Quagmire - Move over Moonglompers!

Quagmire

Kurt Vonnegut introduced us to Diana Moon Glampers—the ugliest, stupidest, and meanest women on Earth—who often made cameo appearances in several of his novels. My favorite role of Diana’s was as the button pushing general who would scramble the thoughts of intelligent people by causing plane wreck noises in their ears. If you’ve never read Vonnegut’s short story, “Harrison Bergeron,” check it out.

Although Diana is mean, stupid and ugly, Quagmire beats her at being the most disgusting person known to fiction (giggity giggity goo). This Family Guy neighbor has a mind geared totally to sex and abusing woman.  I'd like to slap him then throw him in jail. Even his name means an awkward, complex, or hazardous situation. That's the man. He's the sort of moron that makes one thank the lord he's fiction and hope a real life creep like Quagmire stays out of one's neighborhood. Every thought he has is about sex. He will take the most benign situation and relate it to, you guessed it, sex. Gross. If you haven't met this fictional character, consider yourself blessed. If you haven't met a real life Quagmire, that's even better!

Running

After eating a disgusting glob of fat, calories, and carbs on Mother's Day, I need to get back to running. I'm a long time seasonal runner who takes up the sport when it's convenient or a group opportunity arrives. This usually happens in the summer and fall. This summer, I will once again start the Road Race Series. The event, that is filled with super jocks, begins in mid July with races every two weeks that get longer as we go.

"Fall" Running Photo

If all goes well and I've made it to every race, I'll drop out after the 10K. In order to get a cool prize, I must complete six races, and that is good enough for me. Unfortunately, life usually keeps me from completing my six races before they get too lengthy. Last year, I missed a race and had to run 10 "fun" miles. But fortunately, I only had to do that once. The rest of the athletes will do this twice and run the most boring half marathon course known to human kind. I did it once and swore I'd never run it again. It's a straight route up a barren highway and back. Maybe some road kill could help the interest level along the course, but unfortunately, it's against Tennessee law to take road kill home and eat it unless you actually kill the vermin. Daggumit! How else could we get cheap meat?

Come fall, I'll further my running adventures by joining the women's running series. I'll meet with the intermediate group once a week, and we'll run a few miles every Monday night. So being May, I guess it's time to dust off the running shoes and prepare to lag behind the rabbits (runners not road kill).

Speaking of animals, have you seen the movie, Jumanji? When running, I often think of the panting hippo at the back of the stampede. Yep! That would be moi; but, I figure running behind the pack beats snoozing on the sofa. Although someone once told me it is better to be like an elephant than a fly. The elephant moves slowly and lives a long time, while the hyper fly zips around the window and is dead by morning. Personally, I wouldn't want to be either . . . nor do I want to be the hippo from Jumanji, but that's life in the runner's world.

Stylish Blogger Award

I was given a Stylish Blogger Award  from Rhonda several weeks ago, but I'm just now getting around to taking it.  Having Style is new for me!  I never really considered the humor genre to be elegant but maybe I make it that way. ;)  Then yesterday she gave me the Versatile Blogger Award. I guess if I can have style, I must be versatile too. The awards have the same rules, so I'm awarding them together to some wonderful bloggers. You may choose the one that fits you best or have them both because I'm giving them to those on the list below.

                                 ♥ Thank You Rhonda at http://www.laugh-quotes.com

With these awards come a set of rules. Rhonda and I are not crazy about rules, but here they are:

1. Thank and link back to the person giving you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 10-15 blogs you think deserve this award.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know about the award.

Here's my seven "things" in case you're interested:

• I love to write for children.
• I'm currently working on my fifth kidlit novel.
• I have a story published in this month's issue of AppleSeeds magazine.
• I have queried and am hoping for more gigs.
• I am currently enrolled in my second course at the Institute of Children's Literature.
• My all time favorite authors are Gordan Kormen and Margaret Peterson Haddix.
• I am an active member of the Midsouth chapter of SCBWI.

