Six13 - Pesach Shop (2013 Passover Jam)

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Silly Sunday: Terrorist Plot Revealed

On my way to the mailbox, I found a note in my yard and KNOW I've uncovered a secret terrorist plot. The plan will be orchestrated by three men code named "Hot Dogs, Beer, and Yazoo." These chicken-hearted thugs are planning an offensive against farms in Avocado Heights, California. To prepare for the assault, they've worked their buns off earning bread. They've also found secret contacts in bars. Pease take heed to this dangerous message before we roast in hot soup. 

Upon further inspection, I discovered that these bad guys lure dogs into the mission through treats such as pies made with pot. Before you water down the seriousness of my find, be aware of their use of a dangerous chemical code named "Diet Coke." They've tried to smooth over the hard results of this mission by sending the Arabic greeting of peace, "Salaam." Furthermore, the Swiss have funded their attack through the sale of candy. I need to contact the FBI to inform them of how I chipped away this cheesy plan all from a note in my yard. 

So here's the note. Do you think I'm on to something?

Silly Sunday: Chickens

Two morons were walking down the street. 

The first one says, "Hey! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, I'll give you both of them."

"Three."

"No fair. You peeked!"

Photo from Backyard Chickens.com

For more chicken fun, visit The Backyard Chicken

A farmer graduates from Texas A&M and starts his own chicken farm. He buys three chickens, plants them in the ground feet first and then waters and fertilizes them. Much to his dismay, the chickens die. So, he buys three more chickens and plants them in the ground head first. After water and fertilization, these chickens die even faster. After that, the confused farmer writes his school and tells what happened. 

The next week, a letter arrives from Texas A&M:

Dear Farmer,
Please send soil sample.

 

Silly Sunday: Spanish Test

An eighth grader was asked to take a practice probe to help him prepare for achievement tests. After he logged into the program, he raised his hand and said in a condescending voice, "Ah, my test is in Spanish, and I don't speak Spanish." 

Please notice question number one on his test...

Caffe latte, cappuccino, and café au lait are all words or phrases from other countries that mean drinks made with ________________.

a. Chocolate

b. Coffee

c. Sugar

d. Tea

Silly Sunday: Life Support

Silly Sunday: ⚡Bar Flys⚡

Wonderful artwork by Kevin Smith. Check out his other illustrations at Creative Spark Studio. Kevin designs lots of cool posters, T-shirts, logos, and even photo restorations. Don't worry, he won't destroy priceless paintings of Jesus. ;)

⚡Bar Flys⚡ 

For just $39.99, you can be a fly on the wall and watch your kids consume massive amounts of alcohol, listen  to conversations (she's just a friend, hmm?), and not let them see you blush.

Does your son really pick up half-dressed women with too much eye-liner? 

Is the elastic at the waistline of your daughter's shirt inching upward while the neckline's slipping down?

Find out the answers today by calling 1-800-Bar-Flys. Down one capsule with a pint of beer and off you'll buzz to the twenty-something scene. Plant your hairy legs on a wall to hear and see all for this one time limitted offer. 

With Bar Flys you can be flying into the bar for only $39.99.

Uses
✦temporarily stops Ωβs, ΠϕΔs, and any other fraternity creeps from hitting on your daughter. Ever try successful flirting with a fly repeatedly landing on your nose, ears, or private parts? 
✦also effective to stop son when he acts like Ωβ or ΠϕΔ 
✦provides light buzz

Warnings
Do not use at ball games, plays, or any other event that contains programs. Accidental swatting may be fatal. Overuse of Bar Flys may result in
✦nervousness
✦jittery movements
✦attraction to sugary substances
✦seeing octuple

 Don't drive a motor vehicle or operate machinery when taking Bar Flys. Accidents can occur when drivers lose human dexterity.

"It works! I've grounded my kids for life," -Eves Drop

 Bar Flys! Get it today through this 

 special offer!

1-800-Bar-Flys

And if you act now, we'll throw in one free Car Ant that will allow you to see if that son really stopped texting and driving.

Silly Sunday: Designated Drivers

 "Would you date a twenty-year-old?" she asked.

"Sure! That way I'd have a designated driver."

Her face turned crimson while her smile faded.

As if that wasn't enough of a controversy, he continued. "One day I'll get hitched, knock the girl up, and have nine months of a designated driver."

In comes the peanut gallery, "Of course if she nurses, you could have years."

Silly Sunday: Dear Dr. Laura

Here's a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger that's been circulating the internet since circa May 2000. Unfortunately, the clever author is unknown.

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

Silly Sunday: Looking Old

When a lady visits a new doctor, she recognizes his name as being the same as someone she'd gone to school with; however, this man looks much too old to be the fellow from her class. After much careful consideration, she says, "I think you were in my class."

To which the man replies, "Oh, really. What did you teach?"

Here's a funny clip about a prank on the young whipper snappers.

                                               

                                                                               

                                                                             

Silly Sunday: Failing a Test with Dignity

I go back to my teaching job on July 30th. I'm not sure if I'm ready.

