As a follower of the hero's journey, I always start my novels in the normal world before inviting the freak on board. Here is the beginning of my unpublished manuscript BEING BENITO CARLEFFA, before they beat Ben, killed his mom, or even served him "Gestapo" soup. Without the drama, would you keep reading after these first eight sentences? Why or why not? If not, what would you suggest? Please be honest. I can take it.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
The last bell ended my teacher’s talk on the robber barons, famous dead guys who ripped dudes off to get rich, so I stuffed Our Great Nation into my backpack. Those who didn’t want to get squashed hung under a poster of the presidents, while everyone else bolted for the door. Someone had marked up Washington with horns, earrings, and a Hitler mustache; more proof that I didn’t fit in with freshmen.
“You’re quiet,” Sara said.
I pointed at the crappy artwork. “Did you see that?”
“That’s hysterical!” She laughed as if something was actually funny and then wrapped her fingers around my arm.
You hooked me! I'm a closet history fan, so beginning with hanging out under the presidents and wondering who had the gall to deface (okay, close to a pun)Washington peaked my interest. Keep going, Joyce! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here! Very strong. This makes me want to know more about who Ben is. Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteI read books more for the prose than the story, and your prose is lovely, so I would read it on that alone XD But I know that story is more important to the vast majority of readers. I would definitely keep reading if I read these first few lines. In the first few lines the protagonist comes off as a likable and realistic person, and I'd like to know more about his relationship with Sara. Marked up posters remind me of high school XD Knowing how dark the book gets, it's nice to have some humor to keep it from getting too depressing (says the person who writes really depressing things :$). I always look forward to your snippets ^^
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like one of my teens, a bit on the cynical side, and smart enough that i'd read on to find out if he turns out to be too smart for his own good.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. You did a fine job of showing the differences in both characters mindset in only 8.
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Yep. I'd read more. The reasons are: your writing is polished. You've already displayed an ability to build characters. And I know that in the first 8 sentences, it's difficult to move a plot forward. I'd be patient and see where it goes. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely interested to learn more about both characters. Clearly, they're different but they're also friends.
ReplyDeleteA very teenager-ish character, well done. Great little snjppet for today!
ReplyDeleteHmm, don't see a comment I left earlier. So, if you get two, you'll know why. I think you did a great job of characterization. His intelligence shines through. He's already an interesting fella. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to tell without the context of the rest of the first three chapters or so if this is the best place to start, but I definitely like his distinctive voice :D
ReplyDeleteI love that he's offended by the defacing of George.
ReplyDeleteYou captured the teen voice well. I get a sense that he acts older than his age and fellow classmates.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, curious if he likes the girl who laughed at the graffiti he found so offensive. Personally, I don't like the descriptive "Hitler mustache."
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