Silly Sunday: Dear Dr. Laura

Here's a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger that's been circulating the internet since circa May 2000. Unfortunately, the clever author is unknown.

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

Theme Thursday: Recollections of a Runner

As I watch the Olympic track stars, I recall my brief brush with victory in an elementary school field day foot race. We gathered at the start of the cross country course at Shaw Park while the gym teacher pointed to the various trees we were to pass. As an active listener, I took careful note of the course then quickly fell into my usual spot of DFL. (For those who are not runners, DFL stands for D%mn  F*cking  Last).

As the race progressed, I didn't understand why all the other kids were sprinting to the wrong tree. The PE teacher clearly showed us the course, but the girls weren't running it, so I hot footed it to the tree as instructed earlier.

Apparently, the adult at one tree didn't listen as well as I had. He told the lead runner to head to the wrong tree and all the athletes followed her... except for me. I found myself in the lead when the others had to backtrack to the tree they'd skipped. Unfortunately my lack of running skill didn't hold up on a steep hill right before the finish line. The former lead runner, a true athlete, passed me and took first. But hey, I received a second place red ribbon which is more than I'd ever gotten in my turtle-like existence.

In 1972, Dave Wottle was not the only runner to win after starting out in last place!

                                                                                                

Wordless Wednesday: Water Proof Raincoats

Wow! 

These raincoats are waterproof!

#GBE2: Hidden

He opened a box of Mott's Fruit roll ups only to find one Market Pantry pack hiding inside. How does one find a competing Target brand hidden in a sealed package? We didn't even buy the product at a Target store.

Here's my theory: Market Pantry, a Target brand, sells for a lot less than name brand items. Perhaps it's a shrewd marketing trick. Someone tiptoed into the Motts' plant and hid their employer's off brand product in the name brand box. If the consumer eats the Market Pantry brand and finds that it tastes the same or better than the name brand, next time, he or she will switch to the generic product.

I have to wonder how this spy got into the factory. Has this been done before? Ie., Dear Readers, How many of you have ever found an off brand addition hidden in a name brand box? Is this legal?

Or... Maybe it's just a kid playing a prank while visiting his parent's factory.

Silly Sunday: Looking Old

When a lady visits a new doctor, she recognizes his name as being the same as someone she'd gone to school with; however, this man looks much too old to be the fellow from her class. After much careful consideration, she says, "I think you were in my class."

To which the man replies, "Oh, really. What did you teach?"

Here's a funny clip about a prank on the young whipper snappers.

                                               

                                                                               

                                                                             

Theme Thursday: Confusing

Unplugged

Maybe I shouldn't admit my Beverly Hillbillies moment. After all, everyone occasionally hears odd beeps or settling in a home. Sometimes these noises can get downright annoying such as the weather radio, that I simply unplug when it buzzes nonstop. Okay, okay, I heard the beeping signaling a storm coming. Now shut up already! My husband gets aggravated at me for unplugging the thing, but at least I'm not running outside with my camera, like someone else I know.

Sometimes we hear a shuffling sound in the walls. It's those stupid squirrels who moved into our attic. They don't even pay rent! 

Anyone want to buy a squirrel?

                                                                           

The thing about weather radios and squirrels is they aren't confusing. After all, I know exactly what makes them disturb the peace. Confusing was that occasional beep coming somewhere from the kitchen. Every now and then, I'd hear it and wonder. Finally, I made a comment to my husband, "What is that?"                                                    

                                                                           

Mitchell laughed and laughed. It was my new phone. It meant I'd gotten a text message.           

                                                                          

Well gahlly! How is ah supposin' to know that? 

I tain't never had no smart gizmo befores.

                                                                            

It takes several episodes for Jed and company to figure out where "thet music is a-comin' from" whenever somebody rings their doorbell.

                                                                              

Wordless Wednesday: Sign

With the doctors having a better lot, who else is going to park here? Nothing else is around. The sign must be to stop those trying to exercise by hiking two blocks to the shopping center rather than park in that free lot. If people work out, they might get better and not need doctors. Selfish jerks!

Note to the humor impaired: I'm kidding!

#GBE2: Unexpected

I love the unexpected in film, whether it's a nerd in the shower or finding a golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. These are the little things that make movies worth watching because who wants to see the expected?

 As a youngster, my family visited a quaint little park called Dog Patch USA, located in the Missouri Ozarks. This closed theme park was based on the L'il Abner comic strip and had a cute hillbilly charm about it. I don't remember much at my young age, but I'll never forget the unexpected when opening the door to the men's restroom. I would have used the ladies' room, but a sign told me it was out of order. When I opened the door, a deep voiced man sitting on the pot screamed, "Close the dang door! Doesn't anyone have any decency around here?" Turns out the unexpected man was a statue with a taped message sure to scare the pee out of anyone looking for a restroom. So Dogpatch!