Silly Sunday: Uranus

I got "wind" that Camp Sabra has discovered my blog. Well, kiddos, here's one just for you!

Silly Sunday: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

I flipped through HBO's movies on demand and found a twelve minute preview of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter that happened to be 11½ minutes too long. I mean really. Honest Abe doing fancy kickboxing while slicing blood suckers with his hatchet? What will they come up with next? 

*George Washington wrestling the Abominable snowman in the Florida Keys? 

*John Adams wearing a hula skirt and singing Bali Hai? 

*Maybe they can dye Thomas Jefferson's hair black to turn him Goth! 

Is there not any respect for our past presidents?

The writer obviously knew little about Lincoln because a true movie about him would surely be a comedy. I kid you not. Lincoln was funny! Here's my favorite anecdote about him. 

A visitor once asked Lincoln how many men the rebels had in the field. Lincoln replied seriously, “Twelve hundred thousand, according to the best authority.” 

The visitor turned pale and gasped, “Good Heavens!”

Lincoln continued: “Yes, sir; twelve hundred thousand. You see, all of our generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them three to one, and I must believe them. We have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four makes twelve. Twelve hundred thousand; no doubt about it.”

If you want to read more, click back to my post Lincoln Was Funny!

I confess! This little clip gave me better entertainment than the twelve minutes preview of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Enjoy!

Silly Sunday: It's All Relative

Silly Sunday: Le-a

How would you pronounce this child's name?

 

She spells her name "Le-a"

 

 

So how would YOU pronounce her name?

 

 

 

Leah?  ....................NO.

Lee- A?  ................. NOPE.

Lay -a?  .............. NOT A CHANCE.

Lei?..........NICE TRY, BUT GUESS AGAIN!

 

 

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong.

She says it's pronounced "Ledasha."

 

When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured it should be pronounced that way, she said, "cause the dash don't be silent!"

 

So, if you see a name come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash.

 

And if anyone ask you why, tell them "It's 'cause the dash don't be silent!"

 

 

Silly Sunday: Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.
 

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
 

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit." 

 

Writer's Post: Stirring The Pot

This weeks Writer's Post topic is "Stirring the Pot." Here is my take on the matter.

Have you ever been cooking when suddenly you have to run to the bathroom? You tell your husband or kids to stir the pot, but do they? Noooo. By the time you're no longer indisposed, the soup has either boiled onto the stove or is crusted on the bottom. When this happens the results are two fold. If you're lucky, you're eating burnt food and scraping the bottom of the pan for an hour or so. But if you're unlucky, three firetrucks come tearing down the street with their sirens screaming and the neighbors peeking out their windows. 

So why is it people never listen to Mom and stir the pot? It's a national tragedy! In fact, I'll bet if you counted the number of times firetrucks–What? What's that you say? Figurative meaning, not literal meaning? 

B*tch!

Silly Sunday: History Lesson

The History of the Middle Finger 

English Archers

  Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). 

 
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.' 

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Here are some interesting tweets on the topic. I'll behave myself and not correct the grammar or spelling.

  The Omg Funny King ‏ @OmgComedy

When i was 5, sticking my tongue out was like giving someone the middle finger.

SensualQuotes♥ ‏ @SensualQuotes

When i'm mad at you, I text you with my middle finger.

  Bam ol' Lady❤ ‏ @RedCake_

My middle finger has too much energy, its been up allllllll day !

Will Ferrel Parody ‏ @FillWerrell

Keep your head up high & your middle finger higher.

  Very Rude Tweets™ ‏ @VeryRudeTweets

My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house. So I did. The middle one.

Dirty Ape ‏ @IngloriousMovz

My middle finger is my power point presentation.

 

  Tootjuh A.K.A Louie ‏ @Tootjuh

Sometimes I gotta let my middle finger do the talking for me!!!"

Silly Sunday: Daddy How Was I Born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'  

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:  

   

"You've got Male!"

Silly Sunday: Bambi Vs. Godzilla

Here's a Silly Sunday flick. Enjoy.

Please visit Rhonda at Laugh Quotes for more fun.

Silly Sunday: Erca Style

This January 29th reminds me of my youngest child who not only turns nineteen today but is also the silliest person I can think of this Sunday.

   

Erica, aka Bear or Erca, loves to snap goofy pictures of herself and post them on my cell phone. She also enjoys playing with my computer's photo shop, or at least she did years ago. One of my favorite shots is when she barged in on my parents' honey moon.

 

Wherever we go, she's great fun to have around, especially when she teams up with her brother to do the college strut. The two of them headed down the sidewalk as if they owned the place. Judy, my middle child, respectfully pretended not to know them as strangers stared. Erica said, "They're looking because they're jealous."

She also once called her brother's cell phone and said, "I'd like a cheese pizza and an order of chicken wings."

He said, "Erca! This is your brother."

Without missing a beat, my baby replied, "Da-nel. When you start working at Papa Johns?"

In case you missed it the first time, here's Erca and Wilberfoss giving a news report.

Don't you wish you could be silly too... or just turning nineteen? Happy Birthday, Erica!