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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous and Helpful Thoughts About Teaching / Educational Resources for Your Classroom / Music and Random Fun"

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Acrostic Success

With the GBE 2 Blogging Challenge, I've been asked to blog about what success means to me; however, I still need to post my post for the letter A -- so here it is, an Acrostic poem all about success. Aren't you impressed?

S = Sliding out of bed in time to get to work in the morning (when it's not summer vacation).

U = Under arm deodorant that works all day long.

C =  Coughing or sneezing without throwing out the back or losing body fluids.

C = Catching crap without slugging the person giving it to you.

E = Eating without dripping on the shirt or choking.

S = Safely walking in heels.

S = Stating what success means by coming up with something to meet each letter in the word "Success!"

Can't wait for the next challenge. Thanks to Elizabeth Grace at Word Nerd. Come join us

Also, if you have not read my previous post, "Backing Israel," please read because it is important that everyone is well informed of the situation in the middle east.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Backing Israel

With Barack Obama's recent request for Israel to return land acquired from the 1967 war to the Palestinians, Israel has been victim to much undeserved scrutiny. First off, let's look at why giving up the 1967 borders would not be in the best interest of Israel nor the United States.

Beautiful area outside of Haifa
In 1967, approximately 465,000 troops from Egypt, Syria, and Jordan prepared to destroy Israel with a massive attack. Israel fought a vicious battle through preliminary air strikes that took out troops from above. The Israelis won this war, in which they were strongly outnumbered, in just six days. According to Wikipedia, "Opinions vary on whether this was an act of aggression or a preemptive strike." Good grief!

Why would any nation attack three countries when so outnumbered if it weren't for self-preservation? Plus, the opposition had outwardly said that they wanted to enter into a battle of annihilation. Since Israel's formation in 1948, she has repeatedly tried to negotiate peace with her neighbors and fought for the right to exist. So don't even think of saying Israel was not trying to save herself in 1967.

Through the 1967 war, Israel acquired the West Bank and East Jerusalem from Jordan, the Golan Heights from Syria, and the Gaza strip and Sinai Peninsula from Egypt. Obama wants Israel to give this up? We acquired Texas from a battle with Mexico. Should we have to give up Texas too? At least if we did give up Texas, the very existence of the United States would not be in jeopardy.

As Benjamin Netanyahu said when he addressed our congress, he is willing to make painful compromises in the name of peace, but Jerusalem must never again be divided. Only when controlled by the Jewish state has Jerusalem been open to world tourism. Being a most significant area, it is important that Christians, Jews, and Muslims from all over the world be able to come visit this place of religious significance. When Jordan controlled this area, no one was allowed to visit. He went on further to say that the Palestinians need a homeland and he recognizes this, but they refuse to recognize the right of Jews to have a homeland too.

Although it's been almost a week since Netanyahu addressed congress, I have yet to hear a Palestinian leader come forward and state that Israel has a right to exist. Now stop and think about this for a moment. All the Palestinians have to do is acknowledge Israel's right to exist, and they will receive land and peace, and they have not done this? In light of this fact, many people are saying that the problems in the middle east are all Israel's fault. How can Israel expect to give up land to people who refuse to acknowledge their right to exist? What would giving up land accomplish in the name of peace, when the Palestinians refuse to recognize Israel? Would giving up land change anything when the Palestinian leaders refuse to say six words? Israel has given and given to the Palestinian people and nothing has changed. Remember the news reports that showed films of the Israeli soldiers dragging it's own people out of their homes so Palestinians could move in? These folks were crying and screaming when removed from their homes, but it was all in vein.

As for giving up the Golan Heights to an enemy, this would be suicide! Back before the six day war, Syria used the Golan Heights, with an average altitude of 3,300 feet, to cascade missiles down on Israeli citizens. If one stands at the top of this area, all of Israel is in view. If someone stated that you do not have the rights to exist, would you give them the mountainous land that overlooks your nation? I don't think so.

Another point, is the Jewish settlers who live in regions acquired from the six day war. To give up this land would mean uprooting approximately 250,000 people from their homes simply because they are Jewish. We have a word for this: ethnic cleansing!

Beach at Eilat
Although Palestinians lived in land that was captured during the six day war, they have not been forced out of their homes. In fact, Israel has bent over backwards trying to allow them a normal lifestyle after their land was acquired by a new government. The only changes were that Israel required that school text books be purged of anti-Semitic language and anti-Israel wordings. Israel provided economic assistance and allowed these areas more rights than what they had under Arab rule. The people were allowed free travel to Jordan, and during the elections women and non-property owners were given the right to vote for the first time ever. Furthermore, Arabs were allowed to choose whether they wanted to be citizens of Jordan or Israel. If they chose Israel, they were recognized as citizens and given the right to seek representation in the Knesset.

