Wordless Wednesday: Sleeping Babies

My Sleeping Babies

 

Musical Monday: Another Postcard

Here's a fun one for Musical Monday.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice. 

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday 

of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Writer's Post: Brain + Mouth = No Filter

                                                                                   

This week's writer's topic, Brain + Mouth = No Filter could have something to do with why my kids' boyfriends and girlfriends are afraid of me. Hey, I'm not awful, just blunt. Was it that bad when I told my daughter, "We no longer need to check your boyfriend's circumcision," after he did an outstanding job reading Hebrew at the Passover seder? Don't blame me; she didn't have to tell him what I said. And then they broke up. Actually, the breakup was much later than that, but I wonder if dating advice books mention mothers.     

Either way, I think our host Karen Smith at Magical Mystical Mimi was thinking more along the lines of what kids say, such as when a friend of mine taught her young daughter the correct terminology for body parts. This was fine until the girl crawled under a bathroom stall and shouted, "Mommy! I just saw that women's vagina."  

When your kid says things like that, it's better to avoid public restrooms and use your own toilet. Here's a link incase you're interested in purchasing one to avoid embarrassment in public facilities. ;)    

                                                                                                                       

Dogs Make a Difference

This post is underwritten by our partner Dog Fence DIY, the most affordable resource for wireless dog fencing.

I feel sorry for petless people who have never experienced the joys of dog ownership. I've owned at least one pooch since age seven and cannot imagine life without a furry friend to help me with my emotional needs, physical well-being, and safety. 

As for emotional health, dogs provide us with unconditional love unlike any other. Imagine locking your spouse at home every day without a means to leave the house. Yes, you provided a water bowl, but you left the bathroom doors locked. "Just hold it until I'm back, Dear." Would your significant other jump up and down when you simply walked through the door? Well, if he or she had to go badly enough, there'd be jumping but not the glad to see you because I love you excitement. 

Or try feeding your kids the same meal out of a bag every day for breakfast and dinner. Would they be thankful just to see food? It sure would be easier than cooking, but they wouldn't appreciate it like your dog does. You eat your Thanksgiving meal complete with pumpkin pie in front of your dogs without offering them a bite, yet they still love you. My human family members would never be forgiving or loving like my dogs in these situations.

No one needs to dress up, wear expensive scents, shave, or even shower; dog love no matter what. And in a world like this, we need all the unconditional love we can get. With a dog, you'll never be alone, even when you use the toilet or shower. When I walk through the house, my dogs parade behind me as if I'm the most important person in the world. To them, I am.

Dogs provide great entertainment too. Dress them up in stupid costumes on Halloween and they won't complain. They make fabulous subjects for kids' school projects too. What would my kids have done about science fair if they didn't have animals to experiment on? FYI, a dog's hair grows faster than a kid's after being shaved; dogs prefer rain water to Evian; and golden retrievers do not forget where treats are hidden hours later. Also, tail hairs make great fox fur on Social Studies posters.

Dogs also improve our health. Studies have shown petting dogs lowers blood pressure and decreases anxiety. My dog has been wonderful for my back. I have a history of back problems including a surgery on my lowest disc. My small dog sleeps with her back to mine. This provides a convenient heating pad that improves my back aches in the morning. No kidding! Plus, a walk at the dog park helps my back too. How could I ever go to the dog park without a dog? Not to mention the exercise I get from my golden retriever asking me to let her outside, bring her back in, let her out again, etc. I'm up and down plenty.

On another note, dogs protect us from fierce squirrels, cats, and mailmen attacks. We often hear our vicious alarm system in stereo, but it beats calling the police after a break in.

Dogs are the best friends anyone could have, so you want to protect them from being struck by cars. Check out my sponsor to learn more about invisible fences. http://www.dogfencediy.com.

Wordless Wednesday: What's Different?

♭♬♩ One of these things is not like the others. ♫♪♩

 

Silly Sunday: Terrorist Plot Revealed

On my way to the mailbox, I found a note in my yard and KNOW I've uncovered a secret terrorist plot. The plan will be orchestrated by three men code named "Hot Dogs, Beer, and Yazoo." These chicken-hearted thugs are planning an offensive against farms in Avocado Heights, California. To prepare for the assault, they've worked their buns off earning bread. They've also found secret contacts in bars. Pease take heed to this dangerous message before we roast in hot soup. 

Upon further inspection, I discovered that these bad guys lure dogs into the mission through treats such as pies made with pot. Before you water down the seriousness of my find, be aware of their use of a dangerous chemical code named "Diet Coke." They've tried to smooth over the hard results of this mission by sending the Arabic greeting of peace, "Salaam." Furthermore, the Swiss have funded their attack through the sale of candy. I need to contact the FBI to inform them of how I chipped away this cheesy plan all from a note in my yard. 

