Writer's Post: The Road Block to Donuts

Here I am once again facing my biggest road block when I should be working on Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts. Will, my ten year old character, wants to be invited to the weekly donut party at Harrison Zimmerman's house, but to get an invite, he must be part of the in-crowd. For a kid like Wimpy Will, this could happen–like never.

But life changes when along comes Slater, a clever fifth grader with a pointy Mohawk on top of his rounded head. Slater is eager to teach Will how to transform into Knob, the cool tough soldier; but in order to succeed, Will must pass several tests.

He certainly could do this if I'd spend more time on the novel and less time on the blog! So what do you think is my biggest road block?

Below is my opening couple of paragraphs. The first draft manuscript is almost totally complete, but it feels like a young dog: bony and lanky. I need to go back and add some meat.

Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts

by

Yours Truly

            Every Friday after school, Harrison Zimmerman invited popular boys over for a stupid end-of-the-week celebration. His mom would fry up homemade donuts dipped in thick chocolate sauce. My mouth watered as we passed his house and I breathed in the scent of those gooey pieces of dough.   

Mom usually fell into a tantrum at the thought of me swallowing anything slightly junky. She fussed over eating healthy as if my gut would explode if the tiniest bit of sugar or grease tickled my insides. But the real reason I’d never eaten the donuts: Harrison had never invited me. Actually, no one had ever asked me to go anywhere.

Things were about to change.… if my author will get off the internet already. I'm a desperate boy in need of serious help! ARGGGHHH!

 

Wordless Wednesday: When Art Visits America

Michaelangelo's David before visiting America

… and after…

Meet his sponsors:

#GBE2: The Beautiful Legs Contest

Is this a good one?

As a mere elementary student, I was chosen from the audience at a high school carnival to decide which guy had the most beautiful legs. A paper screen covered their faces and torsos while I walked across the stage looking for a great pair of legs. To be honest, I didn't have a clue. What are good legs supposed to look like to someone with an age still in the single digits? Finally, I pressed my finger against some guy's knee and he reveled in his victory.

Today, I'm still not sure what makes a great pair of guy legs. I'm more of a face girl, maybe one who takes notice of a cute butt, but legs never did anything for me. So at a young age I learned that the secret to judging is to set a criteria. I still don't have one, so I'm asking for your help in case anyone else ever asks me to judge beautiful legs.

What makes male legs beautiful?

I'm leaving you with a funny leg clip because nothing is beautiful about a possessed leg!

I don't know why I still ask people to push the Picket Fence button, but go ahead if you want to.

Silly Sunday: Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" 

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

Thanks to Rhonda at Laugh Quotes. Click the link to find more jokes and fun.

The Writer's Post: Painted Leaf

 

When Jenn posted this leaf photo for our weekly prompt, the humor writer in me thought, what's funny about that?

To find humor, we must compare leaves to people. We're born small, grow large, and then shaky. At times we do things to make our faces turn red, then we plummet to the ground because that much color only comes when drunk or sunburned. 

So in conclusion, there is nothing funny about a color-changing leaf. Now leaf blowers: that's a different story.

Thanks to those who push the Picket Fence!

Wordless Wednesday: The Travelers

My kids are quite the travelers.

Erica enjoyed being on a tropical island.

Judy traveled to the bottom of the ocean … without a diving mask.

My child even visited the moon … without a space suit!

Welcome to another dimension – The Twilight Zone.

Erica even traveled back in time to her grandparents honeymoon!

But Daniel beats all because he's been to South of the Border!

Now it's your turn to travel to the Picket Fence and vote for me. Thanks!

#GBE: Loyalty

This weeks blog hop is about "Loyalty," which reminds me of some special someones whose loyalty brings inner peace to me and everyone else so blessed by them.

Thanks to Lori for her great e-mail that I've reproduced below!

Inner  Peace    
      
  If you can start the day without caffeine, 
  If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and  pains,   
  If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,   
  If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,   
  If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,     
If you can take criticism and  blame without resentment, 
  If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
  If you can relax without liquor,   
  If you can sleep without the aid of  drugs,                                                                   

 ....Then You Are Probably.......

 

    The  Family Dog!       

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual, didn't you?
 

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Silly Sunday: Vending Machines

Here's a link if you want to join Rhonda's Silly Sunday: Laugh Quotes

A Texas salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

Writer's Post: Serenity

For this week's Writer's Post, Jenn has posted the above picture and asked us to use the word "serenity" in our blogs.

