#MM We Were All Young Once

Here's the perfect summer song as a young Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake team up for a funny song sketch at Camp Winnepesawkee. 

Although I must say, when I saw Justin circa 1983 at the Tennessee Teachers' Conference, he was a much cuter (and less nerdy) little boy than the one he's playing in the above sketch. But judge for yourself as you watch young Justin and Ryan Gosling sing as Mousketeers.

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#MM: Rapper's Delight

This is good. LOL!

I've always loved this rap song, but it's 

even better when done by Brian Williams!

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#GBE2: Naughty Can Be Nice

When Santa checks his list, twice, he's looking for folks who have been naughty OR nice, but can't one be both? I'm not saying being naughty is good, just that being bad gives beings super strength, agility, and strong thresholds for pain. Nice! At least that's what I see on TV. For example, take a look at the Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv.

Although these two bad boys are about as naughty as one can get, they've achieved superhuman status that keeps them going even in the direst of circumstances. Nice! After all, who else could withstand a hot iron in the face, being burnt, blown up, tripping on marbles, being struck by paint cans, bricks, and anything else Kevin thrusts their way?

But wait, these two naughties are not the first bad guys who were given superhuman abilities.

Remember Wile E. Coyote? Poor little Road Runner just wants to cruise the highways endlessly, with no place to go, but this sicko won't leave him alone. Naughty! But, being naughty has its advantages. He's fallen off cliffs, been whacked on the head with anvils, and as you see to the left, blown up by TNT. Yet like the Wet Bandits, Wile survives. Nice!

Or how about Moe? Constantly smacking one's brothers doesn't get one on the Nice List, yet these crazy brothers survived it all. Of course Santa still doesn't come to Larry, Moe, and Curly's home because he's an antisemite, but that's another post. Naughty!

So the moral of this story . . .  If you want to be protected from harm, you must be naughty. 

Now that's nice!

Musical Monday: The Clap

Wouldn’t it be fun to have the clap?

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Sorry about missing Thursday's post. I had family in town from NY, to California, to Florida, and many places in between. 

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava’s Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.






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Musical Monday Laughs, Soitenly!

When we saw the new Three Stooges movie on TV, I was reminded of the Curly Shuffle. "Oh, wise guy. Nyuk! Nyuk!" Enjoy this tune by Jump N the Saddle, but also, don't try this at home. When my friend was a toddler learning to walk, he had the rug ripped out from under him-literally–after his brothers watched The Three Stooges. Time out for Mom? Not this way.

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#AtoZ Meets Musical Monday Y for Yankovic Sings YODA

Humor blogger I am, hmm. Now day Y it is so an old favorite by Weird Al Yankovic, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda I present.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

--YODA, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



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Back From The Future

Hosted by Nicki, Suze, and M Pax.

I'm participating in the Back From the Future Blog Hop.

Here are my Instructions:

You're up before dawn on a Saturday when the doorbell rings. You haven't brewed your coffee so you wonder if you imagined the sound. Plonking the half-filled carafe in the sink, you go to the front door and cautiously swing it open. No one there. As you cast your eyes to the ground, you see a parcel addressed to you ... from you.

You scoop it up and haul it inside, sensing something legitimate despite the extreme oddness of the situation. Carefully, you pry it open. Inside is a shoebox -- sent from ten years in the future -- and it's filled with items you have sent yourself.

What's in it?

**∑´®ƒ¥¨ø**

As I look out the window, I spot my neighbor waving from her driveway and heading my way. I open the door to see what she wants.

"I met the future you looking for your house to deliver that package," she points, "but you forgot where you live," she says.

"Do I move in the future?" Not that it would matter since I've lived in my house for twenty-two years.

"No. You're just even more forgetful than you are now."

Great. I thank her, close the door, and open a Stinga shoe box, a future best selling brand that sports "kick me" across the heals. The box reveals a half eaten donut with teeth digging into it. Under the donut clutching teeth is one smiley-face sock with a purple note sticking out of the top.

I snatch the note for a quick read.

Dear Me,

     The 2013 economy is in a rut, so I've included something valuable to help you out. If you look closely at our teeth, you'll find gold fillings in the molars. As for the sock, I couldn't find the mate in 2023, so I figured I'd send it back to see if you have it.

Love,

Me

 

I take the teeth and start for the door, but I forget what I'm supposed to do with them.  Oh well. At least I still have half of a tasty donut. I take a bite only to remember that I stopped eating sugar years ago. Darn! I guess I should give up artificial sweeteners too.

Wordless Wednesday: Meditation

Photo by Bev Gutmann / Caption from Josh Arcus

I sure hope they clean the end of that pole before tomorrow's shift.

Silly Sunday: ⚡Bar Flys⚡

Wonderful artwork by Kevin Smith. Check out his other illustrations at Creative Spark Studio. Kevin designs lots of cool posters, T-shirts, logos, and even photo restorations. Don't worry, he won't destroy priceless paintings of Jesus. ;)

⚡Bar Flys⚡ 

For just $39.99, you can be a fly on the wall and watch your kids consume massive amounts of alcohol, listen  to conversations (she's just a friend, hmm?), and not let them see you blush.

