GBE2 Meets Theme Thursday: Writing About Faith on a Humor Blog

With tragedy surrounding us this past week, two of my blogging groups have asked us to post about faith or to just follow our hearts in blogging. This is tough because my writing lends itself to humor.

Faith means complete trust or confidence in something. I have faith in a lot of things. I know that when visiting the dog park, my furry friends will jump into the muddy lake and come out disgustingly dirty. I will get a nose bleed from my left nostril at least once a week in the winter time, and even got one this morning; however, the doc has faith that it's just dryness. When dining at a nice restaurant, the salad dressing will drip on my blouse. Most importantly, faith means that one day I will be a thin, even though I will faithfully put on a pound or two this month. I've given my kids specific instructions. If I'm ever on life support, they have promised not to pull the plug until I'm a size six. I have faith that they'll follow my wishes.

Bear's Arm

I know. I know. That's not the kind of faith Mrsupole or Beth were referring to. You both wanted an in depth––spill my guts kind of post about the horrible tragedy in Connecticut. The problem is, when faced with such an unspeakable tragedy, I cannot speak. What does one say about innocent children being slaughtered by a crazy twenty-year-old? 

Should I get political about the issues of gun control and how we should ban assault weapons? I agree. There's no reason anyone needs a gun that shoots rapid fire without the need to reload. Our founding fathers could not have imagined this type of weapon when writing the second amendment, giving folks the right to bear arms. People also discuss getting more help for the mentally ill. Once again, I agree and will further add that we should tax the one percent to pay for it.

I also agree that no child should be fearful of going to school. This tough situation needs answers, and perhaps my group leaders would be satisfied to read my post about how I shed tears when I read the grandfatherly neighbor's account of the tragedy; but personally, I'd rather deal with having faith that when getting dressed tomorrow, I will find a pair of socks that doesn't have a hole in them. That is less painful.

Theme Thursday: Angels

This week's Theme Thursday asks the question of whether or not I believe in angles. Well of course! I didn't spend a year in high school geometry for nothing. I believe in 180* ones along with 45*, and––

Sorry, but is this a humor blog or what? I didn't want to suddenly go all serious on you with each post.

Angels! I've believed in those too ever since I was seven and one saved my life while on a runaway bike that was possessed. Not exactly. The bike might have gotten out of sorts because I didn't get the concept of coasting when riding downhill. Instead, I pedaled full force until I found myself headed straight into a moving car.

I panicked and could only think to stop the bike, but the brakes failed to heed my one request because of inertia: a body in motion tends to stay in motion. 

That's when the angel entered the scene. I guess it was an angel because I never saw anyone, but I felt it. Some invisible something grabbed the handle bars of my bike and threw me out of the path of the car. I circled into a grassy hill and got my usual skinned knees. Throughout my childhood, I never had a normal looking knee so this was no big deal. As an adult, I usually have clean knees but STILL mess them up from time to time. 

Proof! There must be angels because without them, I'd surely be dead.

 Many thanks to Beth for telling me about morgueFile. This is a delightful site that allows me to download any of their pictures without fear of being sued; unfortunately, the bloody knee is totally mine. :)

#GBE2 Meets Theme Thursday: An Impulse Made Me Have That Conversation

Every time I post something political on Facebook, my daughter Judy says, "Mom! Don't do that. You're not going to change the minds of those who don't see things your way, but you will make them angry and quit following you."

She may have a good point but those darn impulses make me have these conversations. How can one not answer the absurdities that some folks post on Facebook? How do I not share that fine tuned point that may just sway the one undecided voter left in this country? People whine that they don't want to read politics on FB, but as for me, I don't want to read about what you ate for dinner. Is it not important to enter into conversation about the future of the free world? What better time do I have to make an influence on the next thirty years than today? After all, the Supreme Court is at stake as well as our democratic right to vote.

Every morning, the conservative talk show blasts through my radio and I get my blood moving by listening to the idiocy coming through the airwaves. This morning, Andrew Clarke had the nerve to say, "No one is using voter ID laws to keep people from voting."

Really, Andrew? It sure looks that way to me. Why not allow any ID to work? Do you really think a young person will forge a college ID just to vote? Half of them won't even bother voting when given the right. More people are being denied the right to vote than questionable ballots to begin with. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a slick Republican strategy to steal the election... and if we're not paying attention, it just might work!

Let the impulse take you and join the conversation before it's too late.

Theme Thursday: Eyes

I know you think these smiling eyes belong to some great celebrity, and you may be right... but not yet. Mrsupole asks if one can smile with their eyes. I certainly believe it as proven in the above photo, but what do smiling eyes mean? Is the barer smiling because she is up to no good or perhaps she knows a secret that she dare not tell. Wouldn't it be great to be able to pop into anyone's head and know what they're thinking? Or perhaps the thoughts of others might not be so wonderful, especially when they're thinking how weird you are.

I've always been an eye girl. Some women like to stare at male six packs, booties, or beards, but not me. I'll take a pair of sexy peepers any day. As a result, my husband has great eyes. Round, dark pools of warmth snatched me early in our dating. I guess it was his eyes because he couldn't hold a tune even if it were hot glued to his hands. In fact, he sings so badly that his high school music teacher told him to shut up and lip sync. I guess that educator wasn't enticed by beautiful eyes. Neither was the wet fool next to the "malfunctioning" wave pool in the high school science lab. Tee hee.

Do you want to know why the eyes up top are smiling? Okay, I'll tell you. It's the result of repeatedly holding a camera phone to one's own eyes and snapping stupid picture after stupid picture. Glad no one was home to see that one!

Let's end this with a little celebrity eye game. Guess whose eyes and if I don't forget the answers by the time I tally up my responses, I'll tell you if you're right.