Serenity - The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

This is just the case for bikes! Just ask my brother and sister about French Lick, Indiana, and they'll tell you how serene bike riding is. Unfortunately, they veered onto the rocky horse trail instead of the bike path, which was fine until a rider yelled, "Giddy Up." A broken collar bone for bro and cast-covered leg for sis, and we were headed home. Daggumit! They cut our vacation short. So in their honor, here's their favorite song–NOT.

A few years later, I learned how to ride a bike and almost lost my life too. Remember, bike riding equals serenity. While zooming down a hill, I peddled at high speed. Upon reaching bottom, I found myself rolling head first into a car. Right when I was ready to collide (without a helmet since we didn't know any better back then), some invisible person grabbed my bike handles and steered me out of the way. I guess I wasn't meant to die at age seven.

As an adult, I bought a ten-speed racing bike and rode back into the serene experience of bike riding. I even competed in several triathelons. After all, there is nothing like the serene feel of skirting past traffic on busy streets. Not to mention the butt aches.

Recently, the only thing serene is the bike itself. It's gathering dust in our garage. Perhaps it's time to dust off the bike, fill the tires, and go for a "serene" bike ride.

If you like, please click the fence. Thanks!

#WordlessWednesday: What have they done to their dogs?

Camel Dog

Legalized Animal Abuse

Feeling Groovy

Ewok

The Panda Dog is the most popular in China.

He's so gerrrr

Giddy-up Doggy

No pinching of this pooch on St. Patty's Day

Camel Dog

What are you looking at?

#GBE2: The Blog–One Year Ago

One Year Ago

One year ago, I'll bet you had never heard of "Catch My Words." Although I started this blog in July of 2009, my posts were infrequent and ignored. In reality, my blog didn't actually take off until the A-Z Challenge in April 2011. Last year at this time, I'd received under three-hundred hits total and had as many followers as I could count on one hand.

I also posted sporadically. Looking back to last year, I had posted once in August and once in September. The September post, an editor's writing contest, received zero comments. After that, I didn't post anything until November–Colonoscopy This too received zero comments, even though it used a slight bit of humor. If no one reads my post, is it still funny?

Now I post about three to four times a week and get over 200 hits each day. My latest stats show 8,791 hits in August, which was more than I received in 2009 and 2010 combined. One day in August, I received a record number of hits: 529. Since then, I've broken 400 many times.

Click here to learn more.

My traffic just about doubled once I joined Entrecard. If you're not a member, you should check it out!

And of course I love votes on the Picket Fence. Thanks!

Silly Sunday: Curtain Rods

Since today is 9/11, I'm faced with the dilemma: Do I participate in Rhonda's Silly Sunday at http://www.laugh-quotes.com or skip it this week since it's such a sad day for our country. I've decided to participate and here's why. Although I didn't lose anyone on 9/11, I've lost many loved ones and all of them would want me to be happy, so here's a Silly Sunday story.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left...   When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.     

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T  YOU?

Writer's Post: It's About Time

Many folks fuss about how they never have enough time; and if they only had more, they'd _(fill in the blank)_. But in reality, we've met people who have plenty of time, and here's a break down of who they are.

The Hypochondriac

With massive amounts of time, this person frequently visits Dr. Google to learn about obscure illnesses they'll never get.  Next, they pop pills and revisit Dr. Google to figure out how to treat these diseases. Who needs real doctors to tell you you're well when you have Dr. Google around?

The Binger

When faced with nothing better to do, one will snack until the body looks like the hippo at the zoo. Then they'll find themselves running behind the fit runners just like a character from the stampede scene in "Jumanji."



The Shopper

When my mother–of blessed memory–grew old, she'd fill her time cruising the shopping malls only to return her purchases the next day. Hey! It gave her something to do.


The Pest

When busy, we don't notice little annoyances or choose not to address them because we don't have time; but in reality, most of these "problems" don't need attention. However, children certainly need an adult to hover over them and make sure they grow up  right. After all, why should they be left to solve their own problems when they have a perfectly bored mother? Mrs. Fix It will lend an overbearing hand to help everyone with their problems.

So in conclusion, I have all the time I need. With more, I'm sure I'd be 100% annoying instead of mildly obnoxious.


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#GBE2 Parenting & Children

Having successfully raised three kids, I'm an expert on child rearing so was thrilled about this week's GBE2 prompt giving me the chance to offer parenting advice. Sorry for the length of the article, but I have a lot of wisdom to share.

