Dating Naked

Have you heard about the new reality TV show, Dating Naked? If I can't find a bit of humor in this one, I guess I'll have to quit being a humor blogger. The premise for the show is for people to go on first dates in the nude, buff, naked, bare, stripped, etc. Of course one of the comedians was concerned about where money will be kept when they go out. Also, would the waiter really want to touch money when it comes out of storage? Fortunately, these singles on an island don't need pockets. 

I hope they use plenty of sunscreen, otherwise, those round apples might look like Jonathans. Or after looking at some naked folks, people might turn green. Naw! It's television, so they'll only choose those people with disgustingly perfect figures and no backne.

The best part about the show is that the bachelorettes won't have any problems being able to tell if the guys truly like them. As for the viewers, they just need to look for a bigger patch of blur. I wonder if they have doctors on the set. After all, the commercials say, "Please seek medical attention for an erection lasting over four hours." Bwaaaa. 

Now that naked television is the new thing, I wonder what other shows will be popping up. Be on the lookout for:

• The Big Butt Theory
• Under the Dong
• Once Upon A Tit
• Full Blouse
• Sex With P. Diddy
• Game of Boners
• Knocking Up the Kardashians

Maybe How I Met Your Mother could start a new season after this show or Two and a Half Men might take on a whole new meaning.

Daniel Does Soccer

Tonight we watched The AFC, Daniel's soccer team, play a winning match in Nashville. None of the guys knew what AFC stood for, so I called them The Amazing Futball Club. Although only one guy from the other team got it in the nuts, Daniel scored a brilliant goal. He hit the ball off his chest and volleyed it in from the air. It was a two-step––like the dance. He also had a beautiful red head who came to see the game. 

I don't know if you know how into soccer my son is, but he recently went to Brazil to watch the World Cup. While he was there, he ran into Dave from England. This was one of the soccer coaches who stayed with us for several weeks one summer. His buddy Niall found my daughter's fish floating dead in the bowl, so she named her new fish Niall.

Hope you enjoyed my quick post. She you later, Peeps.

#WW : Dog Shaming

I ate my grandmother's glasses.

And the mat, kitchen spoon, wooden game, didgeridoo, boomerang key chains, comb, ping pong paddles. I also ripped a hole through the porch screen and chewed carpet. I'm a bad puppy!

New Driver

During the late 1970s, I prepared for my driver's license, but not nearly enough. My first time out alone with the car, I had an accident. I hit a parked car in a snowy parking lot. Looking back, I didn't have a clear understanding of how cars worked, probably from not enough hours behind the wheel. 

This was not the case with my kids. As soon as they received their learner's permits, they spent a year as the family chauffeur. This meant that wherever we went, the kid with the learner's permit did the driving. By the time they received their licenses, they were all expert drivers and I could relax.

I hope Jillian's parents will let her be the chauffeur of their family. Since she's not yet a pro, enjoy this clip. My former student is hysterical behind a wheel. At least she's now in a different city. Love the kid, but don't think I want to be around as she learns how to drive.

Isn't she cute? Scary but cute.

#MM Celebrate Me

This week's theme for Monday Music Moves Me is to post a song of celebration and then one that describes ourselves. First up, let's celebrate. Stevie Wonder's Do I Do has always made me feel like celebrating.

And next up please enjoy a song that describes me. Those who have followed my blog for any length of time know I'm totally nuts.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava’s Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.




PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

#WW The Dogs at the Bank

We pulled into the line for the drive-up teller at the bank.

The dogs went into attack mode–

barking and growling at three dogs in the mirror. 

Last Day of School

Tomorrow is the last day of school, so I figured I'd share what's in my head.

Bleg bleggy bleg ah no no KIDS

razma googoo bugabear TECHNOLOGY

stacka tracka mu mu QUIET

ble ble ble pffffft. 

DOES NOT COMPUTE, ANYMORE

  . . . OR READ 

    . . . OR SPELL

       . . . OR THINK 

        . . . OR EXPERIMENT

           . . . OR ESPECIALLY WRITE IEPS.

 

Unintelligibgibly am I,

Joyce

If you're a teacher, stop by Teacher's Pay Teachers and pick up my "Tired Teachers' " Logic Problem. It's good for a few laughs while challenging your students. Plus, I wrote it before I totally lost my mind.

http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Tired-Teachers-Logic-Problem-End-of-School-YearPre-vacation-Humor-1212723

Motherly Advice Before Mother's Day

Baby Escapes Papoose for Dad Time!

I've always been told I'm a good mother. Of course that's not what my kids say. They think I'm embarrassing, but I'm just enjoying payback. How many times do or did your kids make you want to hide under a store clothing rack? Sometimes they'd humiliate me so much that I'd loudly announce, "Aunt Joyce is going to return you kids to your mama!"

