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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous and Helpful Thoughts About Teaching / Educational Resources for Your Classroom / Music and Random Fun"
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Busy Week

Between starting a new school year, making gifted referrals, parent meetings, and math workshops, I haven't had much down time this week. In fact, when one works ten to twelve hour days, it's tough to post or visit blogs. However, I am glad to learn that I am NOT stressed due to my passing the dolphin test by seeing identical dolphins in the photo. 

Why don't you check out your stress level?


The picture below has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are
identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Are you ready for the test?



Monday, May 20, 2013

Musical Monday: Roll Over Beethoven

As I strolled through the cemetery, strange sounds came from a grave, not exactly music, but more like random notes. I strained to listen and thought I recognized the ninth symphony, but no, it just didn't sound right. Continuing, maybe I heard the fifth symphony. Na, it was just random notes, I thought. 

A caretaker passed me, so I asked, "What is that sound?"

He said, "That's Beethoven. He's decomposing."




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PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!



Saturday, May 11, 2013

100 Words on Saturday - Week 10


When one gets married, they think they know everything about the one across the aisle, but not necessarily. I'm participating in a prompt this week where I need to tell a dark secret in exactly 100 words. Oh, man. This one's baaaaaad!


 
Tim and I waited until marriage, so he didn’t know; however, I reminded myself of the date when he'd told me he's a butt man. Baby Got Back was written for him.

“I’m not normal,” I said, while he unzipped my gown. 

“Who is?” 

I slipped off my bra and revealed one bottom.

Tim scrunched his eyebrows. “If that’s your butt, what’s above your legs?”

Lowering my panties, I revealed the normal part. “In girls’ PE, I was nicknamed bi-ass for one on the chest and one below.”

“Alright!” Tim beamed. “If things get rough, I’ll turn the other cheek.”





Tuesday, April 30, 2013

#AtoZ Meets #WW: Z for Zombies!


I worry about my daughter.


She wears too much makeup.



Plus, she's been chasing after men.



I think she's in with the wrong crowd.



Saturday, April 27, 2013

#AtoZ X for eXpelling Gas

My son summed it best in eight grade when he said, "When I was in sixth grade and someone farted, it wasn't funny, but now it's hilarious!"

What is it about eXpelling gas, a normal function of the human body, that make so many chuckle? The average person farts ten times a day. That's average. Of course statistically, one could find a range of 287, so to be accurate, wouldn't we need to know the mode and median too? For example, although the mean is ten, maybe most
people only fart nine times per day; however, the day of the count, Rush Limbaugh farted 264 times. Would he be considered an outlier or did he mess up the whole dang curve?

Is there an Institute of Fartology? If so, who works there?

"My name is Dr. Jones, and I count farts for a living." I bet he's the life of the party! A real gas if you know what I mean.

Furthermore, do these statistics count dead guys? A friend who's an undertaker told me that dead people constantly eXpel gas; however, this gas doesn't just exit from below. It could sneak out of a joint causing a sudden flip of a wrist or foot twitch. I wonder, does cadaver gas smell better, worse, or the same as living farts? I'll have to ask my friend. It just goes to show, we still have a lot of research to do in this scientific field.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

#AtoZ: U Urban Dictionary

One can define kid speak with the help of Urban Dictionary. To tap into this wealth of information, just enter a word, and the definition pops up. 


For example, neathage is the opposite of cleavage. I didn't even know there was a word for a woman's boob hanging out from the bottom of her shirt.
  
Or an Introdouche is someone who introduces himself by bragging about useless accomplishments. You can also achieve introdouche status by introducing your girlfriend as a "friend."
 
Furthermore, spend some time with Urban Dictionary, and you'll find gazillion different types of boogers: phantom, bloody, leaf, runaway, happy, ten dollar, ingrown, bat, or cape––the list goes on and on. 

I'm not sure if my kids know all the definitions at Urban Dictionary, but they are upstanding citizens who would never wheez the juice or become illegal gymigrants.



So whether you want to achieve coolness or to understand what your son means when he asks you to text poon to his friend, check out Urban Dictionary.

