Weekend Writing Warriors
Another week is beginning, which means it's time to share
writing snippets at: http://www.wewriwa.com
Here is the continuation from last week.
You know a fight is imminent!
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Bryson threw a punch, but I ducked
and then body-slammed him into the wall.
“Way to go,
Benito!” The stranger outside the window cheered and clapped.
I let go of
Bryson and stared at the man outside. Is he talking to me? My heart sped up as his bug eyes tore through me.
“Benito?” Bryson laughed. “Is your name Be-ni-to?
“No.
I’m Ben.” I stared out the window and shook my head as though I could clear
away all of my confusing thoughts with a quick shake. "Just Ben." “Benito?” Bryson laughed. “Is your name Be-ni-to?
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Nice, crisp action. Not sure what's going on, but I reckon Ben will figure it out. Or Benito...
ReplyDeleteGood eight!
This was a great action scene :D It seems very natural that Bryson takes advantage of Benito losing his focus. That creepy man is getting creepier. For some reason my mind instantly thinks pedophile, but that's probably because I've watched too much Law and Order: SVU :$
ReplyDeleteI like this line a lot, " I stared out the window and shook my head as though I could clear away all of my confusing thoughts with a quick shake." I wrote something like that recently. Great minds think alike ;)
I'm not quite sure what this phrase means, ". . . his bug eyes tore through me."
Anyway, I hope Ben gets the upper hand in the next snippet!
The man outside is meddlesome, i hope i'm not supposed to like him, because i don't.
ReplyDeleteAn intense fight and that creepy guy cheering on the violence. It's really disarming to have someone call out your name (or is it his name?).
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intrigues me - could this be a relative Ben knows nothing about?
At first I wondered whether Bryson would take advantage of Ben's distraction. But I think you've got it right here...this isn't a life-or-death serious fight and a bully will likely be drawn to mockery.
ReplyDeleteWhat a scene you've painted her. I can see it. Punches and wrong names. It's confusing and amusing. :)
ReplyDeleteAnother great action scene! The final bit of dialogue really sticks with me. "Just Ben" - I think he's more than 'just' anything. :) Good job!
ReplyDeleteSounds like the stranger isn't such a stranger after all.
ReplyDeletehhmmm, getting very curious about that man outside. is he poking the bear? a friend?
ReplyDeleteit's escalating quite quickly!!!
I hate the bullies who make fun of peoples names. Nice job capturing it without unnecessary extra words.
ReplyDeleteIsn't Benito a diminutive of Ben?
ReplyDeleteI wonder why being called Benito bothers him. A lot of intriguing stuff going on this snippet that makes me want to read more. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI like it! The pacing is perfect - short sentences and not a lot of description. It keeps the momentum of the action.
ReplyDeleteOne thing to be careful of is wandering body parts. Like "his bug eyes tore through me". Remember, eyes can't go anywhere or through anything, but a gaze or look can.
Other than that little thing, it's a great 8!
The nickname makes we wonder if the stranger knows Ben, maybe from his childhood.
ReplyDeleteBen better get it together, though, Bryson seems like the kind of guy who'd attack while he's distracted.
Thanks for the comments, feedback, and tips. I'm going to play with the bug eyes a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes, Ben would be short for Benito if that was his name; however, usually by high school, kids know if their name is short for something else. And yes, the creepy man outside is an unknown relative of his.
Nice action sequence, but that's interesting about the observer. I love the smile on your dog's face.
ReplyDeleteRight into the action - I like that! and the mystery over the man who's watching and encouraging him is intriguing. Great 8!
ReplyDeleteHmm, what kind of relative? Obviously Benito doesn't know him...nice eight.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if the nickname is going to stick. ;)
ReplyDeleteI liked the "bug eyes tore through me" line!
ReplyDeleteInteresting, Joyce. The "Benito" coming from outside was unexpected. It raises some questions--which is good. :-)
ReplyDelete