Silly Sunday: Terrorist Plot Revealed

On my way to the mailbox, I found a note in my yard and KNOW I've uncovered a secret terrorist plot. The plan will be orchestrated by three men code named "Hot Dogs, Beer, and Yazoo." These chicken-hearted thugs are planning an offensive against farms in Avocado Heights, California. To prepare for the assault, they've worked their buns off earning bread. They've also found secret contacts in bars. Pease take heed to this dangerous message before we roast in hot soup. 

Upon further inspection, I discovered that these bad guys lure dogs into the mission through treats such as pies made with pot. Before you water down the seriousness of my find, be aware of their use of a dangerous chemical code named "Diet Coke." They've tried to smooth over the hard results of this mission by sending the Arabic greeting of peace, "Salaam." Furthermore, the Swiss have funded their attack through the sale of candy. I need to contact the FBI to inform them of how I chipped away this cheesy plan all from a note in my yard. 

So here's the note. Do you think I'm on to something?

#Dayum!

My friend Kathy from the Giggling Trucker's Wife has asked us to write about what we are passionate about, so I've included a list of these things below.

1.

Dayum!

My daughter says I can't remember anything because I drink diet soft drinks. That must be why my list is blank.

Dayum!

Furthermore, the commercial states that the average person spends the same amount of time in the bathroom as on vacation. I spend more time in the bathroom.

Dayum!

Kathy writes, "If I didn’t pursue my passions, I think life would be pretty dismal.  Pursuing passions makes life worth living and more meaningful." I haven't pursued much recently.

Dayum!

It could be worse. I could be on a broken down cruise ship with sharks, or err lawyers, swimming all around. 

Here's a fitting commercial for Carnival.

Dayum! Dayum! Dayum!

#GBE2: The Crowd

      

She munches a skinny sprig of celery and then sends it to her personal jacuzzi. 

Or perhaps, she'll pretend to enjoy an apple--a starter food that avoids the crowd as it churns to oblivion before it rains 

                              peanut butter crackers. 

                  The storm always comes. 

Still trying to stay healthy with a bit of protein, she searches for the perfect snack. 
But a healthy treat is not what she craves--
only a filler to stall a rising crowd in her acid pool. 

Chips

                                     Dips

Chocolate cookies

Ice cream

Soda pop

M&Ms

                       Doritos

                            Cheetos

                                     Oreos

Oh nos!

There's no turning back once "the crowd" sends her butt to the Lane Bryant store.

Wordless Wednesday: Bath & Body Works Revisited

Sleep lotions are not all one can find at Bath & Body Works.

You can buy a lotion to give you energy.

or if you want to be sexy for Valentine's Day. . . 

Ooooo, sensual. 

A Song That Doesn't Represent my Life

Last Thursday, Suzy asked fellow bloggers to share songs that represented our lives. If I were to do that, you'd probably fall asleep reading my post. I figured it would be more fun to play a song that DOESN'T represent me and to participate in the wonderful Musical Monday on a Silly Sunday!

Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

When I was in third grade, I wore a bikini that actually looked cute covering my undeveloped chest and showing my flat little girl stomach; however, since those days, I wouldn't be caught in one. First off, I'm short wasted and look better in a one piece. Secondly, I've become a prude who doesn't like looking sexy. And finally, when I last wore a bikini, I got myself in trouble. 

I know that sounds hard to believe when we're talking about an eight-year-old, but let me explain. Back in the day, we played a hose game called Filling Station. Kids would dart around in swim suits, wait in line to grab the hose, stick it in swim suit bottoms to fill up the car and continue running again. Sounds like a totally innocent kids' game, doesn't it? It was! Never-the-less, when my brother pulled out the home movies and captured me sticking a hose down my pants, I never heard the end of it.

That's why I switched from bikinis to one-pieces. I didn't want to be tempted to stick a hose down my pants again!

Enjoy this retro song written by Brian Hyland and sung by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.



PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Wordless Wednesday: Meditation

Photo by Bev Gutmann / Caption from Josh Arcus

I sure hope they clean the end of that pole before tomorrow's shift.

Silly Sunday: Dog Does Float Trip

"The Swaz" 1998-2011

Year's ago, we took the Swaz on a float trip down a Tennessee river. Our large golden retriever "enjoyed" a day which probably haunted him into old age. First, we paddled through floating grass, but the dog thought it was the real thing as he stepped out of the canoe and dove head first under water. We struggled to pull the front end of this massive beast out of the river because his back legs were lodged in the boat, and he'd drown without our help. That was our warm up.