Years later, I remember the unexpected in college. I don't know why the full length poster of George Michael hanging in my room was unexpected because I'm the one who taped it to the dang wall to begin with; however, he scared the begeeze out of me when I spied him standing over my bed in the middle of the night. Little did I know back in the eighties, that handsome man star would have been more interested in my husband than me. Double unexpected.

Now-a-days, the unexpected usually means something bad like the handle falling off the microwave, a tick on the dog, or most recently, a 95 year old man smashing my car door while I shopped inside the target. It's not a good sign to hear over the store speaker, "Will the owner of a black, Volkswagon convertible please come to the service desk?"

It's been two weeks and we're still driving the rental car and waiting for the repairs to be complete. Should it be expected to be without my car for so long? I don't think so. Unexpected was fun as a kid. Now, not so much.

Silly Sunday: Newspaper Headlines

After seeing a headline that made me laugh, I wondered what other ones were out there that could make for good silliness on a Sunday. There are plenty!

I've seen her look better.

Shocker!

I could actually see my city doing this.

Gotta love the obvious.

Good job!

It's Kenny!

How did that happen?

I could hear a kid saying that.

Never make "belittling" remarks to a midget.

And finally, here is the headline that had me laughing hysterically.

The guy can't even be a tourist without making an idiot of himself. I apologize to my British friends for his many gaffs and insults to your country. And I understand our Mid East allies now need an apology too after his visit to Israel. Can you say "Diplomacy FAIL?"

Theme Thursday: Connections

Will be published Feb. 2013

Today I visited the place where connections are made. I waited an hour to be a part of the connection, but that hour went fast because I had Ruta Sepetys' new book "Out of the Easy" about the daughter of a prostitute struggling to escape the New Orleans under world. Although I'm not quite halfway finished, it's already proving to be as amazing as her first book, "Between Shades of Gray." I'm back to revise because of the constant comments about this post, that has nothing to do with the book "Fifty Shades of Gray." Ruta Sepetys did NOT write a sex book. She wrote a young adult historical novel "Between Shades of Gray" that also made the New York Times best seller list. It's about Stalin, not sexual bondage. Yes, I've made a connection with Ruta's book, but that's not the connection I was waiting for.

Finally they brought me into the back office and fitted me into a stunning blue dress. Then the fun began! I placed a part of my anatomy between two plastic plates and finally the two pieces connected with a flat me inside. Until next year...

What are you looking down here for? A picture of me in the machine? Dream on. This is not that kind of humor blog.

Wordless Wednesday: Cousin Katie's Super Heroes

My cousin Katie's baby is Spiderman.

 

She is expecting baby #2.

 Will it be:

a boy?

or

a girl? 

Either way, the baby will be super!

#GBE2: Breathless or Breathmore?

What in life has left you breathless? If something did leave you breathless, wouldn't you be, uh, like dead? Living folks are certainly NOT breathless.

I can think of a few situations in which I've left one breathless. Years ago, I took a physiology class where many poor frogs' brains got scrambled by my lab partners. I never pithed a frog because I couldn't bring myself to turn a living creature into a vegetable. As awful as it was for those poor amphibians, one science experiment has stayed with me forever. It left the creature breathless.

Flat Frog Lungs

After pithing the frog, we removed it's lungs and connected them to a compression unit. I believe those flat gray things on the right are lungs; however, they enlarged quadruple the size and became pinkish with a little air pushed into them. Then we'd release the air and watch them deflate leaving the little guy breathless. This, dear readers, is the only time I've left anyone breathless... unless you count the flies I've swatted or spiders I've sprayed with Windex. I'm too scared to get close enough to smash them, so Windex does more than cure pimples.

I've also made myself almost breathless from running or heavy exertion. I remember doing a runners' series years ago. As depicted in the clip below, I felt like the hippo at the end of the stampede scene from Jumanji. Tired I was, but not totally breathless or I wouldn't be writing this post.

See the fat little hippo trailing behind the fast, fit animals?                                                                                                                              

That's me on the left.

I wonder if I've ever left a reader temporarily breathless when they laughed so hard they couldn't breath. Hopefully, no one died from reading my blog. Then again, if one laughed that hard, one would eventually pass out, pee one's pants, and life would continue. Whew! Dodged that murder rap.  Death by surfing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Whether good or bad, shocking events make me breathmore. If someone were to stick a gun to my head, I'd hyperventilate from fear. Then maybe I'd faint, in which case I'd be breathing less than I had before, but I still wouldn't be breathless. Why did the infamous they define "breathless" as short on breath due to excitement or other strong feelings? It doesn't work that way!                                                                                                              

If I caught sight of something magnificent, like the Grand Canyon or a snow-capped mountain, once again, I think I'd go into a state of breathmore with the thrill of it all.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

 

The English language is strange in how we define our words. Next time you see something stupendous, think about it. Does it leave you breathless or breathmore?