Here are some wonderful blogs that deserve the Stylish & Versatile Blogger Awards:

Anna at Green Talk http://www.green-talk.com

Shelli's  at Market My Words http://www.faeriality.blogs.com
Christina at Hungry Meets Healthy http://www.hungrymeetshealthy.com
Crazy Mommy at Evil Eyebrows and Other Oddities www.evileyebrows.blogspot.com
Talli at Talli Roland http://talliroland.blogspot.com
Aimee at Seeking the Write Life http://www.aimeelsalter.com
Debbie at Inkygirl http://inkygirl.com
Pamo at Pamo Blog http://pamoblog.blogspot.com
Karen at Following the Whispers http://karenfollowingthewhispers.blogspot.com

The Humor Smith http://www.humorsmith.com

Quirky Loon http://www.quirkyloon.com
Jodi at Rants "N Rascals http://www.rantsnrascals.com
The Chronicals of Rico and Regular Appearances From...  http://ricoswaff.com


Please check them out.

Teacher's Curse

We've all heard of the mother's curse, "I hope one day you have a kid who acts just like you," but did you know there is also a teacher's curse? Although most of my students have liked me, I certainly would not be so vain as to claim that I've pleased all of them. In fact, I had one little stinker years ago who absolutely despised me.

I'm not sure what I ever did to make her hate me so much. Perhaps it had to do with her having problems with her mother, who I was friendly with, or maybe it was that she was so gifted that I struggled to meet her needs. Whatever the mystery reason, this girl had it out for me unlike any student I've ever taught.

Now you might be thinking, No. She didn't really hate you, you just think she did, but I assure you, this child hated me enough that I had multiple conversations with her parents about how she hated me and the mystery as to why. Even her siblings would go out of their way to be kind to me just to aggravate her. She was also a sly one who was usually passively aggressive in class just enough to bend the rules without breaking them. For example, she once asked me if the dress I was wearing was one I'd worn when I was pregnant. She knew what she was doing!

I don't see most of my students outside of class, but her family tended to run in the same circles as us, so I was always and forever running into her around town. When seeing me outside of school, she would literally fling her nose in the air and walk by, no matter how her parents tried to persuade her to say, "Hello."

I ran into this beautiful, young woman about a year ago. Although she took my order at Starbucks, I didn't recognized her. She told me who she was and wanted to know how I was doing. Plus, she acknowledged and apologized for having been a nasty child. She went on to tell me how she too is now a teacher. She teaches math at an inner city high school. Knowing about her teaching situation, I really didn't need to place a curse on her. I'm sure she gets much worse than she gave me. What goes around comes around. I do, however, wish her the best.

Under Visited Posts

If you're a blogger, you know the post. It's that one you spent multiple brain cells developing and when written you thought, this is pretty darn good. Then you posted it and hardly anyone came by for a visit. Maybe it had a bad title, topic, or timing. Who knows? But I have a few favorites that I'd like to re-post to see if they can find new life.

So here are five of my personal faves that are not currently on my top ten list. In fact, only The Eighth Wonder of the World was ever on my top ten more popular post list. Just click on the link to revisit if you missed the post the first time around, and if you are interested.

That Closet Did It to My Clothes Again! #AtoZ

Empty Nest #AtoZ

 

The Eighth Wonder of the World

I'm Going To Be A Millionaire!

 

Trivia Night at Kickin' Chicken'

 

 

Vaseline

You know the stuff! Petroleum jelly. Thick gooey blobs of grease that could be a fun horror movie special affect with a little red food coloring. With a name like "Petroleum jelly," one has to wonder where this stuff comes from. Is there a petroleum plant, run off from gasoline, or what?

Vaseline

Looking at Wikipedia, petroleum jelly is a semi-solid mixture of hydrocarbons with a melting point of about 167˚. Now I don't know about you, but I never tried to melt Vaseline. I mean if you coat your logs in Vaseline then stick them in the fire, will they burn longer? Purer? Send off healing products into the air?

The article goes on to report that Vaseline is tasteless. Thank God they told me that! I was going to spread it on my toast this morning. Also, Vaseline has no known healing effects, but rather works as a Bandaid to keep germs out. What do you use Vaseline for? On second thought, I don't want to know!

XX - The Sex

For those of you who clicked because you saw the three letter word above, get your minds out of the gutter and accept that my post is about females. Men like to call us weak, and us women let those goofballs believe it as we cleverly outsmart our male counterparts. After all, we have an extra leg of chromosome.

