tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post1014946813646537506..comments2024-02-14T07:56:14.284-06:00Comments on Catch My Words: #8 Weekend Writing Warriors Blog Hop - Get's MusicalCatch My Wordshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-18112599680224981712014-07-13T15:39:20.201-05:002014-07-13T15:39:20.201-05:00love the dark tone you have set. give my spine so...love the dark tone you have set. give my spine some tingles - but not too scary. A great start to what sounds like a really intriguing plot.<br /><br />and the song is perfect. LA Botcharhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09045857399816360885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-18990518487706552562014-07-09T19:21:30.705-05:002014-07-09T19:21:30.705-05:00Loved the writing and the song...perfection!
http:...Loved the writing and the song...perfection!<br />http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/Michelle aka Naila Moonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14085797149191658262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-5011380845740478312014-07-08T18:03:47.063-05:002014-07-08T18:03:47.063-05:00Okay well that was different! This was an oldie, b...Okay well that was different! This was an oldie, but goodie to really party! Thanks for sharing and joining us.XmasDollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12522593766351118819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-51512648938511373632014-07-08T14:45:41.175-05:002014-07-08T14:45:41.175-05:00Cool,Devo is a good group to listen to.Cool,Devo is a good group to listen to.Mike Golchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14472496241893921107noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-46754725777976849232014-07-08T06:36:45.939-05:002014-07-08T06:36:45.939-05:00Enjoy your holidays and nice choice Joyce ..."...Enjoy your holidays and nice choice Joyce ..."rolls eyes"stevebetherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11570714472621540629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-75722341671805640792014-07-08T05:52:11.875-05:002014-07-08T05:52:11.875-05:00Definitely a nice snippet of your novel, but I thi...Definitely a nice snippet of your novel, but I think I would like to feel what Ben is experiencing a bit more. Otherwise, I like how you describe your villain. Cathy Kennedyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01056276734145310231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-19748753942485190412014-07-08T01:54:41.249-05:002014-07-08T01:54:41.249-05:00Enjoy your getaway :)
Enjoy your getaway :) <br /><br />Colette Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04844522784600855200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-43557732959860936262014-07-07T15:24:14.084-05:002014-07-07T15:24:14.084-05:00I loved this snippet. It really showed the danger ...I loved this snippet. It really showed the danger he faced. It was good how you used body language with the dialogue to really set the mood. Well done!<br /><br />Keep smiling,<br />YawattaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-11171725988610391702014-07-07T12:30:59.923-05:002014-07-07T12:30:59.923-05:00Loved this Joyce. I have known people with those ...Loved this Joyce. I have known people with those eyes as well. And I agree that they can be his trademark without it being so descriptive. I don't know that Ben would be thinking so clearly after the crack of the whip. Maybe more of a reaction of how the changing pupils made him (Ben) feel. Liked this and would love to read more! Amy Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10613446967051981724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-63472265304150667762014-07-06T18:36:30.722-05:002014-07-06T18:36:30.722-05:00Frightening.Frightening.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-18258133410023217592014-07-06T17:17:54.586-05:002014-07-06T17:17:54.586-05:00Sounds as if it would be an action-packed plot. At...Sounds as if it would be an action-packed plot. At first I thought this was some sort of strange horse story.Binkyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15679506953039078735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-45014212221229899552014-07-06T14:12:37.513-05:002014-07-06T14:12:37.513-05:00I don't think there's anything left for me...I don't think there's anything left for me to comment on. It's been covered by earlier comments. Welcome to wewriwa. We're glad to have you!Teresa Cypherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08940430996766842518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-21789472065994771982014-07-06T12:53:21.800-05:002014-07-06T12:53:21.800-05:00I second Drsylvesterfictions comment. I am wonder...I second Drsylvesterfictions comment. I am wondering if he might emit a nasty laugh of some sort as he cracks that whip...although I think I mentally added one on my own, so maybe it's not necessary!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05551671528722336812noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-52069500749226758062014-07-06T11:14:16.353-05:002014-07-06T11:14:16.353-05:00Intense and very foreboding. Great snippet!Intense and very foreboding. Great snippet!Veronica Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04732940088047026021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-63705946929674089172014-07-06T10:55:56.290-05:002014-07-06T10:55:56.290-05:00Sounds like he's in a tight spot and you did a...Sounds like he's in a tight spot and you did a great job drawing the scene. Normally I don't give constructive suggestions unless asked, but since you did, it might be stronger to change out 'could almost taste' to have him actually tasting it and maybe describing the taste, maybe via metaphor, to show how it affects Ben?