Friday, April 19, 2013

#AtoZ: Q for Q-tip Voo Doo Doll


My daughter had a horrible soccer coach who regularly caused her grief with his unfair coaching, so I got him. I grabbed some Q-tips and made a voodoo doll of Coach L. Although I didn't know magic chants, nor did the voodoo doll make his shoulder hurt, it brought a smile to my crying daughter.

Years later, I learned that this coach did not need me to give him Q-tip voodoo pain. He buried himself by getting fired over an illegal recruiting scam. 

Karma at its best!

P.S. Don't mess with my babies.     

                                 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

#AtoZ: F - Favorite Son

 
Happy birthday to Daniel, my favorite son.

Listen up, ladies. Have I got the guy for you. He's smart, good looking, and single. Since today is my son's twenty-fifth birthday, it's time to find him a wife. Don't get me wrong, it's not like he's a pathetic loser who's short on women, he has plenty of dates. They just aren't my type.   


Daniel likes Barbie dolls--beautiful, blonde, high-healed women who are definitely not kosher. I think this obsession with Barbies started in preschool when he played with his sisters' dolls in the bathtub. He'd grab them by the waist and fly them through the air while making airplane noises. In the end, the poor Barbies would crash into the wall and maybe lose their empty heads. Don't worry, ladies. He's always a gentleman with living women.

Anyway, my son needs a nice Jewish girl with a kind heart, intelligence, and an excellent sense of humor. She'd have to have one to fit into our family. Plus, liberal wouldn't hurt! Send me your resume, that is if I'm still alive after posting letter F, which also stands for Mom FAIL.

I think this kid just might have my sense of humor too. Plus, he has...

Strong muscles,
a winning smile,
and a big brain.

  
                         



Friday, April 5, 2013

#AtoZ : E - Engineers The Dam Kind

There are a lot of great fields to study, but it would be best to be a dam engineer. Dam people earn a lot of money for dam jobs. Plus, dam engineers gain respect for dam work. I bet they even get dam awards. 

Furthermore, dam engineers will help you with your dam property or will construct a dam, unlike others who won't give a dam. Just ask dam scientists for help, and they will draw a dam plan. Plus, they care about dam safety enough to form dam societies. Did you know there are societies for the dam British and the dam Americans?

Unfortunately, sometimes dam construction can interfere with people's lives due to dam flaws; however, I'm sure dam engineers will successfully fix dam problems.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Silly Sunday: Terrorist Plot Revealed

On my way to the mailbox, I found a note in my yard and KNOW I've uncovered a secret terrorist plot. The plan will be orchestrated by three men code named "Hot Dogs, Beer, and Yazoo." These chicken-hearted thugs are planning an offensive against farms in Avocado Heights, California. To prepare for the assault, they've worked their buns off earning bread. They've also found secret contacts in bars. Pease take heed to this dangerous message before we roast in hot soup. 

Upon further inspection, I discovered that these bad guys lure dogs into the mission through treats such as pies made with pot. Before you water down the seriousness of my find, be aware of their use of a dangerous chemical code named "Diet Coke." They've tried to smooth over the hard results of this mission by sending the Arabic greeting of peace, "Salaam." Furthermore, the Swiss have funded their attack through the sale of candy. I need to contact the FBI to inform them of how I chipped away this cheesy plan all from a note in my yard. 

So here's the note. Do you think I'm on to something?




Saturday, March 2, 2013

Back From The Future

Hosted by Nicki, Suze, and M Pax.
I'm participating in the Back From the Future Blog Hop.

Here are my Instructions:

You're up before dawn on a Saturday when the doorbell rings. You haven't brewed your coffee so you wonder if you imagined the sound. Plonking the half-filled carafe in the sink, you go to the front door and cautiously swing it open. No one there. As you cast your eyes to the ground, you see a parcel addressed to you ... from you.

You scoop it up and haul it inside, sensing something legitimate despite the extreme oddness of the situation. Carefully, you pry it open. Inside is a shoebox -- sent from ten years in the future -- and it's filled with items you have sent yourself.

