From Goalie to Graduate

The Cutest Goalie Ever

In soccer (of futball for you European types) we call them keepers. These are the brave souls that stand in front of a net and ask for a pounding. If that ball happens to miss them, they eagerly jump in front of the bullet to take the full impact. Ouch! This wouldn't be so bad in the powder puff league, but has anyone seen the men play? You couldn't pay me to stand in that goal.

All of my kids played soccer at one time or another, but only my youngest ever played goalie. She was a little tyke who was supposed to stop powder puff balls. Unfortunately, the last time she played keeper, the ball rolled past her because she was on all fours picking flowers. So she doesn't know how to be a goalie, but she does know how to be a graduate. I'm so proud of my baby who just graduated high school with an honors diploma!

My baby's a high school graduate!

Hearing Loss Humor

Earlier this school year, I made the horrid mistake of allowing my boss to know that I hold a bachelor's degree in speech pathology/audiology. This is what I majored in way back when I was a dumb kid who hadn't a clue what to do with my life. With the discovery of my hidden degree, I was granted the job of giving hearing screenings to students in the kindergarten, second, and fourth grades.

Audiometer

The kids lined up outside my door, stepped inside, listened to tones, and moved on. In between classes, I decided to test the audiometer to see if it worked. That dang machine must have been broken because I couldn't hear a thing. Maybe it was related to my turning the TV up too loud (according to my husband) or blushing when someone said something benign like, "I need a Bic."

Needless to say, I set up an appointment with an ENT and had a hearing test. I'm not deaf enough to stick annoying plastic things in my ears, but I'm a bit at a loss. However, my hearing defect is atypical, and why wouldn't it be? Most people who lose hearing with age or rock music find the upper tones wiped out. My high and low tones are fine. I have a bilateral dip right in the middle--1,000 hertz. Of course, this is the pitch for speech. So I hear plenty, I just don't always understand.

The doctor said that this type of loss is hereditary. My daughter gave me a silent FU. That's okay, I couldn't hear her anyway.

Let me leave you with a fun clip about the Empty Nest and hearing loss. http://comedians.jokes.com/bill-engvall/videos/bill-engvall---empty-nest/

I Still Have It - A Scap of Toilet Paper

Do you have any worthless possessions? These are the items that have no value but mean something to you. As the title suggests, I have tucked away a plain scrap of toilet paper in one of my books. I'm sure you're asking what any logical person would ask: Why haven't you flushed it? Anyone who went to sleep-away camp as a kid, would understand this oddity.

Back in the days of no gray hair and a skinny life-filled body, I spent my summers at a camp in Zionsville, Indiana. Today they call it Gucci but in my days, it was UCI. This is a Jewish camp with month long sessions filled with fun and sports. We lived in packed cabins with a group of girls that we grew extremely close too. We also got to know the boys quite well when we'd flirt with them during our day activities.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. For me, that was camp. The last night of camp, everyone stayed up all night crying and hugging because we didn't want to go back to our awful and abusive homes. Not really, but one would think that the way we boo hooed. Anyway, that last night of camp, I wailed with everyone else while carrying around my diminishing roll of toilet paper.

One of my friends grabbed my toilet paper and scribbled a message on it: Cheer up. We all love you. Simple, plain, to the point; and yes, I still have it.