Silly Sunday: Dear Dr. Laura

Here's a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger that's been circulating the internet since circa May 2000. Unfortunately, the clever author is unknown.

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

Theme Thursday: Recollections of a Runner

As I watch the Olympic track stars, I recall my brief brush with victory in an elementary school field day foot race. We gathered at the start of the cross country course at Shaw Park while the gym teacher pointed to the various trees we were to pass. As an active listener, I took careful note of the course then quickly fell into my usual spot of DFL. (For those who are not runners, DFL stands for D%mn  F*cking  Last).

As the race progressed, I didn't understand why all the other kids were sprinting to the wrong tree. The PE teacher clearly showed us the course, but the girls weren't running it, so I hot footed it to the tree as instructed earlier.

Apparently, the adult at one tree didn't listen as well as I had. He told the lead runner to head to the wrong tree and all the athletes followed her... except for me. I found myself in the lead when the others had to backtrack to the tree they'd skipped. Unfortunately my lack of running skill didn't hold up on a steep hill right before the finish line. The former lead runner, a true athlete, passed me and took first. But hey, I received a second place red ribbon which is more than I'd ever gotten in my turtle-like existence.

In 1972, Dave Wottle was not the only runner to win after starting out in last place!

                                                                                                

Wordless Wednesday: Water Proof Raincoats

Wow! 

These raincoats are waterproof!