I've also heard United States citizens complain about the money that the United States has given in support of Israel. The reality, this is just a pittance in comparison to what it would cost our nation if Israel did not exist. As the only democracy in the middle east, Israel has patrolled the area, so that we don't have to. The cost of placing our troops in the middle east and making sure these nations do not attack us, would be astronomical!

Furthermore, our friendship with Israel has improved many of our military weapons. We send our weapons to Israel, their scientists improve their construction, and they send them back to us. This alone is worth millions.

campus at Haifa University
As for Israel being a democracy, they most certainly are, but not to their advantage in some respects. If you think the fighting in our congress is bad, check out Israel's. Although we have multiple parties in our nation, only two have any real say in the running of our country. This is not the case in Israel. They have multiple parties represented in their Knesset. Citizens do not vote for the person but rather the party. As long as a party gets a vote of two percent of the population, they may acquire representation in the Knesset political assembly; therefore, multiple parties of varying platforms are all represented in their house. In fact, there are several people serving in the Knesset whose platform is the destruction of Israel! Israel allows these people to have a say too. Could you imagine electing someone to congress who has strongly stated that they want to destroy the United States? That's what Israel does in their true democracy!

Finally, much of the news toward Israel has been slanted against them. I even wonder what exactly Obama did say as opposed to what the media claims he said. After he made his damaging comments, he addressed APAIC, an Israeli pro-lobby organization that met in DC, and received a standing ovation. Why would APAIC applaud Obama if he made awful claims against Israel? I have to wonder.

My daughter is just now finishing up a semester abroad at the University of Haifa. Enclosed are a few photos that I have stolen from her blog. If you'd like to see more beautiful pictures and read about her experiences, you may visit her at

Saturday, May 28, 2011

From Cage to Convertable

Honey Bear

We just added a new member to our family, Honey Bear. No, we didn't name her that, but I believe she knows her name, so we may be stuck with it. We've only had her a few hours and we've already fallen in love. She's a friendly, lovable golden retriever who gets along well with our other dogs and loves riding with the top down in our convertible.

Three-year-old Honey Bear was given up by her family when a new baby entered the home and they couldn't take care of her. As my daughter and I walked through the shelter, we spotted walls and walls of other dogs in tiny jail cells. These unwanted dogs weren't lucky enough to have a new home to go to. Some barked while others slept, but they all looked like they wanted out. When the employee let Honey Bear out of her cell, she went nuts. She darted laps around the outdoor area while wagging her feathered tail.

Honey Bear
I wish we could have taken the whole lot of them. It breaks my heart to see so many dogs that no one wants, but this is not the only prison for the homeless. In our search for Honey Bear, we visited the Memphis Humane Society. Many of those dogs are free to anyone who will have them due to an angel grant.

Three years ago we adopted Millie, a terrier mix, who has been so grateful to have a home. These rescue dogs are even sweeter than other dogs because somehow they know what their new owners have done for them. So why not? Go out to your nearest pound and bring home a friend. A furry friend is waiting for you.

Friday, May 27, 2011

near "DEATH" experience

I almost died at the age of seven. Sure, we all use the expression "almost died" or "could have died," but this was no joke. It all started when my sister took me to the grounds of Concordia Seminary where she helped me perfect my bike riding skills by having me circle the parking lot. Once I got good at it, she encouraged me to ride down the hill toward the street.

1960s Schwinn
This wouldn't have been a problem for most kids, you just put your feet on the pedals and coast your way down; however, I didn't have the concept of coasting. With full pedal pushing strength, I flew down that hill. I enjoyed the wind in my face and the thrill of the fast ride until I neared the bottom and spied a car headed straight at me.

In a panic, I pumped the break with no luck because at such a fast speed, one does not stop easily. Now here comes the weird part: right as I was set to plow head first into the car, someone grabbed the handlebars of my bike and moved me out of the way. No one was there.

So you're probably thinking I'm nuts, insane, crazy, or just plain coo coo, but I swear, someone pulled my bike out of the way of that car. No doubt about it. My bike moved to the left, and I crashed into a grassy hill, which gave me two bloody knees. That was no big deal since I rarely saw knee skin throughout my entire childhood anyway.

