Catch My Products

Catch My Products
Click on the image to visit Catch My Products.

My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous Thoughts About Life & Teaching"

Sunday, August 12, 2012

#GBE2: Two Perspectives of My Mob Story

This week's challenge is to write two separate, but related pieces. I have chosen a scene from my unpublished young adult manuscript, BEING BOMPSY CARLETTA. For those who don't know, I started this blog because I am an aspiring author. I've written five novels but haven't published any of them. Time to send out some queries.

My first passage is from Fiso Carleffa’s point of view. Fiso is the mob boss father who had recently been united with his fifteen-year-old son after twelve years of believing the kid and his mother had died in a car wreck. The story was originally written in Ben Smith's, aka Bompsy Carleffa’s, first person point of view.
 



          Bompsy's eyes widened then a bewildered expression covered his face. What had his mom been feeding him all these years? Mac and cheese? He didn’t look malnourished, but he certainly wasn’t used to eating gourmet either. “Do you like the gazpacho?” I asked.
            He dropped his spoon and looked at me like I was feeding him poison.
            “Eat it. It’s good for you.” I twirled my spoon in a circular motion until he finally took another sip. That's when I realized my own son was afraid of me. I guess I'd screwed up when I ordered his beating, but what else could I have done after he cursed and punched me? I’m his own father and the kid didn’t even know me, nor at least respect me.
            Gil brought us our pallet cleansers and once again Bompsy scrunched his brows together while staring at the sherbet.
            “You look confused.” I pointed to Bompsy's plate. “That’s a palate cleanser.”
            He clearly didn’t understand.
             “Your mom sure didn’t show you the finer things in life.” How will I ever make this boy feel at home? Maybe I should apologize for the whipping.
             “Can I be excused?” he said.
            “Now? You haven’t had dinner.”
            “I’m not up to eating.” He stared at his hands. Poor kid had chewed his nails off completely. I wanted to spend more time with him, but he obviously couldn’t wait to get away from me.
            “Very well, but learn to call this home. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll even love me like I love you.” If that boy’s mom lives, it won’t be for long.



Brent Turner

This is how I picture my character Ben/Bompsy, so this young actor can play him if he doesn't have gray hair by the time my book gets published and becomes a movie. The next bit of text is the original wording from my novel. Please read the same scene told from Ben/Bompsy's point of view and hopefully you'll see the humor in it that Fiso didn't catch.



           When I sipped the soup, I was shocked. Cold soup? All this money, and these people couldn’t heat the soup.
            “Do you like the gazpacho?” Fiso asked.
            I dropped my spoon on the table. Why would he mention the Gestapo? What was he, a modern day Nazi? Sure, doesn’t everyone like murderers? Sick. This guy’s really sick!
            “Eat it. It’s good for you.” Fiso twirled his spoon in a circular motion.
            Not wanting another beating, I forced the soup down my throat. I was a spineless wimp doing whatever that Nazi demanded. The soup left a spicy, hot taste in my mouth so I drank more water. Gil put a small scoop of sherbet in front of me. I stared at the lime mound. Dinner must’ve been over since he’d already brought dessert.
            “You look confused.” Fiso pointed to my plate. “That’s a palate cleanser.”
            I didn’t get it.

           “Your mom sure didn’t show you the finer things in life.”
            How was this a finer thing? What was I supposed to do with the light green lump? I lifted a small sample to my tongue and choked the sweet, icy food down. My full mind didn’t want to feed my empty stomach. “Can I be excused?”
            “Now? You haven’t had dinner.”
            “I’m not up to eating.” I lowered my head and stared at my fingers. I wasn’t a nail biter, yet somehow had chewed my nails down to the pink on the way to St. Louis.
            “Very well, but learn to call this home. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll even love me like I love you.”
            Love? How could that monster talk about love? He had his brother kidnap me, Mom killed, and my back scarred, but I was supposed to love him?
 
If any agents or editors are visiting my blog, BEING BOMPSY CARLEFFA is available for publication, and I will send it to legitimate agencies upon request. I have also written a sequel to this novel and three other original works for children and/or teens, as well as a published story in AppleSeeds magazine. Furthermore, I am an active member of SCBWI and have completed course work at the Institute for Children's Literature.

17 comments:

shelly said...

I really like that Gil heard gestapo. Too funny.

Jo said...

Very interesting take. I could clearly see that the boy and the man were from two different worlds and would obviously see that scene completely differently! Good job!

Anonymous said...

Terrific! I can't wait to read the book...and see the movie!

danneromero said...

nice. great perspectives that ring true..... the internal mind of characters coming to life.... :)

Amit Herlekar said...

Quite interesting.

ralph said...

this is fiction, right? LOL... read it to the last, liked the plot... and how it's written in a first person point of view. Yahweh bless.

Theresa said...

I like being able to read from each of their points of view. 2 very different takes on the same situation. Good Job Joyce and best of luck getting your works published!

Mike said...

Joyce, have you thought of self publishing an e-book? Go to Lulu.com, and they'll have the stuff you need. Good luck, it looks interesting.

Anonymous said...

woah..my heart is with the kid already!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Brenda, I'm rooting for the kid. Great job. Good luck on getting a publisher.

Kathy said...

The father must be completely clueless. Like Kat and Brenda, I am rooting for the kid. Great job!!

Kathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

Steven said...

I'm with Ben....cold soup is gross.

Funny how two people can see things so differently even when it's right in front of them.

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye said...

Good luck on getting a publisher :-)

Amy Morgan said...

Great story intro Joyce. I enjoyed it from Ben's perspective the most. It draws you in right away and not only makes you want to see how the characters will develop, but what their history is as well.

Anonymous said...

Joyce,

#1. I love gangster stories as well as movies.

#2. Loved the excerpts from the story and especially enjoyed reading what was going on in the boy's head after reading the father's dialogue.
I would read this book any day! Great job.

Sondra C said...

So nice to read your posts. I really enjoy each of them regardless of topic

November Rain - k~ said...

I liked the contrast between the points of view, the second one made me laugh hard.