Silly Sunday: Repairs

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct problems and document repairs on form.

Here are maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S). 
 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

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P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

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P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

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P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

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P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

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P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

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P: Aircraft handles funny. 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

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P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

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P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Writer's Post: Ghosts of Halloweens Past

Once upon a Halloween, I was a kid who didn't need parents to escort me from door to door, nor did I wear expensive store-bought costumes. After someone brought me a poncho from Mexico, I was a Mexican Hat Dancer for three years. Of course being a hat dancer meant planning a routine because someone would always ask me for a trick. 

Get it? "Trick or Treat." In the St. Louis of the 1960s that expression meant exactly what it said. Kids rang the doorbell, said "Trick or Treat," and gave the homeowner a choice: Give candy immediately or ask for a trick. As a Mexican Hat Dancer, I did a dance. In other years, I wandered the neighborhood with a joke to tell. 

When I mention this tradition around Memphis, people look at me cross-eyed. That's not the only Halloween culture clash from moving 300 miles south. The first time my husband left to take our son trick-or-treating, he came home and asked, "Did you give out a candy?"

My kids: Halloween 1995

I said, "Sure. I gave out lots of candy. One to this kid, another to that."

He said, "But did you give out a candy?"

I hadn't a clue that he was trying to find out whether or not we had candy left. Go figure. We've yet to give out a candy, except for the year that the neighbors threw a huge party with gazillion kids, but didn't tell anyone they were coming.

Another Halloween memory of mine was Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts. Every year, David's mom made homemade donuts that she'd give to all the children. I never ate one. 

Kids can be quite literal, and that I was when Mom always said, "Never eat anything unwrapped." So year after year I'd skip those sweet smelling snacks that all the kids would go out of their way for. If I could go back in time, I'd eat one of her donuts on Halloween; but, it's not all bad. The memory of skipping donuts inspired my latest novel. I wonder if this manuscript would even exist if I'd eaten a donut. I also wonder if her son, who grew up to be a chef, bakes these donuts on Halloween. If he does, I just might have to go to St. Louis and ring his bell.

Wordless Wednesday: Hypnotist

At the University of Central Florida, these young women were hypnotized. They think they're in love with the wall. Teehee!

#GBE2: Ownership

This week's GBE2 topic is ownership which is perfect for me because I just got my Mother's Day gift last week. I dumped my dumb phone for a smart one.

Not Your Grandma's Phone

Here's the screen of my phone. Aren't my fall background leaves pretty? Notice the 41 unread email messages? I can't fix that problem because as soon as I delete them fifty more old emails pop up as unread. I had over 5,000 messages on my computer. Now I'm down to, 3,289. That's progress!

As I'm learning, there's a lot involved in working a smart phone. In fact, last Saturday I attended a "How to Use Your iPhone 4" class at the Verizon store. Sorry but, no S in my phone. The S dials numbers through voice commands; so in other words, when one says to a friend, "I call my boss Butterball when he's not around," suddenly Mr. Butterball is on your cell listening to you trash him because you said, "call my boss."

Pretty Duct Tape

Anyway, when I drove up for class, "Smart Phones for Dummies,"us old ladies waited in the parking lot for the kids to teach us how to use the almost latest technology. One woman shared her experiences with her first phone. She did everything she was told to do, but the phone still wouldn't work. Finally she learned she had to push a button called "Send."

I'm a step ahead of her because I know how to hit the send button. Not only that, but I can turn my phone on, off, mute it, answer incoming calls, and even take pictures. After my class, I took a picture of duct tape at Target and sent it to my daughter to see if she wanted any. She never responded, so her loss. Unless of course she reads her mom's blog.

Cool Camera

I took a photo of my husband at The Olive Garden the other night. It was one of those last minute dinners empty nesters do after the kids move out. Not sure that he knew this one was coming. The photos are much clearer than the ones I used to take on my dumb phone.

I can pull up the internet but can't see anything on the small screen without my reading glasses. As for Facebook, it won't accept my password when I try to sign on. I guess I won't be wasting time away from home.

I even used the cool technology to "face time" with my daughter in Maryland. For those of you who are technologically challenged (like I was last week), that means we spoke through picture phones. How cool is that? You want to be impressed? If it works, I'll be shocked too.  Listen to this! 

Next I know, I'll be telling the phone to beam me up! Isn't ownership of cool technology grand?

Silly Sunday: Ralph and Edna

Another Sunday means it's time to join Rhonda's weekly hop at Laugh Quotes.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she  ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she told Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?" 

Writer's Post on Movies: Rat Race

This week's challenge is to blog about a favorite movie. When it comes to comedy, there is none funnier than Rat Race. This 2001 film contains an all star cast: Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Bates, Cuba Gooding Jr., Breckin Meyer, Amy Smart, Paul Rodriguez and several other big names. If you don't see a familiar face in Rat Race, you don't watch movies.

Although Rat Race is a remake of the 1963 movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, it's even funnier than the original. Multi-millionaire Donald Sinclair (John Cleese) chooses winners from a Vegas slot machine to compete in a race across Nevada to a locker containing a bag with $2,000,000.

Each character has his or her own comedy story which adds to the humor. Here is a clip of Mr. and Mrs. Pear (Jon Lovitz and Kathy Najimy) and kids when they stop at the Barbie museum.

Here's another clip of two brothers Duane Cody (Seth Green) and Blaine Cody (Vince Vieluf) as they find themselves in a bit of trouble on the road. Hysterical but still not their funniest scene in this movie.