My sister told me how brilliant I was for turning the wheel of the bike. I didn't turn the wheel. I'm not sure who did. Maybe it was an angel, or a relative who was never more or not yet. No telling about that, but one thing's for sure: I was not meant to die at age seven.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ear Infection

Can you hear me now?
I'm not sure what I did to deserve this. Maybe it has to do with me riding around with the top down on my convertible. A piece of debris must have flown inside the ear canal and voila. Or perhaps I got dirty water in my ear from swimming, except I haven't swum in months. Whatever I did, my left ear was infected big time and a sticky white substance that alien visitors would be most interested in dripped down the side of my neck. I was up all night with throbbing pain and couldn't hear a lick out of the left side. I probably couldn't hear a scratch, blink, or tail wag either. I mean, who listens to licks anyway?

Before the throbbing came itching and clogging. My doctor put me on a Z-pack; but it didn't work, so a needle hacked into a private part of my anatomy. My hip hurt almost as much as the ear. In fact, I was in so much pain that I went to the pharmacist in the medical building because I didn't think I could stand the wait of driving to Walgreens.

The pharmacist put the pack just out of my reach while typing in my information. He had the prescription, he had my address, he had the credit card, so why couldn't he let me have one little drop of relief? I asked him with a pleasant please, and he said, "No!"

After staring at the pack a little longer, I lost it. Tears of pain shout out of my eyes and I said something I regret. Mind you, people who have been up all night and in pain are about as much fun as a funeral. The nasty women behind the counter showed no sympathy. She and her bullies yelled at me and told me all about people in pain with broken arms and what not. Plus a lady threatened not to give me my meds at all. A little compassion to a hurting, cranky person could have worked miracles.

I finally ended up at the ENT just in time to prevent a trip to the emergency room. He dug crud out of my ear while I cut off circulation to a kindly nurse's fingers. I then received adult pain meds, antibiotic drops, and pills. $250 later, I was cured. I hope you never experience the pain of an ear infection . . . unless you're the pharmacist at St. Francis Hospital.

:o - Did I really write that?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Fast Food

Being hungry, I treated myself to a stop at Burger King and ordered a Whopper Meal instead of the Whopper Junior Meal. After I told the lady what I wanted, she asked, "Small, medium, or large?" She should have said, "Do you want large, humongous, or disgusting!" There is no such thing as small when it comes to American fast food.

1,010 Calories
As any carb counter knows, 45 carbs per meal is about what we should consume. Sixty is okay, any more than that is too much. My "small" Whopper Meal consisted of a Whopper, fries, and a Diet Coke. Whew! Thank God my Coke was diet.

As I check the Burger King website, I see that I consumed  . . . HOLY SH*T!! Calories: 1010! Fat: 57 grams! Carbohydrates: 95 freaking grams! Like that's two meals in one. Like that's an entire day's worth of calories. Like that's a heart attack. I don't feel too well.

Now mind you, this was the "small"meal. Had I supersized . . . 1110(med)/1210 (lg) calories; 62(med)/67 (lg) grams of fat; 107(med.)/120 (lg) grams of carbs! Why would anyone ever need to super size a fast food meal? And to think, Burger King is flame broiled. Other places might be worse.

Burp! It was good but after looking at the carbs, I think I'll need to give up this yummy pleasure. Today is our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I hope my husband isn't planning on taking me to Burger King.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

From Goalie to Graduate

The Cutest Goalie Ever
In soccer (of futball for you European types) we call them keepers. These are the brave souls that stand in front of a net and ask for a pounding. If that ball happens to miss them, they eagerly jump in front of the bullet to take the full impact. Ouch! This wouldn't be so bad in the powder puff league, but has anyone seen the men play? You couldn't pay me to stand in that goal.

All of my kids played soccer at one time or another, but only my youngest ever played goalie. She was a little tyke who was supposed to stop powder puff balls. Unfortunately, the last time she played keeper, the ball rolled past her because she was on all fours picking flowers. So she doesn't know how to be a goalie, but she does know how to be a graduate. I'm so proud of my baby who just graduated high school with an honors diploma!

My baby's a high school graduate!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Hearing Loss Humor

Earlier this school year, I made the horrid mistake of allowing my boss to know that I hold a bachelor's degree in speech pathology/audiology. This is what I majored in way back when I was a dumb kid who hadn't a clue what to do with my life. With the discovery of my hidden degree, I was granted the job of giving hearing screenings to students in the kindergarten, second, and fourth grades.

The kids lined up outside my door, stepped inside, listened to tones, and moved on. In between classes, I decided to test the audiometer to see if it worked. That dang machine must have been broken because I couldn't hear a thing. Maybe it was related to my turning the TV up too loud (according to my husband) or blushing when someone said something benign like, "I need a Bic."