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-29195963521570380512014-07-06T09:33:27.018-05:002014-07-06T09:33:27.018-05:00I'm not a writer, so I have nothing but compli...I'm not a writer, so I have nothing but compliments. I think you did a great job!mail4roseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17850985344834209198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-25683640826481501462014-07-06T09:04:47.178-05:002014-07-06T09:04:47.178-05:00Damn scary; both the kid and the captor.So what...Damn scary; both the kid and the captor.So what's next? When the reader asks this question, it's a good sign.Charmaine Gordonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15236373312231763983noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-76982557100237131962014-07-06T06:17:19.670-05:002014-07-06T06:17:19.670-05:00I like it. The only word that bothered me at all w...I like it. The only word that bothered me at all was "brushed" as it sounds almost gentle. Rhonda Albomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17455873487349816911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-56102771990518939232014-07-06T00:15:16.324-05:002014-07-06T00:15:16.324-05:00I forgot to mention: Welcome to WeWriWa. ☺I forgot to mention: Welcome to WeWriWa. ☺Debbie D. https://www.blogger.com/profile/13153118405565035071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-26864605923486443842014-07-06T00:13:34.122-05:002014-07-06T00:13:34.122-05:00Poor kid! Carsa just oozes a menacing vibe and I ...Poor kid! Carsa just oozes a menacing vibe and I can picture him in my mind, (or, it may be the cartoon ☺). I agree about the first sentence being a bit long and yes, the word "plastic" does seem unnecessary. Otherwise, this is definitely something I would read. Debbie D. https://www.blogger.com/profile/13153118405565035071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-8113032297346140162014-07-05T22:51:24.911-05:002014-07-05T22:51:24.911-05:00Thanks for the great tips. I think the "plast...Thanks for the great tips. I think the "plastic" needs to go, and I'm thinking about the "cold" too. I've know two people in my life whose pupils would randomly enlarge and contract. They were both nuts, too. I've tried to research eyes doing that but haven't found much. Anyway, it's been Carsa's trademark throughout the manuscript.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-18332528528862498842014-07-05T19:59:24.978-05:002014-07-05T19:59:24.978-05:00Right now, i'm scared for that kid. You'v...Right now, i'm scared for that kid. You've painted a very dark character there.messymimihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10649529601786689712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-64426836491286043802014-07-05T19:56:00.203-05:002014-07-05T19:56:00.203-05:00This was written very well, so there isn't muc...This was written very well, so there isn't much concrit to give XD After thinking about it for a minute or two, I think this line could be improved, "Once again, Carsa’s pupils widened with a three-second crazed expression then dwindled back to normal size as if drugs had returned him from his psychotic trip." I don't know Ben's experiences, but I would perhaps liken Carsa to a madman and/or to a predatory animal. Maybe Ben has seen a madman on the streets or in pictures. I wouldn't describe the pupils as getting big because that's too anatomical. And associating it with a drug trip doesn't describe the fear that Ben is feeling. I would describe Carsa's eyes as wild and dark, and then compare it to either a predatory animal and/or a sociopath. Or something along those lines. <br /><br />You might also be able to add in another line or two about Ben's fear. I don't know what is before or after this excerpt though, so maybe that isn't needed. I assume that's what he's feeling here. You have a line about his body tightening and a shiver going down his spine. It just feels like a bit more is needed assuming that Ben's fear is not described immediately before or after this passage. <br /><br />Everything else was great, and it's easy for the reader to picture the scene. You are a talented writer yourself, and draw the reader in with your vivid descriptions :) I think my favorite line was this one, "Carsa leaned close, brushed the handle of the strap down my jawbone, and used it to move my face so that I met his eyes and could almost taste his sour breath." It's so creepy, and it makes me feel like I'm there with Ben. It's suspenseful as well and makes me wonder what is going to happen next.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-65773131546626403172014-07-05T19:27:30.106-05:002014-07-05T19:27:30.106-05:00Like it. Like it a lot. Good job!
I think it would...Like it. Like it a lot. Good job!<br />I think it would snap and crackle a bit more if you maybe cut a couple of the adjectives, not because there's anything wrong with a good adjective, but because a few too many can bog things down a little, and keep us from the action. Eg: “Here’s the deal, kid.” Carsa leaned close, brushed the handle of the strap down my jawbone, and used it to move my face so that I met his eyes, and could almost taste his sour breath. The grip dug into my cheek, while its leather tail danced against my ribcage...<br />I added a few commas here and there, just to give the reader a natural cadence to read to, and making the sentences easier to digest. Having said all that, I really liked this as it was and hope to see more of your writing!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8063731082086337074.post-60627160585916954782014-07-05T18:34:58.636-05:002014-07-05T18:34:58.636-05:00Oh, could be in for a rough go by the sounds of it...Oh, could be in for a rough go by the sounds of it.Pat Hatthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07745293224202430152noreply@blogger.com