Weekend Writing Warriors
Check this fun hop out at:
After attending an SCBWI conference, it looks like middle grade is what's selling, so I'm going to switch focus to another unpublished manuscript, MRS. ZIMMERMAN'S DONUTS. It's the story of a fifth grade outcast taken under the mismatched wings of a new boy in town. Is that cruel not to answer the door from last week? Sorry.
Here are my first eight lines. Please tell me if you'd keep reading––actually that may not be the right question since many of you write dirty romance novels and wouldn't turn the page of any kid's book, but humor me. I'm looking for an honest critique that will help me bring my work up to the publication level. Thanks!
Harrison’s tongue swept across his upper lip like a fat frog grabbing his fly––not the zipper. “It's called The
S’More––Chocolate, marshmallows, and gram crackers.” His beaming meant his stupid end-of-the-week party with the The
S’More as the guest of honor. On Monday guys will boast about Mrs. Zimmerman's homemade donuts dipped in
chocolate sauce or gooey cherry filling.
21 comments:
Goodness, that made me hungry XD You did a good job with the donut descriptions. I love donuts, and reading this made me realize I haven't had any in a long time. Donuts * -*
The beginning is intriguing, and I like your protagonist, so I would read on. You do a great job with the characterization of children as well :) I taught ballet for many years, ages 4-18, so I have a general idea of how they behave.
The only line that stopped me was this, "Harrison’s tongue swept across his upper lip like a fat frog grabbing his fly––not the zipper." I would rephrase it like, "Harrison’s tongue swept across his upper lip like a frog grabbing a fly." If you change it to "a fly," vs. "his fly," you don't need to mention the zipper thing. And a fat frog and a normal frog have the same tongue action, so the word "fat," didn't seem necessary.
Looking forward to the next part ^^
It makes me want a donut, so that's good writing (because I don't usually want a donut). :) Good luck w/the process! I'm sure it's fun but offers more than its fair of a challenges too (writing).
Thanks for the suggestion. I guess I was trying to be funny with the fly, but it wasn't. I included fat with the frog because Harrison is a fat kid, but that obviously didn't convey either. Hmm. I wonder if my reader would get that I'm talking about Harrison, if I referred to him as the fat kid. I'll play with it some more.
I think this is appropriate for kids because it is realistic. I would rephrase "Harrison's tongue swept across his upper lip" bit. I threw me off. Great progress so far.
It's getting more and more obvious that my problem is with Harrison's tongue. Thanks!
oooohhh, donuts!!! nice opening, well done!
Okay, so my two thoughts...the Loser sign, not sure kids do that anymore. That was big in the late 90's. Might be lost a little on this generation. So, depends on what time frame your book is written. The fly part bugs me, only because I don't know if kids refer to zipper's as a fly -- also an older term that I don't hear kids using. I have an eleven year old, so I'm all ensconced in tween vernacular. Again, if this setting is in the past, that's fine.
First, the pic of the donuts made me realize I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Yum!
Your 8 is nice, and yes, if I were a fifth grader, I would definitely want to keep reading. Although I agree with what's been said about the line with Harrison's tongue and the fly (not the zipper). Other than that, it's great!
I'm mentally munching a Boston Creme Filled and watching the action.
I'm hungry now!
Just one thing, I couldn't make out what you meant by "His beaming meant..."
Great suggestions that make me think. Thanks! Now that you mention it, I haven't seen the loser sign in awhile, of course if a kid did it in front of me, he'd be in the office. This has been Randy's Hallmark sign to Knob (Will) throughout the book. You and info from my conference last weekend has given me the brilliant idea of coming up with an original sign that won't go out of style. Hmm. Now what to have him do throughout?
I did keep reading!
I like it. I like the fact that you are picking a relateable story to tell for the younger crowd. So many YA and mid-grade books are dystopian and futuristic and that doesn't help the kids cope with real life. So, kudos to you!
Just one little thing... If this Randy kid is such a bully, would he use the protagonist's name? Having been on the receiving end of a bully's attentions, I can tell you they made up their own names for me that had nothing to do with my given name - just whatever derogatory term they decided on.
Other than that, great eight!
And now I want a donut...thanks. :-/
Maybe instead of beaming, he has a crafty smile that means the party is starting -- but only for certain kids. To me, beaming means happiness, and mean kids don't seem happy to me.
First...yes it is cruel to leave that door unanswered LOL
It has been a while since I read a novel aimed at this age group. I read to my younger boys but they are 6 and 4 so lots of Dr. Seuss books.
I enjoyed the description of the donuts, those sounded yummy.
Liked this description: Harrison’s tongue swept across his upper lip like a fat frog grabbing his fly––not the zipper.
I don't quite understand the last two sentences. Does that mean that next Friday (I'm assuming this is Friday) the Harrison kid will be bringing in the new Smore donut? If so what dos the Monday thing have to do with it? Wouldn't they be discussing the new flavor at the time they eat it?
I liked the excerpt, had the same trouble with the fly line as many people did but I'd have kept reading. One nit=> it's graham not gram crackers. My kids are all grown up so I can't speak to the modern day age group but I thought this was very smoothly done. Yay!
Gosh, it's hard to judge the strength of opening lines for an MG book. But, as an adult, I'm intrigued. I'd probably consider some things before deciding whether to continue. Length of the book, and whether I'm reading it with gift-giving in mind for great nieces and great-nephews.
We need to get some youthful critics :-)
I like that you aren't writing down to the younger set - I didn't like the fly double-entendre because I didn't feel it belonged in a book for that age group. I agree with the mean nickname comment above. Good job, I would definitely keep reading because it is so real life.
Those donuts sound yummy to me, especially after a week without eating.
Great snippet! Now I want a donut.
I liked it! I would definitely keep reading. I don't read a lot of books for children, but I often enjoy them when I do.
Unlike most people commenting, I DO have a donut, which I shall now eat! :P
It's not cruel switching stories LOL
I would keep reading! I like how the story began with tension of Randy slamming the main character's shoulders. And, the description of the donuts made me hungry! I have a very sweet tooth!
The only thing I'd suggest: consider using 'L' instead of /L/.
Keep smiling,
Yawatta
Post a Comment