Needless to say, I set up an appointment with an ENT and had a hearing test. I'm not deaf enough to stick annoying plastic things in my ears, but I'm a bit at a loss. However, my hearing defect is atypical, and why wouldn't it be? Most people who lose hearing with age or rock music find the upper tones wiped out. My high and low tones are fine. I have a bilateral dip right in the middle--1,000 hertz. Of course, this is the pitch for speech. So I hear plenty, I just don't always understand.

The doctor said that this type of loss is hereditary. My daughter gave me a silent FU. That's okay, I couldn't hear her anyway.

Let me leave you with a fun clip about the Empty Nest and hearing loss.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I Still Have It - A Scap of Toilet Paper

Do you have any worthless possessions? These are the items that have no value but mean something to you. As the title suggests, I have tucked away a plain scrap of toilet paper in one of my books. I'm sure you're asking what any logical person would ask: Why haven't you flushed it? Anyone who went to sleep-away camp as a kid, would understand this oddity.

Back in the days of no gray hair and a skinny life-filled body, I spent my summers at a camp in Zionsville, Indiana. Today they call it Gucci but in my days, it was UCI. This is a Jewish camp with month long sessions filled with fun and sports. We lived in packed cabins with a group of girls that we grew extremely close too. We also got to know the boys quite well when we'd flirt with them during our day activities.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. For me, that was camp. The last night of camp, everyone stayed up all night crying and hugging because we didn't want to go back to our awful and abusive homes. Not really, but one would think that the way we boo hooed. Anyway, that last night of camp, I wailed with everyone else while carrying around my diminishing roll of toilet paper.

One of my friends grabbed my toilet paper and scribbled a message on it: Cheer up. We all love you. Simple, plain, to the point; and yes, I still have it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Joy Oh Joy

Joy oh joy!

It's May, and the last day of school is closing in. Not that May is a picnic. Kids want summer to begin and their behavior shows it. However, I just heard that the world is going to end on Saturday. That would be a bummer because I wouldn't get my summer vacation, so the world can't end just yet.

As for summer plans, I haven't got any. I'll just enjoy sleeping late, writing, blogging, and maybe even sending out those queries. Eventually I'll clean my house. I may even remove the cobwebs from that stack of books waiting to be read. If I don't want to get dressed until noon, so be it.

I will also attend teacher sessions to get a jump on those required during the year. If any of them offer pay, I'm all over it.

Joy oh joy! It's my favorite time of year!

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I'd always heard that whatever one needs to survive in life, one learns in Kindergarten. If you haven't seen Kindergarten in a while, keep in mind that it's now the new first grades. These little tikes, who are barely out of diapers, are already writing complete stories and completing real math problems. Forget about identifying numbers--that was so preschool. With such a tough curriculum, I wonder how any kid could survive without the pre-school experience.

I remember a carefree kindergarten year with Miss Meyers. She was a loving older woman, who I was lucky enough to have right before she retired. I loved her dearly. Apparently she loved me too because at the end of the year, I found her pink crayon in my bag. I went to tell her about it, and she said, "Shhh. Don't tell anyone, but I gave it to you because you're my favorite." Okay, here I am forty-four years later blabbing about it, but this little act meant so much to baby me. It gave me the foundation and confidence to continue on in school for another seventeen years!

I have three children who have made it through Kindergarten and way beyond. When my youngest started Kindergarten she came across the misfortune of having spoken to Ross. He was a foolish young man who worked at our community center. After Erica enjoyed her first day of Kindergarten, Ross asked her if she cried. When she gave him a puzzled look and said, "No," he didn't stop. He told my child how she is supposed to cry on the first day of Kindergarten. Everyone cries. So needless to say, she started an epidemic up and down the hall on day two. The worst criers were the teachers' kids whose moms worked right there in the building. Thanks a lot, Ross! I thought about payback when his kiddos started Kindergarten but had grown up too much to have fun at his expense. Dag-gum-mit!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Lavatory Humor

This was my lame attempt at the letter P that got moved to L when I thought of something else. If you're not amused by bathroom humor, you may move along now.

A whach-ma-call-it
In case you're still here: When I was a little girl and we had to go to the bathroom, we went weewee; however, my husband's family went teetee. Weewee, teetee, peepee, piddle, piss, wiz, puddle, tinkle, pass water, void--for something private, we sure have a lot of words for it. Then there are the words for the action--take a piss, relieve oneself, go to the bathroom, or how about just . . . wait . . . urinate?