A.

B.

C.

Theme Thursday: Aromas

What's funny about aromas? Nothing, but head into a Bath and Body Works and you might find some humor in what they name their fragrances. I can only guess what these delicious flavors must smell like.

Autumn: This must be a collection of rotted pumpkins or Halloween candy. Put some behind your ears and hope the mosquitoes are gone for the season.

Caribbean Escape: A mixture of sea weed and dead fish with a floral base.

Dark Kiss: The smell of DEATH! Isn't that what Harry Potter's dementors did when they sucked all the joy out of their victims?

Green Grass: Allergy sufferers need to watch out for this one. Guaranteed to make your nose drip and eyes water.

Island Colada: This aroma is only for those of legal age.

Kitchen Lemon: Pucker up because this aroma makes one round those lips... and it's not to whistle.

Sage Cucumber: Really? I never thought to mix sage with cucumbers and then wear it!

and finally...

P.S. I Love You: What would love smell like? Probably the sweetest aroma of all!

Theme Thursday: Confusing

Unplugged

Maybe I shouldn't admit my Beverly Hillbillies moment. After all, everyone occasionally hears odd beeps or settling in a home. Sometimes these noises can get downright annoying such as the weather radio, that I simply unplug when it buzzes nonstop. Okay, okay, I heard the beeping signaling a storm coming. Now shut up already! My husband gets aggravated at me for unplugging the thing, but at least I'm not running outside with my camera, like someone else I know.

Sometimes we hear a shuffling sound in the walls. It's those stupid squirrels who moved into our attic. They don't even pay rent! 

Anyone want to buy a squirrel?

                                                                           

The thing about weather radios and squirrels is they aren't confusing. After all, I know exactly what makes them disturb the peace. Confusing was that occasional beep coming somewhere from the kitchen. Every now and then, I'd hear it and wonder. Finally, I made a comment to my husband, "What is that?"                                                    

                                                                           

Mitchell laughed and laughed. It was my new phone. It meant I'd gotten a text message.           

                                                                          

Well gahlly! How is ah supposin' to know that? 

I tain't never had no smart gizmo befores.

                                                                            

It takes several episodes for Jed and company to figure out where "thet music is a-comin' from" whenever somebody rings their doorbell.

                                                                              

Theme Thursday: Inspiring Things

This week's Theme Thursday has given me a blog topic and an array of questions that need my wisdom. Let's give it a try, shall we?

Do you see inspiring things each day?

I'm not sure if I've seen anything inspiring today. Maybe outspiring, or whatever the opposite of that would be. I'd planned to fly to Dayton; however, just like Beth the alien traveler, we humans must also pick up headaches in Atlanta before going anywhere. The plane I was supposed to get on was running late and I was informed that I would miss my connections. So I had a choice... hmm... spend the night in a dumpy Atlanta hotel or reschedule for tomorrow. 

Am I supposed to feel inspired by that? Maybe so. I've created the best book characters from the lousiest people I've known and the worst situations too. If you ever treated me poorly, be afraid, be very afraid. And buy my book, after I talk someone into publishing it,  just to make sure you're not in it.

Do you wake up and hop out of bed then hurry to get ready to start your day?

Are you kidding me? This is summer. Why in the world would I hop out of something as delightful as my bed? If anything, I've recently stopped hopping because it sets my head spinning. Instead, I sit at the edge and wait for my blood pressure to rise enough to not get a carpet burn at the tip of my nose from keeling over. I'll leave the hopping to Kangaroo Jack. This movie was pretty bad in the stupid kind of way. I'd say it ties with Solaris. 

Even the actress fell asleep!

Have you seen Solaris? It had one funny scene. Someone asked George Clooney how a lady got on the space ship. He said, "I don't know. I just woke up and she was there."

My sister leaned into me and said, "I just woke up and she was there too." Yes, strangers, that is why we laughed hysterically in the middle of that boring movie.

What inspires you?

You do. Every time I get a comment where someone tells me I made them laugh, I am inspired to do it again. In fact, I am so inspired that I need to talk an agent into representing my book because I guarantee it will make kids laugh. After all, I've used a few of Bruce Coville's magic words in my book. "Fart." "Underwear." "Butt." Yes, folks, slap these words into kidlit and you've got an instant chuckle. If these words made you laugh too, don't admit it! 

Theme Thursday: Life's Uncertainties

Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and if you eat a boatload of asparagus, your pee will stink in the morning. However, this week's Theme Thursday is not about certainties, but rather uncertainties. You know them. It's when you pass the perfume counter at the department store, see a sample and without any thought you spritz a little on your wrist. Next you know,

you smell like a dime store prostitute and that person you just interviewed with for the job you really want is headed toward you. Wait a minute, uncertainties, uncertainties, that's another certainty.

Let's try again with this topic. You find a four leaf clover, put it on the table for good luck, and you just know everything great will happen. However, you only end up with wilted leaf stains on your furniture and the same bum luck you always had. Dang! Another certainty.

Maybe this topic is talking about those things you don't expect to happen. Has anyone ever had a blow out? I did. Years ago while driving on the highway, I heard a boom and then my car bounced up and down like a kid after eating too much candy. Except unlike the child, smoke came out from under my hood instead of what comes out of a jumping toddler. It's a certainty that I'd cough over smoke or vomit, but uh oh, uncertainties.

Check out this funny website. http://www.heftyhumor.com/

This topic is hard. With my fifty years of life experiences, nothing surprises me anymore. I will die one day, I will continue to pay taxes, and don't get near my pee because I LOVE asparagus. That's a certainty. What's uncertain is when I'll die, how much I'll owe in taxes next year, and how long into my old age I will be able to control my bladder. There! Life's uncertainties. Are you satisfied?