Weekend Writing Warriors
8/17/14
Here are seven lines from my unpublished manuscript. Advice is always accepted.
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Pinging came from a flag hook tapping
its pole outside the open window. Thinking about soccer, I checked for storm
clouds when I spotted a bug-eyed, fat guy leaning on a Cadillac. He fixed his
gaze my way causing a tingle to creep up the back of my neck. Even though the
guy was just a random stranger, my heart raced at the mere sight of him
standing under the ominous clouds. My shoulders inched upward as tension filled
my core. Taking a deep breath, I turned to Sara. “Let’s go.”
17 comments:
Good descriptive of the rather creepy guy.
Dark clouds, bug-eyed man fixing his bug-eyed gaze on her...not even the thought of soccer can erase the creepy tone here. lol. Great job setting the scene!
Only thing is, "bug-eyed" sort of conjures "bug-eyed alien." Is that intentional?
I could "feel" the ominous setting.
good use of descriptive words.
You really set the scene well!! I love it.
I definitely wonder what's going to happen with the man. Good job of getting the reader engaged with the scene in just a few sentences!
That stranger is one i certainly wouldn't want to hang around.
I can certainly feel the tension! Nice job.
The ending was good. The second sentence threw me though.
Congrats for being wise and brave enough to share!
I am going straight to my front door now, to make sure it is locked.
Oh, I got shivers as soon as you described him. My mind immediately said "bad news".
very intriguing.
Sounds ominous! Definitely fraught with suspense. I agree that the second sentence seems a bit awkward though. How about something like this instead?
"Thinking about soccer, I checked for storm clouds and spotted a bug-eyed, fat guy leaning on a Cadillac."
Sorry this is a bit late :$ Is this the intro? It draws me in instantly and I want to read on. Not sure if this creepy guy is a recurring character, or one put in to help develop the protagonist.
This line struck me as awkward, "Pinging came from a flag hook tapping its pole outside the open window." I'm not really sure why. It sounds like she's in a room of some sort. Perhaps go about it like she's daydreaming or spacing out, but the sound of the flag hook brings her back to reality. Or maybe it's really silent so the pinging stands out.
You did a great job of creating an ominous atmosphere :) I'm hoping we find out a bit more about this next week!
Is this better?
Thinking about soccer, I checked for storm clouds but was distracted by a bug-eyed, fat guy leaning on a Cadillac.
Great set-up. It makes me wonder why the main character finds the fat guy creepy or dangerous. Was he giving them a evil stare? Fondling himself? I'm motivated to see if this creepy guy comes into play later on.
Keep smiling,
Yawatta
Good job introducing the creepy factor! Nicely done. :-)
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