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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous and Helpful Thoughts About Teaching / Educational Resources for Your Classroom / Music and Random Fun"

Friday, April 29, 2011

Real Life YoYos #AtoZ


Being 2011, finding yoyos is much easier with Al Gore's invention of the internet. All you have to do is go to YouTube and search, "The People of Walmart." So maybe after viewing those photos, what I saw wasn't that odd, but still, these strangers remain ingrained in my memory.

My family took a vacation to Chicago when I was a little tyke, and we saw some oddities walking down the street as if nothing was unusual about them. A man had a faucet stuck to his head and I embellished this scene in my writing. I combined the scene with the stranger on the Paris subway who leaned over passengers, flapped his hands like he was dog paddling, and said, "Awook!" No, I didn't make this up. The truth is stranger than fiction. But, I did make up the flash fiction story which I've placed at the end of this post.

I have yet to find a story for the man with feathers sticking out of his hat or Dracula, the man who shared a train with my daughter. But fear not. I'm a writer, so these individuals will make their way into my fiction because a yoyo is worth preserving!

I can't believe tomorrow's post is for the letter Z! This month went fast. Please tune in as I discuss my work in progress (WIP) called Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts. And finally, if you're interested, here's Faucet Head.



Faucet Head

     A scraggy man with a faucet stuck to his forehead pulled his Harley  into the reststop, while Alanna poked at the busted drinking fountain. Standing behind her, he flipped his hands like a dog paddling through a crusty pond. The stranger, reeking of dead fish, leaned over her shoulder and said, “Awook!”


      Alanna calmly stroked her dry throat and reached for the stranger's forehead. “Mind if I get water?”

       “Aw-oo-ook!" He leaped back. "This thing ain't got no water. You turn that dang crank, and me brains is falling out.”

      “It's ninety degrees, and every fountain's broken."



      “Sorry. Cain't help. Stingy plumber want two-hundred-dollars to fix me head."

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

X Marks the Spot #AtoZ


X marks the spot with a dot and a dot
and a dash and a dash,
and a great big question mark.
With pinches and squeezes and cool summer breezes,
and a knife in your back.
 Blood rushes down
and spirits rising up. 
Boo!

The letter X (Alias unknown)
How many of you chanted this stupid, sadistic rhyme on your friend's back as a child or had it done to you? Who writes this stuff anyway? It's kinda creepy having someone fist your back and call it a knife. Wouldn't it be better to rake invisible leaves or something? Or how about a good old fashion back rub? If you have to write poetry with the back rub, maybe you could quote Charlie Sheen on your back saying something profound like, "Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh." Uh, maybe not.

Here is my new and improved version of X Marks the Spot. If you don't like it, WRITE YOUR OWN!

X draws a line
With a vine and a vine
and a great wiggly scratch.
With fingernails while you yak
but don't "cool breeze" slobber on my back! 
With a palm on the shoulder
Not too hard, I'm getting older.
And forget the spirits because that's just plain weird.


If I can write a post for X, I can write anything. See you tomorrow when we explore real life yoyos (That's slang for foolish people). 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Wilberfoss #AtoZ


No. My son's name is not really Wilberfoss. At least that's not the name we gave him at birth.

Not his Birth Name/ Not his Actual Photo
It all started when Facebook circulated a "Rate Your Parents" app that was good for a few laughs. By clicking the allow button, Facebook would analyze your name, tally how many folks from the year you were born were given the same name, and give your parents a score (A-F) on how creative they were in the naming process. So Daniel, the child with the eighth most popular name from the year he was born, decided to rate his parents, AKA us.

Next I knew, he participated then sent me a Facebook message, "Mama! You got an F."

I replied, "Studies show that kids with more common names are better accepted in society."

"Studies show you got an F."

Fine. Daniel wants a creative name, I'd find him one. I searched name sites to see what I could discover. Then I added my own unique twist to the name "Wilbur." Viola, Wilberfoss!