Good parenting starts in infancy or even before--dump the beer and cigs, lady--you're pregnant! Once you make it through morning sickness, you might as well pay attention to that little tax deduction. In fact, crying is their only means of communication, so ignoring the bambino is like saying, "You're not important." Don't teach them that!

When our kids were infants, I'd get dressed, put on the snuggle sack and papoose the babies all day every day. It was a constant hug and rub of the back for those special bundles. Then I had back surgery. Would I do it again? You betcha, but with regular visits to the chiropractor.

Those were the days!

Once the kiddos got older, we disciplined them; however, my husband and I never hit or even spanked any of our children (with the exception of the smart mouthed teen who got a playful smack on the tush). That's not to say we didn't use corporal punishment. If they disobeyed, we wouldn't let them brush their teeth. Usually the threat was enough to prevent the rule breaking. No joke. With toddlers, it's all a matter of perspective, and you can twist it any way you like.

I often let instincts take over in child raising. For example, my two year old son ran into the street and missed getting hit by a truck. Many parents would spank a kid who does this, but not me. Instead I grabbed that baby boy and hugged him tightly while boo hooing like a sissy. "I thought I was going to lose you. I don't know what I would've done because I love you so much." Now he's twenty-three years old and still has not run into the street, I hope. He does like to go bar hopping in Charleston.

Ever wonder about tantrums? Shortly after our youngest was born, our middle child went through a "stage." Instead of ignoring the tantrum, I restrained her thrashing arms and legs and told her, "I love you and won't let go until you calm down."

Thirty minutes later, sweat covered my body and I was out of breath, but I had a calm child who hugged me tightly. We repeated the scene, two more times. The second time took fifteen minute and the third, five. After that, we never saw a tantrum again. At least from the kids. ;-)

My tantrums weren't too bad. In fact, I kept my cool even when that toddler girl cried as she held out her finger. I said, "Mommy will kiss the finger," and I put my lips all over it.

Next she said, "I pee peed on my finger."

Alex Ginsburg is a great photographer!

Kissing pee is mild compared to what happens in the teenage years, remember, I slapped one. Once I caught my darling daughter digging through my closet. "What are you looking for?" I asked.

She said, "Tomorrow is dress like a loser day, so I was looking for something to wear."
 
Uh, huh. Teens are great for one's self esteem. If you'd like to read more of my parenting wisdom, Empower Your Children will show you how to help your eleven year old develop skills to land him a job after college. I hope you'll read it because it's the best thing we ever did for our kids!

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Wordless Wednesday: Feeling Groovy

Allie's Bat Mitzvah

Gabe's Bar Mitzvah

My husband and I have had a groovy time going to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
















I dare you to listen to this song and not crack a smile.

Britney's Bat Mitzvah

I was with my groovy daughter at Britney's Bat Mitzvah.

Musical Monday: Two Way Radio

I work with a talented lady named Kate Crowder, and here is one of her songs from her band Two Way Radio. They were featured on an MTV show called Five Dollar Cover. Enjoy the music!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava’s LoungeSTRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice. Please note these links are

Thank you for joining us on Music Monday! Let's get going shall we?

1.  LJL - You got a friend   15.  Classic NYC Story -- Let's get it on   2.  Unofficial Chart Blog   16.  Proud Mommy   3.  bethere2day   17.  Mike Golch   4.  Mariuca   18.  Caroline : My Stories   5.  Namz   19.  Heart break sessions...   6.  Liz, Manila   20.  Dickster's Random Thoughts   7.  Maria @ LSS   21.  Mekinudols   8.  Cafe au lait (time2laugh)   22.  Mystery Man   9.  Cafe au lait   23.  Lynn   10.  Dazediva : Ice Cube - You Can Do It   24.  MusicMonday - ♫ Breathe-Faith Hill (Lyrics) ♫   11.  Mirage   25.  Joyce   12.  Ernhez   26.  Inside Hollywood   13.  BFDude   27.  The Entertainment Stop   14.  Hidayah- Raya
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Silly Sunday: Pole Dancer?

If you saw a kid draw this, what would you think?

We've all heard that the truth is stranger than fiction.

Here is a picture that a little girl drew at school and the note that her mother sent to the teacher in an effort to explain that things are not as they appear.

Yeah, right lady. We know what you do. ;)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
     I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

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