Remember the scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the women manipulated the man into coming up with their idea because after all, "men are smart." But that's just a movie. What about real life male smarts? I bet you don't see many women grabbing their cameras and heading out to photograph a real live tornado when the sirens go off.

I'll never forget college when a good friend had a serious problem and needed my help. He had a hole in his sock, and not one guy in his fraternity knew how to fix it. He wanted me to show him how to darn a sock. It ain't rocket science! And then there's the young man who wanted to heat a can of soup. He lit the burner and put the can on top. Nearly set the place on fire.

So when you're thinking about the intelligent sex, think females - but please don't think of Sarah Palin.

Yours: That's Succinctly Yours - The Old Chair

Grandma Goulash's Weekend Writer's Retreat

I've been challenged to write about this chair. Well, okay. I've written about sea shells, dragons, and dandruff, so surely I can come up with a word or two about a chair--from the chair's point of view. Why not?

What are you looking at? Oh, yeah. I forgot that I have gorgeous scenery out my window. Not that I ever get to look at it. Behind is my magic word. The sea is behind me. You think I ever get to hear the movement of the water or feel the wind against my velvet. All I get is a smelly behind on top of me, and these people aren't lightweights either. In fact, my velvet used to be yellow but I became so flustered from the fat gal, that I turned as orange as an Oompa Loompa. Yet I'm supposed to look pretty and pretend that I don't have the worst job in the house. 


Flush! Err, uh, correction--the second worst job in the house.

 

Click on this icon to see the Grandma Goulash's picture challenge and hop onto other pages.

Zowwy! Here We Go Again.

I just finished the A-Z April Blogging challenge, and now I've signed up for the Z-A in May. What am I nuts? I guess I just need a little direction on what to write about . . . and zowwy, maybe a little time to figure out my posts. Stick with me, and I'll figure this out along the way. Even though May is the longest month of the year--just ask any teacher--I'm going to stay awake and make this blog challenge happen with zest!

Here We Go Again!

I thoroughly enjoyed the A-Z Challenge. During the month of April, I picked up a lot of new followers, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how many. Maybe between 75-100. I surprised myself in how I was able to keep up with it and come up with original topics for each letter. I enjoyed the challenge so much that here we go again. I signed up for this new Z-A Challenge at: 

 http://www.writewrongorindifferent.com. Why don't you come join me?

Cetus the Whale (Six Sentence Sunday)

Here's another six sentences from Being Bompsy Carleffa, my unpublished YA manuscript for the Six Sentence Sunday at http://www.sixsunday.blogspot.com. After Ben's kidnapping by the mob, Sarah and Austin are searching for him by studying clues from the internet.

            “During study hall, I conducted further research on the Carleffas.” Austin looked like he’d discovered a cure for Cancer or better yet, found Ben. “They’re worth sixteen billion dollars—claimed money anyway; they probably have more hidden in overseas accounts since their accountant’s a crook with a criminal record as long as Cetus the Whale.”

            “Long as who?”

            “Huge constellation with a M77 that has an active galactic nucleus,” Austin said.

            Since I didn’t speak nerd, I had no clue what he was babbling about, but that didn’t stop Austin from continuing in his excitement.

Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts #AtoZ

If I ever wish to get published, I guess I need to spend less time blogging and more time working on my manuscript, "Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts." I was inspired to write this book from Halloween memories as a kid. My mother had repeatedly told me not to eat ANYTHING unwrapped. Being ridiculously  obedient, each year I skipped gooey pieces of grease on a plate of powdered sugar. Boy was I a dumb kid!

Years later my mom said, "Well, you could have eaten something unwrapped from Mrs. Zimmerman."

Why didn't you tell me that sooner, Mom? Since it's too late for me to go back and down a donut--having moved to another city and given up sugar--I invented a character named Knob. He wears a buzz cut that makes his head look like a door knob. Unlike me, Knob has a wild Mohawk wearing buddy who will teach him how to break the rules with style.

I hope one day you'll be able to visit your local bookstore and pick up a copy of "Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts." Until then, read my blog.

Thanks for sticking around for the AtoZ Challenge. Tomorrow I will be participating in the six sentence Sunday. Now what am I supposed to write about throughout the rest of May? Please come back because I know I'll figure something out.