So, I wonder, why so many words for something so private? After all, it's no one's business when I use the can, toilet, john, potty, bathroom, lavatory, powder room, rest room, water closet--here we go again. A zillion words for eliminating waste. Don't even start me on the bowels.

 I guess it's time to end this post, flush, and get off the pot.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Memphis in the News (Flood/Obama/Grizzlies)

Never seen boats this close
Power line under water?
As a humor blogger, do I dare write about something that is not even remotely funny? I write serious posts sometimes, so here one is.

I live in Memphis where the rivers' waters have swelled far beyond their normal limits. This has caused many problems for the poor flooded out victims who live close to the water's edge. Luckily, I do not reside near the river but have had the pleasure of visiting with our newest residents--the mosquitoes who have been actively breeding due to the vast amounts of sitting water in our area.

And for those who wonder, yes, that is a power line under the water. Luckily or wisely, the city has turned off the boxes to avoid an electrical tragedy.

Water up to wall
Sidewalk under water
A few nights ago, I ventured downtown to gawk at the river, as so many Memphians have done. My daughter snapped a few photos. It was particularly interesting to see the partially submerged signs warning motorists not to park in specific spots. If they parked there, they would be towed. I'd like to see the city try to tow any violators stupid enough to park under water.

In this last photo, a fish had washed on shore and met its doom. My husband stood above it and pretended to have caught the largest fish this non-fisherman had ever caught. It looked fresh, so I had to wonder if someone would take it home and slap it on a griddle. I guess the dead animal law would apply to fish too: you can only take the road kill home if you murdered it yourself.

 Although we've had some recent trouble in the city, we've also had some good news. One local high school, Booker T. Washington, had President Obama speak at their graduation ceremony yesterday. Seeing the excitement on the faces of these inner city youth, brought tears to my eyes. Okay, to tell it like it was, I boo hooed throughout the entire news broadcast.

Also, our Memphis Grizzlies just lost their seventh game of the series against Oklahoma. Unfortunately we didn't make history by being the first eighth seat to go to the final four, but we gave Oklahoma a scare. We also beat San Antonio, the first ranked team! Go Griz! The weepy players brightened up when they saw the cheering crowd waiting for the team at the airport.

So now as a city, we are more united than ever. Michael Mustgo from The Travel and Leisure site ran an article stating that Memphis has the ugliest and stupidest people in the country. Anyone who has the audacity to print an article classifying a group of strangers in such a negative manner must have an extremely ugly personality . . .  and be stupid too!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Nah, I Won't Do That (Laughter is the Best Medicine)

Since I messed up and posted my O before my P,  I figured I could do it again with the Laughter is the Best Medicine Blog Hop. I could have called this post, Monday Hop, Laughter is the Best Medicine, or anything else now that I've set the pattern of not knowing the alphabet backwards, but it's time for N so, Nah, I won't do that.

I'm supposed to make folks laugh by blogging jokes about myself, but there is nothing about me that anyone could ever make fun of. Let's face it, I have perfectly friendly hair that reaches out to greet anyone within a foot of me. I can take a lock, wrap it around a finger, and make a perfect curl. If I don't like the direction of the curl, I just flip it the other way. It bends and stays just like a pipe cleaner. But that's not all. My hair has the magical ability to change colors every few months. Not many can do that.

Even my skin is welcoming with friendly zits that come out to say "hello" right before a major event. Yes, I am the world's oldest teenager. I bet not many women pushing fifty can brag about acne! Did I say fifty? Uh, let's make that thirty.
This is my soul

But forget about my looks. The eyes are the windows to the soul, so let's see what my soul is about. In Sharon Creech's novel, "Walk Two Moons," the teacher asked the kids to draw a picture of their soul. Here is mine:

Need I say more. Now that you've seen my soul, you know that there is nothing funny about me. I am a totally serious teacher who is about to go crazy now that it's May and the kids have quit thinking because to them school is out. So what does your soul look like. Do you dare share??

Saturday, May 14, 2011


With all of the blogger outage mess, I messed up and posted my O piece first, so if you want to keep in this backwards order, scoot down one entry and that should be for today. You can pretend that I posted punishments yesterday, if that makes you happy. For those who don't care, here goes . . .

My husband and I were never ones to spank our children. Not to say we didn't punish them when they misbehaved, we just found better ways to discipline. Discipline doesn't need to leave kids angry or bitter, but rather to teach children right from wrong.

One of our most successful punishments worked well with our oldest two kids when they were very young. "Do what we say or we won't let you brush your teeth." The kids would scramble to obey because nothing was worse than a stinky mouth. Not only did we get them to mind us, but we changed their view of tooth brushing from something parents force their children to do to a privilege.