And finally, let me share one more short scene with Enrico Pollini (Rowen Atkinson of Mr. Bean fame).

 If you haven't seen Rat Race, go rent it! I dare you not to laugh out loud. You may join the hop by going to http://www.writerspost.net/

Gilad Shalit

Gilad Shalit captured at age 19

Although I'm a humor blogger, every now and then, news happens and I'm compelled to voice my opinion about it.

Gilad Shalit today

With the recent release of Gilad Shalit, Israel has once again shown that she is unlike any country in the world. In case you missed it, this Israeli soldier had been held prisoner by the Palestinians for five years. Yesterday he was released in exchange for 1,027 Palestinian prisoners. Several of these prisoners were terrorists who had made threats, carried out vicious attacks, or even murdered Israeli citizens. Israel swapped 1,027 prisoners for one, and the citizens of Israel were mostly in favor of the exchange.

Free Gilad Shalit open air concert

This is not the first time Israel has done this.  Over the last 30 years, Israel has released about 7,000 Palestinian prisoners to secure freedom for 19 Israelis and to retrieve the bodies of eight others.1

Many folks are probably asking the obvious question, "Why exchange one soldier for a thousand criminals?" If that one soldier were your son, wouldn't you do anything to get him back? That is the attitude of Israel. Every life is important and the country will do whatever it takes to get its soldiers home safely. As a result, Israel has one of the most loyal armies in the world. Those soldiers take risks because they love their country and know that the country loves them.

Let's contrast this with the mentality of Hamas who encourages their young to strap suicide belts around their wastes and kill innocent civilians. How can Israel make peace with people who hate them more than they love their own children?  


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Wordless Wednesday: Pumpkins

As you shop for your pumpkin, follow my plan… if you dare. Last year, I bought a huge pumpkin at the Farmer's Market for $2. The trick: I waited until Halloween day. The farmers didn't want to lug pumpkins back to Arkansas, so they were practically giving them away. With kids in college, it wouldn't be a tragedy to be stuck without one; however, I found an abundance of quality pumpkins at giveaway prices.

#GBE2: Safe Haven

When I was a little girl, my friends and I would often build mini safe havens in the den. We'd place chairs, TV trays, ottomans or anything else we could find at odd angles and then cover them with blankets to make a mini burrow that we'd crawl through. Next, feeling as if we were in our own private place, we'd play inside the blanketed house. It was great as long as no one farted. ;-)

Safe Haven? Yeah, right!

I don't remember my kids doing this (I'm talking about building tent houses, not farting). In fact, the only time I'd ever seen a blanketed safe haven, other than mine, was in the movie Sixth Sense when Haley Joel Osment tried to escape his ghostly visitors. Ironically, he never felt as safe in his safe haven as we did in ours. Maybe ghosts had filled our blanketed hutch too, but would this be a bad thing? After all, without a body, one cannot pass gas. I would think it would be a blessing to be with ghosts and here's a second reason why.

Friday night, my husband and I enjoyed a community dinner in a sukkah. The story behind the sukkah is that anyone from the past is invited to join us there. With the rabbi's nudging, several guests mentioned who they'd like to invite to dinner. First I wanted to invite my parents, but I also would have enjoyed dinner with Gilda Radner in her Roseanna Roseanna Dana get up. I always liked comical ghosts instead of spooky ones. My parents were also quite funny, so they would have fit right in with Gilda in this sukkah safe haven complete with ghosts. What could be safer than a homemade structure with lost loved ones?

Silly Sunday: Sooty

       
The truth is stranger than fiction. Check out this newspaper article. Also this can be found on The Telegraph (UK News) and the BBC.

Guinea pig harem says 'hello Sooty' 

A GUINEA pig called Sooty had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunnelling into a cage of 24 females.

He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of 43 offspring. Staff at Little Friend's Farm in Pontypridd, South Wales, have now secured Sooty's pen - and begun looking for homes for the guinea pigs. Owner Carol Feehan, 42, said: "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy.

"We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage. We looked for him everywhere but never thought of checking the pen where we keep 24 females. We did a head count and found 25 guinea pigs - Sooty was fast asleep in the corner. He was absolutely shattered. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days."

Meet the kids from Sooty's two nights of passion.

Writer's Post: Atmosphere

This week's Writer's Post topic is "Atmosphere." 

Well, okay.

Do you know where this is?

I remember the first time I heard the words, "Information Super Highway." I tried to picture a road of electricity zipping through a black void. As the eighties buzzed with talk of a future with information instantly flashing across the globe, my double-fisted-sized brain couldn't comprehend exactly what this invention meant. After all, who knew our
technological world would mean sending a laugh to folks on the other side of the planet? How could I have ever met a person from England, Germany, or keep up with my friend in New Zealand on a teacher's salary? Oh, I forgot. Our being over paid has caused the world's economic problems.

I always loved a good sci-fi movie or flipping on Lost in Space--the best choice out of our five TV stations. Looking back, Will Robinson's robot was as sophisticated as a box of Tinker Toys; on a scale of one to ten, Captain Kirk's uniform is right up their with the coolness of the Village People; and the scenes from Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) look fake. Don't laugh, it wasn't a comedy.

Future generations will look back and think how primitive we were back in 2011… or maybe not, since the world is gonna end in 2012…unless…of course, the cartoon below is true.

Wordless Wednesday: Friendship

I feel sorry for kids who don't have dogs.