"You want a creative name. Okay, son. From now on your name is Wilberfoss."

Daniel, err Wilberfoss, changed his Facebook name and we received an A+! All would be great except Facebook refused to allow him to change his name back to Daniel. So, almost two years later, my son is still named Wilberfoss. Even some of his friends have started to call him by that A+ name.

That should teach him to complain.

Tune in tomorrow for the letter X. Now what am I supposed to do with the letter X?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

V is for Vic #AtoZ

Vic, my husband's goofy friend, is always good for a laugh (but usually they're of the dirty variety). His  poor wife has been trying to lose 170 pounds for years, but he still hangs around. He'd drive me to drink, but this woman is a saint through all his "take my wife, please take my wife jokes." If she didn't laugh along, she'd probably slug him.

On New Year's Eve, Vic reported that 30% of New Year's Eve accidents involve alcohol. If that's the case, 70% do not involve liquor, so we have a better chance of getting home safely if we drink. Most recently he told my husband that our daughter didn't need to bring her checkbook with her to Prague. After all, there are plenty of Cheks there. Pretty funny, Vic.

The most outrageous Vic-ism happened on his fiftieth birthday party. He had it at McDonalds! Each of us received a Happy Meal complete with a toy of the boy or girl variety. He had balloons, streamers, and even a clown performing magic tricks. Although it's been a few years since his party, I still remember the double takes from those passing by. I could actually read their minds. They'd pass by, spot the balloon, think it was a five at first, then double take when they realized it said, "Fifty." Only Vic!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Uncle Pancreas #AtoZ #atozchallenge




I love teaching gifted kids because they have a sense of humor unlike the kind one would find in children from a regular classroom. Years back, my students wrote and acted in a play that had the adults in the audience rolled over in stitches while most children thought the skit was "stupid." My young Einsteins  obviously hit upon adult humor that was so far over the heads of the normal sixth grade class, that age peers didn't enjoy it. Only one kid in the class found their skit funny. He was the child on my referral list who I placed a few weeks later. Yep! I knew this student was gifted when I saw him chuckling with the adults.

To illustrate some quick wit from gifted students, here is a recap of a scene that took place in one of my classes some time back.


circa 2000: Intellectually Gifted kids provide interesting material. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

     "February means Black History Month, so here's a game of Jeopardy to test your knowledge of famous African Americans." I divided the class into teams. 

     Meredith upped the interesting factor of our game when she said, "Politicians for fifty."

     I flipped the card and read, "This General currently serves as Secretary of State."

     "Who is Collin Powell?"

Call Me Uncle Pancreas!
     "The name is Colin!" Jason snapped.

     "Uh, gross. I don't like names that sound like body parts, so I'm calling him Collin."

     "Really? Why don't you like body part names?" Jason said. "I have an Uncle Pancreas."

Tune in tomorrow for the letter V, which is all about Vic (one of the funniest guys I know).

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Eat Your Gestapo (Six Sentence Sunday)

As part of Six Sentence Sunday, http://www.sixsunday.blogspot.com, I've been challenged to post six lines of writing today. These six lines are from my unpublished novel, Being Bompsy Carleffa. Ben and Fiso, the crime boss father who Ben had just met, have a bit of a communication breakdown at the dinner table. I've edited my work from its original version to fit the six sentence challenge.


            After Gil placed a tomato-base soup in front of each of us, I blew on the spoon and took a sip of cold liquid. All this money, and these people couldn’t heat the food.
            “Do you like the gazpacho?” Fiso asked.
            I dropped my spoon on the table and wondered why he'd mention the Gestapo? What was he, a modern day Nazi? Sick; this guy’s really sick!

Thanks for tuning in. I'll catch you on Monday when I explore the letter U and Uncle Pancreas!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Taunting Siblings #AtoZ

Most people know that the majority of U.S. presidents were first born children, but I bet you didn't know that most comedians were born last. So, since I'm four positions down from the presidency, I guess I'll continue to write my humor blog. Today's post features those taunting siblings that I'm lucky enough to have grown up with.