I remember another situation when our son was just a toddler.  I was struggling to load our large golden retriever into the back of our van. Daniel spun circles while I was distracted until a truck honked and nearly missed hitting him. Many parents would spank a child for going into the street, but in reality, whose fault is it? He was too young to understand his actions, and I needed to be more focused on him than the dog. If I needed to be angry with anyone, it should have been me. I let my instincts take over when I snatched that baby into my arms. Tears shot out of my eyes as I told him how scared I was at the thought of almost losing him because I love him so much. We locked in a hug for a long while, and that boy never ventured into the street again. Objective reached.

Finally, it would be nice to say that my children never fought with each other, but they did. Once they reached "our" limit of fighting, we sat them on the love seat until they learned how to love each other. We didn't need to punish them because they punished themselves more than we ever could have. To quote Bill Cosby, "Parents don't want fair, they want quiet."

Parents need to quit hitting their children and find quintessential punishments instead. I know I wouldn't do a better job at work, or any where else, if someone hit me whenever I messed up. What is the true message in spanking?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Oh, No. Not Again

I leave my Skype on in case my daughter who is over seas wants to chat; however, I repeatedly find odd messages from a Russian dating site. Yes, I'm of Russian decent, but I'm also married, female, and straight. No matter how many times I block these lonely hearts, they still find a way to send me bizarre messages like the one below.

Greetings dear! I'm not a deer, moose, or elk. I do respond to dear from some folks but usually they are people I'm intimate with or of the older generation.

I'm Marina. I live in Russian Federation. Having never met you, do I really care what your name is or where you live?
Do you know that the most attractive ladies in the world live in my country? That's true! Of course it is! My ancestors were from Russia, so I must be a most attractive lady. Thanks for the compliment.
I invite you to a very good international dating site where hundreds of lone I am searching forly hearts are looking for their future lovers. What makes this a good site? If it's that good, why are you trying to gain business from strangers who are totally out of this arena? Besides, what is a "lone I am searching forly hearts" mean? Does this person need a heart transplant. Ah! That's it. The woman is Russian and needs a heart from someone who is also of Russian decent. Sorry, lady. I'm heartless. And looking for future lovers? I already blogged about how I like my present one.
I dream about meeting a charming one I am searching for for longterm relations or even marriage. I'm charming! Thanks again, but keep keep searching. I'm married.

Are you the one I am searching for? ;) That's a H*&L No!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Quagmire - Move over Moonglompers!

Kurt Vonnegut introduced us to Diana Moon Glampers—the ugliest, stupidest, and meanest women on Earth—who often made cameo appearances in several of his novels. My favorite role of Diana’s was as the button pushing general who would scramble the thoughts of intelligent people by causing plane wreck noises in their ears. If you’ve never read Vonnegut’s short story, “Harrison Bergeron,” check it out.

Although Diana is mean, stupid and ugly, Quagmire beats her at being the most disgusting person known to fiction (giggity giggity goo). This Family Guy neighbor has a mind geared totally to sex and abusing woman.  I'd like to slap him then throw him in jail. Even his name means an awkward, complex, or hazardous situation. That's the man. He's the sort of moron that makes one thank the lord he's fiction and hope a real life creep like Quagmire stays out of one's neighborhood. Every thought he has is about sex. He will take the most benign situation and relate it to, you guessed it, sex. Gross. If you haven't met this fictional character, consider yourself blessed. If you haven't met a real life Quagmire, that's even better!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


After eating a disgusting glob of fat, calories, and carbs on Mother's Day, I need to get back to running. I'm a long time seasonal runner who takes up the sport when it's convenient or a group opportunity arrives. This usually happens in the summer and fall. This summer, I will once again start the Road Race Series. The event, that is filled with super jocks, begins in mid July with races every two weeks that get longer as we go.

"Fall" Running Photo
If all goes well and I've made it to every race, I'll drop out after the 10K. In order to get a cool prize, I must complete six races, and that is good enough for me. Unfortunately, life usually keeps me from completing my six races before they get too lengthy. Last year, I missed a race and had to run 10 "fun" miles. But fortunately, I only had to do that once. The rest of the athletes will do this twice and run the most boring half marathon course known to human kind. I did it once and swore I'd never run it again. It's a straight route up a barren highway and back. Maybe some road kill could help the interest level along the course, but unfortunately, it's against Tennessee law to take road kill home and eat it unless you actually kill the vermin. Daggumit! How else could we get cheap meat?