Little did I predict, they now occasionally call me Aunt Joyce when in public.

Since my kids grew up to be fine adults, I'm allowed to give free parenting advice. First of all, the baby stage is the most important time for human development. Each day, I'd get up, get dressed, and strap my baby into a snuggle sack. I'd walk around all day with that baby attached to my chest like a papoose. While wearing my baby, I'd hug, kiss, and stroke a little back. This gave the young one security that let them know they were loved and cared for. That way, later on when I screwed up, they had the self esteem to handle it.

Later, I broke my back, probably from years of strain from constantly carrying babies, but I'd do the same thing all over again . . .  with regular visits to the chiropractor.

Another free tip: it is crucial for parents to be the adults in the family. I get so frustrated

Control your kids!

when I see moms or dads give in to whining or crying kids. For example, two years ago, a three or four year old ran onto a stage and disrupted a school talent show. The daddy chased that bad boy across the stage before catching him because the brat would not mind by coming when called. How appalling to be back stage and hear Dad repeatedly apologize to the kid because he couldn't be on stage! WTF? If he were my kid, he'd be in serious trouble for not listening. 

You're probably thinking I'd tear his butt up, but you're wrong. I never spanked or hit any of my kids. We used to press their noses against a wall for time out, take away toys or privileges, or worst of all, not let them brush their teeth! Actually, we only threatened to take away toothbrushing. That was scary enough to get the kids to do what we wanted without having to carry out the punishment.

These are only a few free tips, I have more, but posts should be short. So in conclusion, kiss those babies until their cheeks turn red, be the boss over your kids, and enjoying embarrassing your adult children. After twenty-one years of putting up with their crap, you'll have earned it.

#WW Wordless Wednesday Meets the Wiener Man

The royals were not the only visitors to Memphis this week.

Meet Sam the Wiener man!

And his amazing wiener mobile.

♭♬♩Oh. I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener. ♪♫♩

#AtoZ : Y is for You

Thank you to all the wonderful people who have been regular visitors to my blog. You make it happen!
Without you, I'd be another frustrated comedian wanna be with no audience. Yet, you visit my blog and tell me I'm funny. That makes my day.

On another Y note, we visited an aunt who is 91 years young. She told me I am pretty. Her daughter told us, she's been speaking a lot of nonsense . . . although not in that order. Since, I'm beautiful, I took a couple selfies just for you. I think they may be suitable for framing beside your Farrah Fawcett poster.

A kiss for you!

Oh, and please, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Actually, at the risk of sounding tacky, I may be prettier than Farrah, Marilyn Monroe, and Audrey Hepburn, too. But we can't be sure until someone digs up their graves and checks out how they look. I just might have them beat these days.

#AtoZ: I'm Going to Be Sagging Soon!

It's been a long time coming, but I finally can see myself sagging. To really sag a lot, I must spend time around an abundance of food, such as cookies, crackers, fruits, and gels. Maybe, one day I'll sag more than anyone in town.

But I wish I didn't have to sag in the early morning hours. 

Whatever it takes to support Superman as he leads the training for the Century 100 Mile Ride, again. Did you think I was talking about my body sagging? Ha! I'd rather bike than sag, but the cars passing close on the road scare me enough to wet my pants. So I'll just sag.

#AtoZ : "O" Oh, no! What Happened?

Psych! 

Did I get you?

#WW #AtoZ : Nice Date

Remember prom night in high school? 
You wore your best to a high class restaurant. 
Then, you texted about it throughout dinner!

#AtoZ : Matzah

It's time again to give up real food for flat crackers that give one digestive problems. We can purchase all kinds of derivatives for matzah, such as matzah fartful, too. Oh, yeah, don't forget the Gas-Ex with the Passover supplies. And remember, Moses's line, "Let my people go," takes on a whole new meaning.

It's going to be a great week!

#AtoZ : Killer Cookies

I had a craving for cookies. Our cupboards were bare, and I don't eat sweets, anyway. But, to get the satisfaction, I filled a soup mug with pancake mix, an egg, baking powder - spilled, too much vanilla (oops), Splenda, and I added a few decadent chocolate chips. I didn't measure anything, and the batter was too

salty, but with the made up concoction in the oven for eight minutes, we shall see.

I Yi Yi! These taste horrible! I kid you not, even the cookie monster wouldn't want them. Do you think it's the fact that I spilled the vanilla or put too much baking soda in them? Of course, burning these suckers didn't help, either. 

Next time, I'll follow a recipe because even my dog cookies taste better than these. Today, I tossed my cookies!