Sweet, Defenseless, Little Girl 
Being Viciously Attacked by Older Sibling
Being the baby of the family had it's pros and cons. On the bright side, no one made me wear dresses to school everyday while insisting I was too young to shave my legs. Also, I didn't have to beg, pray, or bake a German Chocolate Cake to get my ears pierced. I simply asked once and went to a gynecologist to get it done. You read that right. Twelve year old me sitting among the pregnant women and taking in evil glances from assuming folks. I also got to go to camp, France, and anywhere else I wanted because my sibs had broken in my parents big time.

On the negative side, I wore a powder-blue, polyester gym suit that said, "BEP" on the front because $7.00 was too much to pay for a pretty red one with my own initials. Plus, four positions down the birth order meant I had to search hard to find the one accomplishment that no one had done before. Would you believe I found it in sports? How original! But worst of all, everyone remembers all my little kid embarrassments, but I have nothing on them! Except the ability to report their various abuses.

Don't Look Up, Barb!
 Barb used to pay me 20¢ to go to the A & P store after school everyday. I'd buy one candy bar for her and get whatever I wanted for myself. After five years of that, we both weighed in at a whopping 470 pounds, but boy was that chocolate great! As for taunting me, she wasn't totally innocent either. She once backed me into a corner with a whip she'd won at the carnival. It's okay. After I fetched her a bone in my mouth, she left me alone.

Look at those red tights!
As for Bev, she reads my blog so I shouldn't tell you how she pinched one of my boobs and told me that it would be smaller than the other one. Thanks to Bev, I have to special order all my bras. One side's an A while the other is a Double D. Dang! Dang! Why'd she pinch me? She used to love to push my gullible button too. In fact, she told me she was going to give me a shot and pulled out a bottle of alcohol. That's okay too. I simply fainted and Mom screamed, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?"

Even though these three have sometimes caused me grief, I feel sorry for only children who never learn how to be good fighters. So this one's dedicated to those taunting siblings. How did your sibs torture you?

I'll see you tomorrow when I participate in the Six Sentence Sunday challenge. http://www.sixsunday.blogspot.com

Friday, April 22, 2011

Snowdruff #AtoZ #atozchallenge

"Making Snow" By, Erica Lansky
I don't like to poke fun at my students, but one former pupil's antics are just too good not to write about. The young man came charging to the teachers with an excitement in his voice that can only be heard in children. "I can make it snow!" he said.

And snow it did. The boy leaned over the pavement and scratched his head causing multiple flakes to fall onto the ground. After he produced a heavy snow storm, a crowd of children gathered around him to see if they too could make it "snow." But alas, no one else's hair was quite that snowy.

For your video enjoyment, here's a clip from the Breakfast Club. Watch Ally Sheedy make it snow!




Tune in tomorrow for the letter T = "Taunting Siblings."






Thursday, April 21, 2011

Roommates: The Good, The Bad, and The Funny #AtoZ

When a kid goes off to college for the first time, there's no telling what one will find in a roommate. They could be placed with my first roommate, a junior whose parents couldn't afford to get her a single, so she pretended to live alone by ignoring me, or my daughter's first: Miss I-Know-This-Room-Set-Up-Gives-Me-More-Space-Than-You-But-I-LIKE-IT. This spoiled brat placed her bed in the center of the tiny room and refused to move it until my daughter did the same with her bed, thus blocking all floor space in the room. To get to the other side, you pole vault! By the time they parted, the relationship had escalated to rabid shouting matches.

Then there's the disaster when my poor 19 year-old niece had a bizarre 32 year-old placed in her suite. "Mom" was into everyone's business, except her own.

Out of all my roommates, one of my best and most memorable was Rhonda. You can meet her at http://www.laugh-quotes.com and just imagine how much fun we had living together. I already told you about the present I gave her (P post), but I bet most don't know about how she inspired me to write an outstanding paper for my English class.