What's in it?

**∑´®ƒ¥¨ø**

As I look out the window, I spot my neighbor waving from her driveway and heading my way. I open the door to see what she wants.

"I met the future you looking for your house to deliver that package," she points, "but you forgot where you live," she says.

"Do I move in the future?" Not that it would matter since I've lived in my house for twenty-two years.

"No. You're just even more forgetful than you are now."

Great. I thank her, close the door, and open a Stinga shoe box, a future best selling brand that sports "kick me" across the heals. The box reveals a half eaten donut with teeth digging into it. Under the donut clutching teeth is one smiley-face sock with a purple note sticking out of the top.

I snatch the note for a quick read.
Dear Me,
     The 2013 economy is in a rut, so I've included something valuable to help you out. If you look closely at our teeth, you'll find gold fillings in the molars. As for the sock, I couldn't find the mate in 2023, so I figured I'd send it back to see if you have it.

Love,
Me

 
I take the teeth and start for the door, but I forget what I'm supposed to do with themOh well. At least I still have half of a tasty donut. I take a bite only to remember that I stopped eating sugar years ago. Darn! I guess I should give up artificial sweeteners too.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: A Frickin' Elephant

As five-year olds were learning to read, one of them pointed at a picture and said,"Look! It's a frickin' elephant!"

And so it was...


African Elephant


 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Silly Sunday: Spanish Test



An eighth grader was asked to take a practice probe to help him prepare for achievement tests. After he logged into the program, he raised his hand and said in a condescending voice, "Ah, my test is in Spanish, and I don't speak Spanish." 

Please notice question number one on his test...

Caffe latte, cappuccino, and café au lait are all words or phrases from other countries that mean drinks made with ________________.

a. Chocolate
b. Coffee
c. Sugar
d. Tea


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: Sleep


We found body products to help one sleep at the 
Bath and Body Works store.



It worked too well because when I spritzed some on, 
I instantly fell asleep.


Erica had the same problem, so we called 
the sales lady over . . .


but she fell asleep too.



Saturday, August 4, 2012

Silly Sunday: Looking Old

When a lady visits a new doctor, she recognizes his name as being the same as someone she'd gone to school with; however, this man looks much too old to be the fellow from her class. After much careful consideration, she says, "I think you were in my class."

To which the man replies, "Oh, really. What did you teach?"



Here's a funny clip about a prank on the young whipper snappers.


                                               
                                                                               
                                                                             

Sunday, July 29, 2012

#GBE2: Unexpected

I love the unexpected in film, whether it's a nerd in the shower or finding a golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. These are the little things that make movies worth watching because who wants to see the expected?


 As a youngster, my family visited a quaint little park called Dog Patch USA, located in the Missouri Ozarks. This closed theme park was based on the L'il Abner comic strip and had a cute hillbilly charm about it. I don't remember much at my young age, but I'll never forget the unexpected when opening the door to the men's restroom. I would have used the ladies' room, but a sign told me it was out of order. When I opened the door, a deep voiced man sitting on the pot screamed, "Close the dang door! Doesn't anyone have any decency around here?" Turns out the unexpected man was a statue with a taped message sure to scare the pee out of anyone looking for a restroom. So Dogpatch!


Years later, I remember the unexpected in college. I don't know why the full length poster of George Michael hanging in my room was unexpected because I'm the one who taped it to the dang wall to begin with; however, he scared the begeeze out of me when I spied him standing over my bed in the middle of the night. Little did I know back in the eighties, that handsome man star would have been more interested in my husband than me. Double unexpected.


Now-a-days, the unexpected usually means something bad like the handle falling off the microwave, a tick on the dog, or most recently, a 95 year old man smashing my car door while I shopped inside the target. It's not a good sign to hear over the store speaker, "Will the owner of a black, Volkswagon convertible please come to the service desk?"

It's been two weeks and we're still driving the rental car and waiting for the repairs to be complete. Should it be expected to be without my car for so long? I don't think so. Unexpected was fun as a kid. Now, not so much.