Does your son really pick up half-dressed women with too much eye-liner? 

Is the elastic at the waistline of your daughter's shirt inching upward while the neckline's slipping down?

Find out the answers today by calling 1-800-Bar-Flys. Down one capsule with a pint of beer and off you'll buzz to the twenty-something scene. Plant your hairy legs on a wall to hear and see all for this one time limitted offer. 

With Bar Flys you can be flying into the bar for only $39.99.

Uses
✦temporarily stops Ωβs, ΠϕΔs, and any other fraternity creeps from hitting on your daughter. Ever try successful flirting with a fly repeatedly landing on your nose, ears, or private parts? 
✦also effective to stop son when he acts like Ωβ or ΠϕΔ 
✦provides light buzz

Warnings
Do not use at ball games, plays, or any other event that contains programs. Accidental swatting may be fatal. Overuse of Bar Flys may result in
✦nervousness
✦jittery movements
✦attraction to sugary substances
✦seeing octuple

 Don't drive a motor vehicle or operate machinery when taking Bar Flys. Accidents can occur when drivers lose human dexterity.

"It works! I've grounded my kids for life," -Eves Drop

 Bar Flys! Get it today through this 

 special offer!

1-800-Bar-Flys

And if you act now, we'll throw in one free Car Ant that will allow you to see if that son really stopped texting and driving.

Silly Sunday: Knock Knock Jokes

Would you like a knock knock joke this week?

Okay.

You go first.

 

For more fun, click on the link to 

Knock Knock Jokes.

Theme Thursday: Promises

On my honor,

I will try,

to do my duty,

to God and my country,

to help other people

at all times, 

and to obey the Girl Scout Laws.

We recited that promise before every meeting, yet I doubt if any of us truly knew the meaning of what we were saying. 

Honor means to fulfill an obligation when used in this context, but to a kid it means squat. Kids hear about "Honor Roll," that certificate one gets when achieving high grades, or calling a judge "your honor," but what is "on my honor" to a kid? Is that like sitting on a high bench like a judge or meaning you promise to make high grades. Reciting "On my honor" could have been the same as talking about cadavers–beyond kid vocabulary.

When saying I'd do my duty, I always got a chuckle because it sounded like going doo doo. I wonder if any other Girl Scouts giggled over that one. I never even knew what my duty was, so why promise it?

Doing doo doo to God sounds ominous, whereas Doo doo to my country sounds like I'm gonna fight a war. Yep! Little innocent children carried bombs to soldiers during Vietnam. I'm glad us green skirted girly girls weren't called upon to "do our duty." If we're not talking war time, how does a little girl "do duty to her country?"

"Helping other people" sounds like a keeper phrase, but at all times? What if the adult doesn't want help? What if the little girls just get in the way? Is it really necessary to help other people at all times?

Finally, we promised to obey the Girl Scout laws. What the heck were those laws? I don't think I ever knew.

Since this little promise is pointless, I'm going to present my own.

I promise

to try

to listen to the troop leaders

and not be a brat at meetings,

to help other people when they want my help,

and to learn the Girl Scout Laws. 

Then I'll find the lameness of them too and have more fun.

Silly Sunday: Dear Dr. Laura

Here's a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger that's been circulating the internet since circa May 2000. Unfortunately, the clever author is unknown.

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

Wordless Wednesday: Potato Salad & Men with Plungers

(Wednesday comes earlier and earlier every week. Okay, I'll join your hops!)

I make a mean potato salad. 

After my last post declaring me as a foodie blog, here is a recipe from my cookbook.

I'm not kidding about the man with the plunger. I clog up the sink every darn time I make this dish. ☺

Sorry ladies, this man with a plunger is mine!

#Wordless Wednesday Meets #AtoZ : "Oh, no!"

Here's why I don't automatically kiss boo boos:

Judy and me - 1991

My little girl darted to me while crying, "My Finger." 

Without question, I kissed it--to which she said, "I pee peed on my finger."

Silly Sunday: Teacher Blunder

Time again for Silly Sunday over at Laugh Quotes!

You may wonder what kind of teacher I am. To sum it up, I fit the poem about the girl with the curl in the middle of the forehead. When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm horrid.

Many years ago–first graders who are now fixing to graduate college–I taught a little boy named Aki (pronounced "a key"). The kids rushed into my classroom and said, "Do you want us to get Aki?"

With my brain in the off mode, I said, "What do you need a key for?"

A little girl said, "You know, Aki!"

"A key to what?" I still didn't get it.

This banter went back and forth with me thinking. What did they need to open and why? Finally it hit me. "Ohhh, Aki! Sure."

Of course it could be worse, like the time the secretary shouted over the intercom, "We need Abeer in the office!"

Writer's Post: Celebrate Seeson & Seedaughter

It's December, which means one more week of controlling overly excited grade schoolers who don't wholeheartedly believe in that jolly dude wearing a color that only makes him look fatter. Maybe St. Nicholas should switch his costume to black, since it's slenderizing.    

See how slender Santa looks in black!

