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My humorous thoughts about life.

"My Humorous and Helpful Thoughts About Teaching / Educational Resources for Your Classroom / Music and Random Fun"

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Silly Sunday on Saturday Morning

I know I typically post on Thursday nights, but it's been one of those weeks. Sorry about that. I have a feeling things will get better. 

My husband Mitchell even does dishes!
Last night, I dined at The Spaghetti Warehouse with the Century Bike Club to carbo-load before their 100 mile bike ride, which is happening now. I've been on a low carb diet, so I enjoyed my chicken caesar salad.

My husband Superman has been the leader of this illustrious club and takes great pride in training greenies to perform the amazing.

At the restaurant, an adorable stranger was celebrating her 75th birthday. I had to snap a photo.

Her Highness!

If this ain't silly, I'll eat pasta!



Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: No Solicitors

Thanks to the creative and talented Jerold Rabushka for sharing this jewel of a photo.


Yes! The red sign reads, "Absolutely NO SOLICITING"


Monday, October 1, 2012

#GBE2: Exploring POV

As a writer, I love the challenge of taking a short scene from my WIP and changing the POV, but I wonder if there is any harm in posting this scene. My manuscript has not been sold, or even queried yet, but I will be in the process of sending it out this month. Would a future agent or editor object to my 250 or so words being published on my blog? I hope not.

Charlie Brown and my little Knob have a lot in common.


I'm in the habit of writing everything in first person, so it was a fun challenge to convert a scene to third; however, the first paragraph was not too different, so I didn't even bother to repost it.



Here is a first person scene from MRS. ZIMMERMAN'S DONUTS:


Slater’s mom pulled a chisel-shaped knife out of its top drawer and leaned her head back. With the precision of a surgeon, she gently slid the blade downward until it disappeared into her throat. Next she thrust it out with one gigantic swing. Blood covered the blade while red liquid filled her mouth. Her eyes rounded as her lips curved into a smug smile. She winked at me! Blood gushed out of her mouth, and she winked! While the room spun in oval circles, I couldn’t decide if she was crazy or if I needed the loony bin.
When a thick, red droplet dribbled down her chin, I squeezed the back of a chair and stepped backwards. My pulse pounded in my ears, and I worried that I might hurl at any moment.
“You’re b-bleeding.” I gripped the chair with my other hand too until my knuckles turned as white as Mom’s had when she drove me home after I’d gotten in trouble the other day. “Hospital. We need to t-take you to the h-hospital!”
Slater, Calfie, and Mrs. Slatker laughed so hard tears filled their eyes.
“What are you laughing at? I think she’s really hurt!” I plopped into a chair, put my elbow on the table, and leaned my head into my palm. “I don’t feel so good.”
“It’s fake, Knob,” Slater said in between chuckles. “She squirted fake blood in her mouth!”



How about a brush with third person?
 
Mrs. Slatker winked at Knob, whose face had transformed to a mixture of ashen and green. He squeezed the back of a chair and placed a wobbly foot behind him.  Spastic churning bloated his belly in an achy, sick sensation.
“You’re b-bleeding.” Knob gripped the chair with his other hand until his knuckles turned white. “Hospital,” he said. “We need to t-take you to the h-hospital!”
Slater, Calfie, and Mrs. Slatker laughed so hard tears filled their eyes.
“What are you laughing at? I think she’s really hurt!” Knob plopped into a chair, put his elbow on the table, and leaned his head into his palm. “I don’t feel so good.”
“It’s fake, Knob,” Slater said in between chuckles. “She squirted fake blood in her mouth!”


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Theme Thursday: What's Cooking? NADA

How ironic to be given a prompt asking, "What's cooking?," the day after my twenty-six hour fast. Yesterday, Yom Kippur––The Day of Atonement, meant a full sundown to past-down-again of reflecting, praying, and empty bellies. 

Each year, I'm amazed to see how easy fasting is for me. In fact, I was so involved with getting my house ready for the break fast, that I failed to watch the clock and went five minutes past supper time! I confess, I did a little evening cooking and baking, but no tasting. If I can go a full day without food or drink, why can't I say, "No" to that second helping or fattening dish? Our minds truly contain the potential to control that thing called our body if we're serious enough to do so.

Last night, a story circulated from one of the Orthodox synagogues in town. A teenage girl fell ill due to lack of food and passed out during the afternoon service. Someone made the mistake of yelling, "Is there a doctor in the house?" 

Practically the entire shul rushed to her aid, with the exception of a couple dozen lawyers pondering, Who pushed her? or Is there a loose tile below her feet that would make a good suit? And of course the temple contained those mentally challenged folks who became accountants. Cool your jets––I'M KIDDING! But in all honesty, we are quite an educated group of people.

The girl was fine. Her ego contained a few bumps and bruises, but no more than those I acquire daily.

If I have offended anyone this year–like accountants, please accept my humble apologies, but also realize I attended Kol Nidre services. This is a most important time when we admit to G-d that we'll probably sin all over again because after all, that's what humans do.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Silly Milly

I've preset this Wordless Wednesday entry to post since I won't be able to visit many blogs or link up to many posts this week due to a religious holiday. Please link up if you wish, and I hope to get back to you eventually. To those who celebrate, have a blessed and wonderful new year. Everyone else needs to have a wonderful week too.
  
Erica has had fun playing with our dog's image.



