It's time for another Weekend Writing Warriors!
Here's another snippet from my YA manuscript, BEING BENITO CARLEFFA.
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I swung my backpack over one shoulder
and then noticed Bryson shoving Austin. The big guy towered a full foot over
little Austin and could have easily fit his victim into one of his pant legs.
“Leave him alone, Bryson.” I stepped
close enough to see three blackheads surrounding a red splotch on Bryson’s
cheek. He must have picked something open, again.
Bryson’s chest rose and fell as he curled his hands into
tight fists. “Always snooping in other people’s business, aren’t you, tool?”
“Just
looking out for my friend, douche.”
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I wasn't sure if this was connected to any of the previous ones? This was a great snippet :D Just enough detail to make it interesting. I actually don't have any concrit this week XD Bryson sounds like a bully :/ I was bullied in middle school/high school but with girls it's generally not physical. I'm not sure of the protagonist's name here, but I'm glad he stood up to the bully for his friend. That's much easier said than done ;) I like him/her already ^^
ReplyDeleteDarn those bullies. Seems like a scene that's played out many a time in schools all over.
ReplyDeleteThis is the same story. He's seen the guy outside and is ready to get out of there. Thanks for the comments.
ReplyDeleteLove the details throughout, like the pant leg reference, and the blackheads, etc. The dialogue is great too. Well done, Joyce! :)
ReplyDeleteNice conflict.
ReplyDeleteJuneta at Writer's Gambit
Very real dialogue, and great descriptive writing. Nicely done, Joyce!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad someone is standing up to the bully.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, though I'd make one small change: I'd make "Again." its own sentence.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a good friend already.
ReplyDeleteSO realistic. And detailed, as others have said. An effective excerpt to tell us about the characters!
ReplyDeleteWell, he's a bit repulsive. Tall and wide bully, not a good deal for the skinny little guy.
ReplyDeleteGood observation of details, and glad to see someone standing up to bullies.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an accurate portrayal of high school hallways. ;)
ReplyDeleteblackheads surrounding a red splotch on Bryson’s cheek.---ewwww great visual there!
ReplyDeleteI liked that he stepped up to help his friend even at possible risk of becoming a target himself.
oooh, it's escalating. darn bullies!
ReplyDeleteLoving the back and forth; it's realistic dialogue you'd hear in the hallways of a school. Oh man, I HATE bullies. I like your character already for attempting to help Austin. Can't wait to read what's in store next!
ReplyDeleteKeep smiling,
Yawatta