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Saturday, July 5, 2014

#8 Weekend Writing Warriors Blog Hop - Get's Musical

I'm glad to be a part of the Weekend Writing Warriors.

Weekend Writing Warriors / #8 Sunday / 07/06/14
www.wewriwa.com


A weekly festival of writers sharing excerpts from their work.  
Many different genres; something for everybody. 

     Here is a passage from my unpublished young adult manuscript called BEING BENITO CARLEFFA. I've included a short description below the passage to give background information if wanted. 

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡
     “Here’s the deal, kid.” Carsa leaned close, brushed the handle of the strap down my jawbone, and used it to move my face so that I met his eyes and could almost taste his sour breath. The cold plastic grip dug into my cheek while its leather tail gently danced against my ribcage in a cruel tease. Once again, Carsa’s pupils widened with a three-second crazed expression then dwindled back to normal size as if drugs had returned him from his psychotic trip. 
    “You will not leave this room unscathed,” Carsa continued, “however a little cooperation could help.” He cracked the air beside me. Every muscle in my body tightened as a shiver shot down my spine. “Did your dad say two or three,” he grinned while stroking his torture device, “or was it five or six? Just can’t remember.” 
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

My teenage character had been kidnapped earlier in the day by employees of a mob boss father who he didn't know existed. The scene takes place in a dark study after Ben broke his father's Waterford lamp and used a glass shard as a weapon against Dad while cussing him out. Not that Ben's a bad kid, he's actually quite good, but he just learned that this scum bag killed his mom, and you can't blame him for being just a little ticked. Of course his father never does the dirty work. Why should he when he's got Carsa to wear the mud?

Compliments are great, but what I'm really looking for is the constructive criticism to take the passage to a new level. 

Thanks!
Joyce


Sorry I almost missed Musical Monday Moves Me. I'm vacationing in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Here's a quick musical addition to go with my writing.






Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava’s Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.




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27 comments:

Colette S said...

That was a tease indeed! I like it.

It will be interesting to see the whole plot!

Thanks for sharing.

Karren Haller said...

I hope this ends well, right now it sounds threatening. Thanks for stopping by Weekends Are Fun. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!!!

Pat Hatt said...

Oh, could be in for a rough go by the sounds of it.

drsylvesterfiction.com said...

Like it. Like it a lot. Good job!
I think it would snap and crackle a bit more if you maybe cut a couple of the adjectives, not because there's anything wrong with a good adjective, but because a few too many can bog things down a little, and keep us from the action. Eg: “Here’s the deal, kid.” Carsa leaned close, brushed the handle of the strap down my jawbone, and used it to move my face so that I met his eyes, and could almost taste his sour breath. The grip dug into my cheek, while its leather tail danced against my ribcage...
I added a few commas here and there, just to give the reader a natural cadence to read to, and making the sentences easier to digest. Having said all that, I really liked this as it was and hope to see more of your writing!

thepaperbutterfly said...

This was written very well, so there isn't much concrit to give XD After thinking about it for a minute or two, I think this line could be improved, "Once again, Carsa’s pupils widened with a three-second crazed expression then dwindled back to normal size as if drugs had returned him from his psychotic trip." I don't know Ben's experiences, but I would perhaps liken Carsa to a madman and/or to a predatory animal. Maybe Ben has seen a madman on the streets or in pictures. I wouldn't describe the pupils as getting big because that's too anatomical. And associating it with a drug trip doesn't describe the fear that Ben is feeling. I would describe Carsa's eyes as wild and dark, and then compare it to either a predatory animal and/or a sociopath. Or something along those lines.

You might also be able to add in another line or two about Ben's fear. I don't know what is before or after this excerpt though, so maybe that isn't needed. I assume that's what he's feeling here. You have a line about his body tightening and a shiver going down his spine. It just feels like a bit more is needed assuming that Ben's fear is not described immediately before or after this passage.

Everything else was great, and it's easy for the reader to picture the scene. You are a talented writer yourself, and draw the reader in with your vivid descriptions :) I think my favorite line was this one, "Carsa leaned close, brushed the handle of the strap down my jawbone, and used it to move my face so that I met his eyes and could almost taste his sour breath." It's so creepy, and it makes me feel like I'm there with Ben. It's suspenseful as well and makes me wonder what is going to happen next.

messymimi said...

Right now, i'm scared for that kid. You've painted a very dark character there.

Joyce Lansky said...

Thanks for the great tips. I think the "plastic" needs to go, and I'm thinking about the "cold" too. I've know two people in my life whose pupils would randomly enlarge and contract. They were both nuts, too. I've tried to research eyes doing that but haven't found much. Anyway, it's been Carsa's trademark throughout the manuscript.

Debbie said...

Poor kid! Carsa just oozes a menacing vibe and I can picture him in my mind, (or, it may be the cartoon ☺). I agree about the first sentence being a bit long and yes, the word "plastic" does seem unnecessary. Otherwise, this is definitely something I would read.

Debbie said...

I forgot to mention: Welcome to WeWriWa. ☺

Rhonda Albom said...

I like it. The only word that bothered me at all was "brushed" as it sounds almost gentle.

Charmaine Gordon said...

Damn scary; both the kid and the captor.So what's next? When the reader asks this question, it's a good sign.

mail4rosey said...

I'm not a writer, so I have nothing but compliments. I think you did a great job!

angelaquarles.com said...

Sounds like he's in a tight spot and you did a great job drawing the scene. Normally I don't give constructive suggestions unless asked, but since you did, it might be stronger to change out 'could almost taste' to have him actually tasting it and maybe describing the taste, maybe via metaphor, to show how it affects Ben?

Veronica Scott said...

Intense and very foreboding. Great snippet!

Millie Burns said...

I second Drsylvesterfictions comment. I am wondering if he might emit a nasty laugh of some sort as he cracks that whip...although I think I mentally added one on my own, so maybe it's not necessary!

Teresa Cypher said...

I don't think there's anything left for me to comment on. It's been covered by earlier comments. Welcome to wewriwa. We're glad to have you!

Binky said...

Sounds as if it would be an action-packed plot. At first I thought this was some sort of strange horse story.

homecomingbook said...

Frightening.

Amy Morgan said...

Loved this Joyce. I have known people with those eyes as well. And I agree that they can be his trademark without it being so descriptive. I don't know that Ben would be thinking so clearly after the crack of the whip. Maybe more of a reaction of how the changing pupils made him (Ben) feel. Liked this and would love to read more!

yhosby said...

I loved this snippet. It really showed the danger he faced. It was good how you used body language with the dialogue to really set the mood. Well done!

Keep smiling,
Yawatta

Colette S said...

Enjoy your getaway :)

Cathy Kennedy said...

Definitely a nice snippet of your novel, but I think I would like to feel what Ben is experiencing a bit more. Otherwise, I like how you describe your villain.

stevebethere said...

Enjoy your holidays and nice choice Joyce ..."rolls eyes"

Mike Golch said...

Cool,Devo is a good group to listen to.

Marie Moody said...

Okay well that was different! This was an oldie, but goodie to really party! Thanks for sharing and joining us.

Naila Moon said...

Loved the writing and the song...perfection!
http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/

Rory Bore said...

love the dark tone you have set. give my spine some tingles - but not too scary. A great start to what sounds like a really intriguing plot.

and the song is perfect.