Come fall, I'll further my running adventures by joining the women's running series. I'll meet with the intermediate group once a week, and we'll run a few miles every Monday night. So being May, I guess it's time to dust off the running shoes and prepare to lag behind the rabbits (runners not road kill).

Speaking of animals, have you seen the movie, Jumanji? When running, I often think of the panting hippo at the back of the stampede. Yep! That would be moi; but, I figure running behind the pack beats snoozing on the sofa. Although someone once told me it is better to be like an elephant than a fly. The elephant moves slowly and lives a long time, while the hyper fly zips around the window and is dead by morning. Personally, I wouldn't want to be either . . . nor do I want to be the hippo from Jumanji, but that's life in the runner's world.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Stylish Blogger Award

I was given a Stylish Blogger Award  from Rhonda several weeks ago, but I'm just now getting around to taking it.  Having Style is new for me!  I never really considered the humor genre to be elegant but maybe I make it that way. ;)  Then yesterday she gave me the Versatile Blogger Award. I guess if I can have style, I must be versatile too. The awards have the same rules, so I'm awarding them together to some wonderful bloggers. You may choose the one that fits you best or have them both because I'm giving them to those on the list below.

                                 ♥ Thank You Rhonda at
Stylish Blogger Award

With these awards come a set of rules. Rhonda and I are not crazy about rules, but here they are:
1. Thank and link back to the person giving you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 10-15 blogs you think deserve this award.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know about the award.

Here's my seven "things" in case you're interested:
  • I love to write for children.
  • I'm currently working on my fifth kidlit novel.
  • I have a story published in this month's issue of AppleSeeds magazine.
  • I have queried and am hoping for more gigs.
  • I am currently enrolled in my second course at the Institute of Children's Literature.
  • My all time favorite authors are Gordan Kormen and Margaret Peterson Haddix.
  • I am an active member of the Midsouth chapter of SCBWI.
Here are some wonderful blogs that deserve the Stylish & Versatile Blogger Awards:

Anna at Green Talk
Shelli's  at Market My Words
Christina at Hungry Meets Healthy
Crazy Mommy at Evil Eyebrows and Other Oddities
Talli at Talli Roland
Aimee at Seeking the Write Life
Debbie at Inkygirl
Pamo at Pamo Blog
Karen at Following the Whispers
The Humor Smith
Quirky Loon
Jodi at Rants "N Rascals
The Chronicals of Rico and Regular Appearances From...

Please check them out.

    Monday, May 9, 2011

    Teacher's Curse

    We've all heard of the mother's curse, "I hope one day you have a kid who acts just like you," but did you know there is also a teacher's curse? Although most of my students have liked me, I certainly would not be so vain as to claim that I've pleased all of them. In fact, I had one little stinker years ago who absolutely despised me.

    I'm not sure what I ever did to make her hate me so much. Perhaps it had to do with her having problems with her mother, who I was friendly with, or maybe it was that she was so gifted that I struggled to meet her needs. Whatever the mystery reason, this girl had it out for me unlike any student I've ever taught.

    Now you might be thinking, No. She didn't really hate you, you just think she did, but I assure you, this child hated me enough that I had multiple conversations with her parents about how she hated me and the mystery as to why. Even her siblings would go out of their way to be kind to me just to aggravate her. She was also a sly one who was usually passively aggressive in class just enough to bend the rules without breaking them. For example, she once asked me if the dress I was wearing was one I'd worn when I was pregnant. She knew what she was doing!

    I don't see most of my students outside of class, but her family tended to run in the same circles as us, so I was always and forever running into her around town. When seeing me outside of school, she would literally fling her nose in the air and walk by, no matter how her parents tried to persuade her to say, "Hello."

    I ran into this beautiful, young woman about a year ago. Although she took my order at Starbucks, I didn't recognized her. She told me who she was and wanted to know how I was doing. Plus, she acknowledged and apologized for having been a nasty child. She went on to tell me how she too is now a teacher. She teaches math at an inner city high school. Knowing about her teaching situation, I really didn't need to place a curse on her. I'm sure she gets much worse than she gave me. What goes around comes around. I do, however, wish her the best.

    Saturday, May 7, 2011

    Under Visited Posts

    If you're a blogger, you know the post. It's that one you spent multiple brain cells developing and when written you thought, this is pretty darn good. Then you posted it and hardly anyone came by for a visit. Maybe it had a bad title, topic, or timing. Who knows? But I have a few favorites that I'd like to re-post to see if they can find new life.

    So here are five of my personal faves that are not currently on my top ten list. In fact, only The Eighth Wonder of the World was ever on my top ten more popular post list. Just click on the link to revisit if you missed the post the first time around, and if you are interested.