So here's the note. Do you think I'm on to something?

Writer's Post: Mister Hats

If you're up at three a.m., you might catch a TV ad from the best hat shop in Memphis, Mister Hats. With its wide selection of quality products, it's easy to find what you want. The owner has even made sales from people who reach his store by dialing the wrong number. That is after a thirty minute chat!

However, what happens at Mister Hats typically stays at Mister Hats, so here's a rare peek into the hat business.

A customer asked, "What do you have here that’s on sale?"

"Everything is for sale!" Mr. Hats said. And it is. I bet he'd even sell his dictionary since he said, "This book's got a lot of words but no plot." 

On another occasion, a gentleman with a southern drawl asked for a hat with a confederate flag on it. He needed one because a police officer had taken his last one.

I wonder if losing his hat had any similarities to the customer who apologized for not being in for awhile due to having been incarcerated. He repeated his jail comment multiple times and then got excited when he saw cologne. "Don't worry," he said. "I'm not going to steal it."

  Check out Mister Hats!

 

113 S Highland St, Memphis, TN 38111
(901) 452-2099

Wordless Wednesday: School Pictures

I've torn my house apart trying to find that one preschool picture that best fits my humor blog, but it is lost. Judy was proud of her new pair of underwear; so, when the camera flashed, she flashed too. I guess posting that photo would not go with my blog's clean image anyway.

Here are a few goofy school pictures of my kids and me.

Erica is never fully dressed without a hat to show coolness.

They retook Judy's picture but gave us the original

I trimmed Daniel's mullet and put this photo in the paper.

My school picture from kindergarten.

Back From The Future

Hosted by Nicki, Suze, and M Pax.

I'm participating in the Back From the Future Blog Hop.

Here are my Instructions:

You're up before dawn on a Saturday when the doorbell rings. You haven't brewed your coffee so you wonder if you imagined the sound. Plonking the half-filled carafe in the sink, you go to the front door and cautiously swing it open. No one there. As you cast your eyes to the ground, you see a parcel addressed to you ... from you.

You scoop it up and haul it inside, sensing something legitimate despite the extreme oddness of the situation. Carefully, you pry it open. Inside is a shoebox -- sent from ten years in the future -- and it's filled with items you have sent yourself.

What's in it?

**∑´®ƒ¥¨ø**

As I look out the window, I spot my neighbor waving from her driveway and heading my way. I open the door to see what she wants.

"I met the future you looking for your house to deliver that package," she points, "but you forgot where you live," she says.

"Do I move in the future?" Not that it would matter since I've lived in my house for twenty-two years.

"No. You're just even more forgetful than you are now."

Great. I thank her, close the door, and open a Stinga shoe box, a future best selling brand that sports "kick me" across the heals. The box reveals a half eaten donut with teeth digging into it. Under the donut clutching teeth is one smiley-face sock with a purple note sticking out of the top.

I snatch the note for a quick read.

Dear Me,

     The 2013 economy is in a rut, so I've included something valuable to help you out. If you look closely at our teeth, you'll find gold fillings in the molars. As for the sock, I couldn't find the mate in 2023, so I figured I'd send it back to see if you have it.

Love,

Me

 

I take the teeth and start for the door, but I forget what I'm supposed to do with them.  Oh well. At least I still have half of a tasty donut. I take a bite only to remember that I stopped eating sugar years ago. Darn! I guess I should give up artificial sweeteners too.

#GBE2: Tribute to Rita Rudner

This week's GBE2 Theme is Tribute, so as a humor blogger, I choose to focus on one of my comedy role models, Rita Rudner. Years ago, I saw her live in Memphis and have used her "Don't pull the plug until I'm a size six" joke ever since.

Here are a few Rita Rudner quotes.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

And finally, here is a fun Rita Rudner clip.

 

   

Wordless Wednesday: A Frickin' Elephant

As five-year olds were learning to read, one of them pointed at a picture and said,"Look! It's a frickin' elephant!"

And so it was...

African Elephant

 

Being Misdirected

The Girl Scout leaders tried to teach us how to perform the tinikling dance of the Philippines; however, they must have misdirected me because I kept bruising ankles and tripping over poles.

After pointless rehearsals, they slapped a grass skirt on me and the other uncoordinated scout and stuck us at the front of the stage to wave our arms back and forth. See what happens when one is misdirected? However, a lack of rhythm (or direction) never stopped me from dancing with a chair at the Deja Vu.

Now I'm full of rhythm. Just watch me in my movie premiere. I have a fist pumping solo dance and a group scene in which I'm the one in the yellow sunglasses (not Sponge Bob) who's a beat off from everyone else, but it's only because I was misdirected.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!