Wordless Wednesday: School Pictures

I've torn my house apart trying to find that one preschool picture that best fits my humor blog, but it is lost. Judy was proud of her new pair of underwear; so, when the camera flashed, she flashed too. I guess posting that photo would not go with my blog's clean image anyway.

Here are a few goofy school pictures of my kids and me.

Erica is never fully dressed without a hat to show coolness.

They retook Judy's picture but gave us the original

I trimmed Daniel's mullet and put this photo in the paper.

My school picture from kindergarten.

Back From The Future

Hosted by Nicki, Suze, and M Pax.

I'm participating in the Back From the Future Blog Hop.

Here are my Instructions:

You're up before dawn on a Saturday when the doorbell rings. You haven't brewed your coffee so you wonder if you imagined the sound. Plonking the half-filled carafe in the sink, you go to the front door and cautiously swing it open. No one there. As you cast your eyes to the ground, you see a parcel addressed to you ... from you.

You scoop it up and haul it inside, sensing something legitimate despite the extreme oddness of the situation. Carefully, you pry it open. Inside is a shoebox -- sent from ten years in the future -- and it's filled with items you have sent yourself.

What's in it?

**∑´®ƒ¥¨ø**

As I look out the window, I spot my neighbor waving from her driveway and heading my way. I open the door to see what she wants.

"I met the future you looking for your house to deliver that package," she points, "but you forgot where you live," she says.

"Do I move in the future?" Not that it would matter since I've lived in my house for twenty-two years.

"No. You're just even more forgetful than you are now."

Great. I thank her, close the door, and open a Stinga shoe box, a future best selling brand that sports "kick me" across the heals. The box reveals a half eaten donut with teeth digging into it. Under the donut clutching teeth is one smiley-face sock with a purple note sticking out of the top.

I snatch the note for a quick read.

Dear Me,

     The 2013 economy is in a rut, so I've included something valuable to help you out. If you look closely at our teeth, you'll find gold fillings in the molars. As for the sock, I couldn't find the mate in 2023, so I figured I'd send it back to see if you have it.

Love,

Me

 

I take the teeth and start for the door, but I forget what I'm supposed to do with them.  Oh well. At least I still have half of a tasty donut. I take a bite only to remember that I stopped eating sugar years ago. Darn! I guess I should give up artificial sweeteners too.

#GBE2: Tribute to Rita Rudner

This week's GBE2 Theme is Tribute, so as a humor blogger, I choose to focus on one of my comedy role models, Rita Rudner. Years ago, I saw her live in Memphis and have used her "Don't pull the plug until I'm a size six" joke ever since.

Here are a few Rita Rudner quotes.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

And finally, here is a fun Rita Rudner clip.

 

   

Wordless Wednesday: A Frickin' Elephant

As five-year olds were learning to read, one of them pointed at a picture and said,"Look! It's a frickin' elephant!"

And so it was...

African Elephant

 

Being Misdirected

The Girl Scout leaders tried to teach us how to perform the tinikling dance of the Philippines; however, they must have misdirected me because I kept bruising ankles and tripping over poles.

After pointless rehearsals, they slapped a grass skirt on me and the other uncoordinated scout and stuck us at the front of the stage to wave our arms back and forth. See what happens when one is misdirected? However, a lack of rhythm (or direction) never stopped me from dancing with a chair at the Deja Vu.

Now I'm full of rhythm. Just watch me in my movie premiere. I have a fist pumping solo dance and a group scene in which I'm the one in the yellow sunglasses (not Sponge Bob) who's a beat off from everyone else, but it's only because I was misdirected.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Theme Thursday: Confessions

Mrsupole at Theme Thursday has given us the topic of Confessions. She hints that we could clear our conscience from the immoral acts we've committed. Like that is gonna happen! This is tough because I've never done anything even remotely worth confessing; but I'll spill three secrets.

 

1. I like the smell of skunks and have never understood why everyone yells, "Oooo" when that delicious scent wafts through the air. Come on, admit it. You know you like it too.

2. When I wake up in the morning, and it's a quarter to one; I want to have a little fun; I brush my teeth. Teeth brushing is a treat--just ask my kids. When they were small and misbehaved, I'd threaten to not let them brush their teeth. I know it's cruel and unusual punishment, but I never carried it out. The threat was all I needed to instill perfect behavior.

3. I once danced with a chair at the Deja Vu. The music played, but no one ventured onto the dance floor. After receiving dance refusals from a few men too chicken to be the first on the floor (at least they didn't say, "F%&* you like the creep in middle school), I grabbed a chair and kicked up the party. Actually, that's not the confession. This is: I was sober.

