDeleteWhy does he think that his mother's death is a lie? Is it simple (ha!) denial, or something more?
She was fine until someone shot her. He wasn't there when it happened so it's hard to believe. . . and there is something more.
ReplyDeleteYour character pulled me into horror, doubt,and aggressive denial. Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteOh those edits already mentioned would work for me too : ) I can feel how angry and in denial this young man is...
ReplyDeleteOmigosh, such a heart-rending piece, you can feel his anguish. Well done.
ReplyDeleteLots of emotion is this snippet; I really felt it. I agree with the comment about "Next, my hands covered my face and then worked their way to the top of my head..."
ReplyDeleteThe word 'next' seemed a little awkward, but overall I enjoyed this snippet.
Well done.
ReplyDeleteGreat emotional connection for the reader.
So heart wrenching. Very well written, I think the attempt at denial of the truth is quite realistic.
ReplyDeleteHow about: "As my hands covered my face and then worked their way up to the top of my head, I clutched my hair in a firm grip." Something like that.
ReplyDeleteThe emotion comes through the way you have it, though, i promise.
Just one thought. "Pinky" always sounds comical to me. I think "finger" might be better, even though it's less specific.
ReplyDeleteWow. Love how you used action and movement to show emotion here--very powerful. Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteThe reference of his Mom’s pin definitely sets the tone of his emotion and pain. Great description on his reaction of the sad news. Really enjoyed your snippet!
ReplyDeleteI like it. It's visual. It invited the reader in to share his emotions. Nicely done. :-)
ReplyDeleteWow, I felt for her and want to know what truth she wants to hear. The only thing that seemed awkward was: "Next, my hands covered my face and then worked their way to the top of my head where I clutched my hair in a firm grip."
ReplyDeleteOther than that, great snippet!