The fat guy has been down our chimney once in twenty plus years. He dropped off three Christmas gifts that were addressed to kids with names we didn't recognize. Since we didn't know who these kids were, where to find them, or how to get in touch with the fat man, our kids kept the presents. I hope that was okay.

Santa doesn't celebrate at our house because we're Jewish. Someone once asked how we explained to our kids that Santa is anti-Semitic. However, the kids never saw it that way because we have our own celebration-- Hannukkah, Hanuka, Channakkah, Chanukah. No one knows how to spell it, and many don't know how to pronounce it either.

It's not too different from the other Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat. Chanukkah also means gift giving. My daughter sent me the following e-mail, which I posted on my Facebook page.

 Subject: if someone needs a hanukkah gift for me....

Vintage Sterling Silver Necklace Gold Charm by GiRLStreetVintage

www.etsy.com

In response, my other daughter sent me the following message:

If someone needs a hannukkah gift for me......
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13740099/ns/business-small_business/t/sale-hot-red-ferrari-seller-included/

Notice they each spelled the holiday in a different way.

When it comes to the holidays, I'm happy to see my kids! After all, it's the seeson... and seedaughter! Here's Adam Sandler's take on our holiday.

Writer's Post: Priorities and My Mole

A Beauty Mark!

Pain or surgery 
   When faced with back pain, I saw three docs in hopes one would say, "No surgery needed." Finally, I had the operation, but it was different with my mole. Dr. Dewane wanted it in a jar, so I sat on the surgeon's table.  
   "It's harmless," the surgeon said. 
   "Bye." I hopped off the table.

Red, golden, or dark brown 
   When the price difference is $8 vs. $80, I'll color my own hair; but, it varies from bottle to bottle. Once the hair flamed bright red and matched my face. You get what you pay for. My mole is brown.

Ignorance or bliss 
   The infamous they say, "Ignorance is bliss," but I'd rather be informed. The Occupy Wall Street message needs to be told. Corporations have avoided paying taxes by buying politicians to vote their passions; but this is a humor blog, and that isn't funny. The mole continues to occupy my leg.

Orange juice or something else 
   I grew up drinking orange juice, but it's my least favorite type of juice. I love oranges but drinking its juice doesn't turn me on. I also grew up with a mole on my right calf. It's been there longer than many of my readers have been alive.

Red or white 
   I've never been much of a wine drinker but if given the choice, I'll always choose white--less chance of someone noticing it when I spill it on my shirt. Also, if I were to spill red wine on my mole, someone might mistake it for blood and make me remove it.

Ice cream or frozen yogurt 
   I don't notice a difference. People insist that yogurt is better for you. I like it all the same and will eat whatever. I also like my mole, and I'm not letting some knife holder cut it out, even if he offered me a cold treat.

Terror or comedy films 
   If you've read my blog, you know the answer to this one. For anyone new here, feel free to look around. I dare you not to laugh! No my mole is NOT scary and most posts are not as lame as this one.

Ick another I 
   Have you ever noticed when writing acrostic poems, you always have two of the letter that stumps you? Is that Murphy's Law? I can't even think of an I for the mole because it's not icky.

Elves or dwarfs
   I've never been into fantasy, although I confess, I enjoyed Tolkien's The Hobbit. I got hooked in chapter five when I read, "What has it got in its pocketes?" Usually mine contain a dirty Kleenex; but, it's not dirty from the mole. It's NEVER leaked fluid!

Shot or the flu 
   If you'd have asked me thirty years ago, I would've chosen the flu. Now, I've grown up and take shots like a big girl. I once tore out of a doctor's office to avoid a shot. I was only wearing underwear while multiple nurses chased me.What did they expect from a little seventeen-year-old girl? ☺ Of course when they tried to remove my mole, I ran too.

Silly Sunday: Why Dinosaurs are Extinct

The first senior moment!!!

And that's what happened to the dinosaurs.

Wordless Wednesday: Hypnotist

At the University of Central Florida, these young women were hypnotized. They think they're in love with the wall. Teehee!

Writer's Post on Movies: Rat Race

This week's challenge is to blog about a favorite movie. When it comes to comedy, there is none funnier than Rat Race. This 2001 film contains an all star cast: Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Bates, Cuba Gooding Jr., Breckin Meyer, Amy Smart, Paul Rodriguez and several other big names. If you don't see a familiar face in Rat Race, you don't watch movies.

Although Rat Race is a remake of the 1963 movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, it's even funnier than the original. Multi-millionaire Donald Sinclair (John Cleese) chooses winners from a Vegas slot machine to compete in a race across Nevada to a locker containing a bag with $2,000,000.

Each character has his or her own comedy story which adds to the humor. Here is a clip of Mr. and Mrs. Pear (Jon Lovitz and Kathy Najimy) and kids when they stop at the Barbie museum.

Here's another clip of two brothers Duane Cody (Seth Green) and Blaine Cody (Vince Vieluf) as they find themselves in a bit of trouble on the road. Hysterical but still not their funniest scene in this movie.

And finally, let me share one more short scene with Enrico Pollini (Rowen Atkinson of Mr. Bean fame).

 If you haven't seen Rat Race, go rent it! I dare you not to laugh out loud. You may join the hop by going to http://www.writerspost.net/