Queen Milly


Milly in Space


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Silly Sunday: ⚡Bar Flys⚡

Wonderful artwork by Kevin Smith. Check out his other illustrations at Creative Spark Studio. Kevin designs lots of cool posters, T-shirts, logos, and even photo restorations. Don't worry, he won't destroy priceless paintings of Jesus. ;)


⚡Bar Flys⚡ 

For just $39.99, you can be a fly on the wall and watch your kids consume massive amounts of alcohol, listen  to conversations (she's just a friend, hmm?), and not let them see you blush.


Does your son really pick up half-dressed women with too much eye-liner? 

Is the elastic at the waistline of your daughter's shirt inching upward while the neckline's slipping down?

Find out the answers today by calling 1-800-Bar-Flys. Down one capsule with a pint of beer and off you'll buzz to the twenty-something scene. Plant your hairy legs on a wall to hear and see all for this one time limitted offer. 

With Bar Flys you can be flying into the bar for only $39.99.


Uses
✦temporarily stops Ωβs, ΠϕΔs, and any other fraternity creeps from hitting on your daughter. Ever try successful flirting with a fly repeatedly landing on your nose, ears, or private parts? 
✦also effective to stop son when he acts like Ωβ or ΠϕΔ 
✦provides light buzz

Warnings
Do not use at ball games, plays, or any other event that contains programs. Accidental swatting may be fatal. Overuse of Bar Flys may result in
✦nervousness
✦jittery movements
✦attraction to sugary substances
✦seeing octuple

 Don't drive a motor vehicle or operate machinery when taking Bar Flys. Accidents can occur when drivers lose human dexterity.


"It works! I've grounded my kids for life," -Eves Drop


 Bar Flys! Get it today through this 
 special offer!
1-800-Bar-Flys

And if you act now, we'll throw in one free Car Ant that will allow you to see if that son really stopped texting and driving.













Thursday, September 20, 2012

#GBE2: Behind

Behind, bottom, bum, buttocks, backside, breech and all the other words that Beth had no intention of us using for this topic.

Everyone who visits my blog deserves a visit back, but I'm so behind and only get further so each day.

H iny--that thing we want to be tiny. Kids laugh when one says words that depict this part of the anatomy. If you laughed too, don't admit it... or better yet, you might like the kidlit that I write. :)

I would love to have the time to post stupid stuff everyday, but there is too much to do, and I'm behind!

N ot sure why the red only covered half of the letter. At least the letter is covered on the bottom. Ah, ha, ha, ha!

D errier is the French word for... well, just guess. I am so BEHIND in all I have to do that it's amazing I got a post up tonight!

I hope this isn't too lame.



Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: SCBWI Conference Photos–A Unique Perspective

At the end of the Midsouth SCBWI conference, I realized I hadn't taken any photos for Wordless Wednesday, so I snapped some quick ones.

The hotel had beautiful carpeting...


and ceilings.



The chairs were also interesting.




The Hilton provided complimentary coffee and ice water.

You expect to see pictures of famous writers, editors, and agents from a writer's conference? Remember, this is a humor blog!

Oh, okay. Here is a homemade movie of the gifted and talented Dan Yaccarino and me.




Don't you hate it when your camera takes a movie instead of a still photo?

Willa's Wild Life is an even better film than the one above.

Seriously, I had a great time at the conference and got a lot more out of it than these goofy snapshots that are good for messing with my readers. Hopefully, I even met someone who will want to take a chance on my humor.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Silly Sunday: Message From Hillary

Hey, Readers!

I got an e-mail from Hillary Rodham Clinton... although I don't remember her grammar being so off.



Check this out:








I write to inform you that your fund valued at US$10, 500,000 have been release by Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS). An ATM card with the same value of fund have been uploaded to your name in an ATM card. You are advice to contact Mr. Leo Steve, with his email (#^$%^$GRR.com) or by phone: +############ for immediate delivery of your ATM card, you only need to pay for the delivery fee for the shipment. Contact him immediately with your contact address and the shipment fee for your ATM card delivery. Best Regards, Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton U.S. Secretary Of State.






Sent By:
"Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton"   






Here's a hint: If you are going to impersonate someone as intelligent and sophisticated as Mrs. Clinton, you best make sure you SPEAKA DA ENGLISH!


Thursday, September 13, 2012

#GBE2 Meets Theme Thursday: An Impulse Made Me Have That Conversation

Every time I post something political on Facebook, my daughter Judy says, "Mom! Don't do that. You're not going to change the minds of those who don't see things your way, but you will make them angry and quit following you."


She may have a good point but those darn impulses make me have these conversations. How can one not answer the absurdities that some folks post on Facebook? How do I not share that fine tuned point that may just sway the one undecided voter left in this country? People whine that they don't want to read politics on FB, but as for me, I don't want to read about what you ate for dinner. Is it not important to enter into conversation about the future of the free world? What better time do I have to make an influence on the next thirty years than today? After all, the Supreme Court is at stake as well as our democratic right to vote.


Every morning, the conservative talk show blasts through my radio and I get my blood moving by listening to the idiocy coming through the airwaves. This morning, Andrew Clarke had the nerve to say, "No one is using voter ID laws to keep people from voting."

Really, Andrew? It sure looks that way to me. Why not allow any ID to work? Do you really think a young person will forge a college ID just to vote? Half of them won't even bother voting when given the right. More people are being denied the right to vote than questionable ballots to begin with. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a slick Republican strategy to steal the election... and if we're not paying attention, it just might work!


Let the impulse take you and join the conversation before it's too late.