The teacher had assigned us to complete a "how to" paper where we gave details on how to do something. At first I was torn about what to write, so Rhonda and I brainstormed various "how to" topics. Rhonda came up with the idea of "How to be a slob?"

I said, "Well, Rhonda, you're so good at it, why don't you tell me?"

She said, "I'll do better than that, I'll show you."

Next I knew, Rhonda and I were in each others drawers throwing each others clothing into the air and covering our floor with various objects. A crowd had gathered outside our room staring at "Girls Gone Mad." As we laughed hysterically people asked, "What are they doing?"

Needless to say, I wrote a great paper on "How To Be A Slob." I think I even got an A. Thanks, Rhonda!

Of course one poor sock, never found its mate, so we tacked it to the wall with a wanted poster:


WANTED
 One Mate
Must be blue, single or unattached.
Holey socks need not apply.
 



I think it went to its grave without a partner. :(

Please check Rhonda's blog out at http://www.laugh-quotes.com. She's hysterical! And tune in tomorrow for letter S. You just might learn how to make it snow in warm weather.




Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Quintessential Husband #AtoZ

 I have a quintessential husband. For those who aren't familiar with the word:

quintessential |ˌkwintəˈsen ch əl|
adjective
representing the most perfect or typical example of a quality or class


That's Mitchell! I married him almost a Quarter of a century ago and along with the man, I've acquired a magic sink. I put dirty dishes in it, and they come out clean. I've found this same magical quality sometimes happens in the laundry room too. The dogs get fed and the trash cans emptied. Not only is this amazing, but it's also making me a lazy wife. 


Quintessential
Not only does he do these mundane chores, but he also pays our bills, taxes, and keeps us all organized about what needs to be accomplished and when. He's better than a date book and an alarm clock! When I need to get up, he sets the alarm and is sure to nudge me if I'm not moving. I'm not even sure how to operate any gadgets around the house or my life, for that matter.

He's cute too. Mitchell gets up early every morning and runs, bikes, swims, or something to maintain his quintessential physique. Plus, he gives a great back rub! I really don't deserve him.  

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Peculiar Presents #AtoZ

The infamous "they" has always stated that it's better to give than to receive. I tend to agree with this because I've often had more fun in the planning and giving of presents than in actually getting them. My daughter Erica has also enjoyed gift giving adventures as demonstrated a few years ago when she and her two buddies gave Ben a gift of 520, er 517 pieces of bubble gum. They purchased a huge tub, opened it, each snatched a piece of gum out of the container, and corrected the amount with a Sharpie pen.

Rhonda's Blog - It's pretty darn funny!
My favorite gift giving experience happened back in college with my former roommate Rhonda author of http://www.laugh-quotes.com. She had a crush on a ZBT pledge who she had never actually met, and I snatched the opportunity to buy him for her at the fund raising pledge auction. I secured him for the bargain price of $5, placed a bow on top of his head, and sat him on her bed. Then I told Rhonda, "I have a present for you. It's on your bed."
Owner of Brahmas Pro Ice Hockey Team? 
Uh, er, Sorry Sir.

Can you spell a-w-k-w-a-r-d? That it was at first, and she wasn't letting me leave her with this one. So Mr. Cute Slave painted her nails and I can't remember what else. It was the eighties, and we were a lot milder with our slaves back then.

She got over her anger when she formed a friendship with the young man, and he asked her to the ZBT formal, but the slave purchase never went any further than that. I am glad to say that Rhonda has a wonderful husband and is happily blogging from New Zealand. http://www.laugh-quotes.com

And once the sun goes down, I'm ready to observe another thing that starts with the letter P- Passover. If you celebrate it, have a good one! 

This was only one of our many college adventures. I'll share another one in a couple of days for the letter R - Roommates; but, between now and then, we have a big, fat Q.