Wordless Wednesday: Appreciated!

Here are a few of the Valentine's I received from my students. I teach a pull out program called APEX for Intellectually Gifted kids. I feel super appreciated.

Musical Monday: Weird Al

It's Musical Monday, so here's a fun song fit for a humor blog.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

#Dayum!

My friend Kathy from the Giggling Trucker's Wife has asked us to write about what we are passionate about, so I've included a list of these things below.

1.

Dayum!

My daughter says I can't remember anything because I drink diet soft drinks. That must be why my list is blank.

Dayum!

Furthermore, the commercial states that the average person spends the same amount of time in the bathroom as on vacation. I spend more time in the bathroom.

Dayum!

Kathy writes, "If I didn’t pursue my passions, I think life would be pretty dismal.  Pursuing passions makes life worth living and more meaningful." I haven't pursued much recently.

Dayum!

It could be worse. I could be on a broken down cruise ship with sharks, or err lawyers, swimming all around. 

Here's a fitting commercial for Carnival.

Dayum! Dayum! Dayum!

#GBE2: The Crowd

      

She munches a skinny sprig of celery and then sends it to her personal jacuzzi. 

Or perhaps, she'll pretend to enjoy an apple--a starter food that avoids the crowd as it churns to oblivion before it rains 

                              peanut butter crackers. 

                  The storm always comes. 

Still trying to stay healthy with a bit of protein, she searches for the perfect snack. 
But a healthy treat is not what she craves--
only a filler to stall a rising crowd in her acid pool. 

Chips

                                     Dips

Chocolate cookies

Ice cream

Soda pop

M&Ms

                       Doritos

                            Cheetos

                                     Oreos

Oh nos!

There's no turning back once "the crowd" sends her butt to the Lane Bryant store.

Wordless Wednesday: Bath & Body Works Revisited

Sleep lotions are not all one can find at Bath & Body Works.

You can buy a lotion to give you energy.

or if you want to be sexy for Valentine's Day. . . 

Ooooo, sensual. 

A Song That Doesn't Represent my Life

Last Thursday, Suzy asked fellow bloggers to share songs that represented our lives. If I were to do that, you'd probably fall asleep reading my post. I figured it would be more fun to play a song that DOESN'T represent me and to participate in the wonderful Musical Monday on a Silly Sunday!

Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

When I was in third grade, I wore a bikini that actually looked cute covering my undeveloped chest and showing my flat little girl stomach; however, since those days, I wouldn't be caught in one. First off, I'm short wasted and look better in a one piece. Secondly, I've become a prude who doesn't like looking sexy. And finally, when I last wore a bikini, I got myself in trouble. 

I know that sounds hard to believe when we're talking about an eight-year-old, but let me explain. Back in the day, we played a hose game called Filling Station. Kids would dart around in swim suits, wait in line to grab the hose, stick it in swim suit bottoms to fill up the car and continue running again. Sounds like a totally innocent kids' game, doesn't it? It was! Never-the-less, when my brother pulled out the home movies and captured me sticking a hose down my pants, I never heard the end of it.

That's why I switched from bikinis to one-pieces. I didn't want to be tempted to stick a hose down my pants again!

Enjoy this retro song written by Brian Hyland and sung by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

#GBE2: Dreams

I Dream of Jeannie

The work was completed and the research paper turned in, so we visited the comedy club for drinks and fun. The comedian on stage asked if anyone was celebrating anything. I told him I'd finished my master's paper. After a short pause he said, "I Dream of Jeannie! Get Jeannie a free drink."

Nothing like retro TV to bring back fun memories, but why did Astronaut Nelson dream of Jeanie? Jeannie got him in the most trouble when he was awake. 

Like that would happen!

My guess would be the sad situation of a girl calling her man "Master." After all, isn't every man's dream to have someone as beautiful as Barbara Eden ready to grant his wishes? Of course, if Major Nelson were a real person (instead of a fictional character), the show wouldn't have been rated G.

Television is that dream place where pathetic guys get beautiful girls. Do you think Ginger or Mary Ann would have spoken to the single men on Gilligan's Island had it not been written in the script?

Penny & Leonard

A nerdy professor, a fat captain, and an accident prone idiot usually do not garner the attention of beautiful women. Maybe Gilligan's Island should have been called, "Dream Island" instead. 

But guess what? It's not just retro TV that matches dorks with beauties. Penny dated Leonard on The Big Bang Theory. Don't you love a great fiction story that lets guys dream?