    That Closet Did It to My Clothes Again! #AtoZ

    Friday, May 6, 2011


    You know the stuff! Petroleum jelly. Thick gooey blobs of grease that could be a fun horror movie special affect with a little red food coloring. With a name like "Petroleum jelly," one has to wonder where this stuff comes from. Is there a petroleum plant, run off from gasoline, or what?

    Looking at Wikipedia, petroleum jelly is a semi-solid mixture of hydrocarbons with a melting point of about 167˚. Now I don't know about you, but I never tried to melt Vaseline. I mean if you coat your logs in Vaseline then stick them in the fire, will they burn longer? Purer? Send off healing products into the air?

    The article goes on to report that Vaseline is tasteless. Thank God they told me that! I was going to spread it on my toast this morning. Also, Vaseline has no known healing effects, but rather works as a Bandaid to keep germs out. What do you use Vaseline for? On second thought, I don't want to know!

    Wednesday, May 4, 2011

    XX - The Sex

    For those of you who clicked because you saw the three letter word above, get your minds out of the gutter and accept that my post is about females. Men like to call us weak, and us women let those goofballs believe it as we cleverly outsmart our male counterparts. After all, we have an extra leg of chromosome.

    Remember the scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the women manipulated the man into coming up with their idea because after all, "men are smart." But that's just a movie. What about real life male smarts? I bet you don't see many women grabbing their cameras and heading out to photograph a real live tornado when the sirens go off.

    I'll never forget college when a good friend had a serious problem and needed my help. He had a hole in his sock, and not one guy in his fraternity knew how to fix it. He wanted me to show him how to darn a sock. It ain't rocket science! And then there's the young man who wanted to heat a can of soup. He lit the burner and put the can on top. Nearly set the place on fire.

    So when you're thinking about the intelligent sex, think females - but please don't think of Sarah Palin.

    Tuesday, May 3, 2011

    Yours: That's Succinctly Yours - The Old Chair

    Grandma Goulash's Weekend Writer's Retreat

    I've been challenged to write about this chair. Well, okay. I've written about sea shells, dragons, and dandruff, so surely I can come up with a word or two about a chair--from the chair's point of view. Why not?

    What are you looking at? Oh, yeah. I forgot that I have gorgeous scenery out my window. Not that I ever get to look at it. Behind is my magic word. The sea is behind me. You think I ever get to hear the movement of the water or feel the wind against my velvet. All I get is a smelly behind on top of me, and these people aren't lightweights either. In fact, my velvet used to be yellow but I became so flustered from the fat gal, that I turned as orange as an Oompa Loompa. Yet I'm supposed to look pretty and pretend that I don't have the worst job in the house. 

    Flush! Err, uh, correction--the second worst job in the house.

    a meme for writers of all kinds 

    Click on this icon to see the Grandma Goulash's picture challenge and hop onto other pages.

    Monday, May 2, 2011

    Zowwy! Here We Go Again.

    I just finished the A-Z April Blogging challenge, and now I've signed up for the Z-A in May. What am I nuts? I guess I just need a little direction on what to write about . . . and zowwy, maybe a little time to figure out my posts. Stick with me, and I'll figure this out along the way. Even though May is the longest month of the year--just ask any teacher--I'm going to stay awake and make this blog challenge happen with zest!

    Here We Go Again!
    I thoroughly enjoyed the A-Z Challenge. During the month of April, I picked up a lot of new followers, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how many. Maybe between 75-100. I surprised myself in how I was able to keep up with it and come up with original topics for each letter. I enjoyed the challenge so much that here we go again. I signed up for this new Z-A Challenge at: Why don't you come join me?

    Sunday, May 1, 2011

    Cetus the Whale (Six Sentence Sunday)

    Here's another six sentences from Being Bompsy Carleffa, my unpublished YA manuscript for the Six Sentence Sunday at After Ben's kidnapping by the mob, Sarah and Austin are searching for him by studying clues from the internet.

                “During study hall, I conducted further research on the Carleffas.” Austin looked like he’d discovered a cure for Cancer or better yet, found Ben. “They’re worth sixteen billion dollars—claimed money anyway; they probably have more hidden in overseas accounts since their accountant’s a crook with a criminal record as long as Cetus the Whale.”
                “Long as who?”
                “Huge constellation with a M77 that has an active galactic nucleus,” Austin said.
                Since I didn’t speak nerd, I had no clue what he was babbling about, but that didn’t stop Austin from continuing in his excitement.