Later, we tipped in rapids that left us in panic once we brought our heads to the surface. Swaz was nowhere to be seen. Finally, my husband lifted the canoe to find our baby paddling underneath it. Upon seeing Mitchell, Swaz panicked as he climbed on top of Mitchell's shoulders continually trying to get higher out of the water. We should have charged admission to laughing observers on shore. If you decide to take your dog floating, beware.

Silly Sunday: Chickens

Two morons were walking down the street. 

The first one says, "Hey! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, I'll give you both of them."

"Three."

"No fair. You peeked!"

Photo from Backyard Chickens.com

For more chicken fun, visit The Backyard Chicken

A farmer graduates from Texas A&M and starts his own chicken farm. He buys three chickens, plants them in the ground feet first and then waters and fertilizes them. Much to his dismay, the chickens die. So, he buys three more chickens and plants them in the ground head first. After water and fertilization, these chickens die even faster. After that, the confused farmer writes his school and tells what happened. 

The next week, a letter arrives from Texas A&M:

Dear Farmer,
Please send soil sample.

 

Wordless Wednesday: Drivers

I'd rather drive with Honey Bear behind the wheel than the lady below.

Silly Sunday: Spanish Test

An eighth grader was asked to take a practice probe to help him prepare for achievement tests. After he logged into the program, he raised his hand and said in a condescending voice, "Ah, my test is in Spanish, and I don't speak Spanish." 

Please notice question number one on his test...

Caffe latte, cappuccino, and café au lait are all words or phrases from other countries that mean drinks made with ________________.

a. Chocolate

b. Coffee

c. Sugar

d. Tea

Theme Thursday: Ants

The ants go marching one by one, the little one stops to suck his thumb.

Ants don't have thumbs.

The ants go marching two by two, the little one stops to tie his shoe. 

Nor wear shoes. 


The ants go marching three by three, the little one stops to climb a tree. 

To avoid being stepped on?


The ants go marching four by four, The little one stops to shut the door. 

Never seen an ant do this.

The ants go marching five by five, The little one stops to take a dive.

Are they marching on water?

The ants go marching six by six, The little one stops to pick up sticks.

Why?

The ants go marching seven by seven, the little one stops to pray to heaven.

Dear Lord, 
Please make me 50 times stronger than a man of my weight. Oh wait, you already did. So please grant me the intelligence of one woman.

                                                       Amen

 

The ants go marching eight by eight, The little one stops to shut the gate.

That I'd like to see.

The ants go marching nine by nine, The little one stops to check the time.  

Sundial?

The ants go marching ten by ten, the little one stops to say "THE END," and they all go marching down, to the ground, to get out of the rain, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Finally! Yes, ants get out of the rain because they can drown. Usually they take refuse in my mailbox. Unfortunately, the last line didn't redeem the song, so let's listen to something better.

Meet Adam Ant. 

Wordless Wednesday: Sleep

We found body products to help one sleep at the 

Bath and Body Works store.

It worked too well because when I spritzed some on, 

I instantly fell asleep.

Erica had the same problem, so we called 

the sales lady over . . .

but she fell asleep too.

I'm the Host for This Post! PAST LIVES

If karma is real, I must have done something dreadful in my past life. Perhaps all of us teachers burned multiple villages and our students were the victims of that wrath. They take pleasure in helping us atone for those heinous crimes. Why else would we step into a classroom?

That might have been my first incarnation, but it wasn't my most recent one. To quote Steve Martin, "I was born a poor black child." Seriously, I looked something like Aunt Jemima as I watched the white folks dance with a fiddle around a campfire. I longed to join the fun but looking at my fat, black thighs, I knew no slave could dance with whites.

I saw this image under hypnosis at a college event at the AEPi house. The fraternity hired a hypnotist for an evening's entertainment. As we sat in a circle, we closed our eyes, traveled back to a previous life, and voila––the slave watching the party.

Each fraternity brother and little sister told a unique tale of guarding castle walls or enjoying picnics with a family. My friend frantically recalled a room filled with people screaming as fog entered vents. The hypnotist immediately snapped him out of his trance.

One may argue that a brief vision of myself as a slave does not mean I was one; however, this image makes a lot of sense. Every t-shirt I own has a stretched out neckline from my compulsion to loosen anything tight around my neck. I've never been able to wear turtlenecks and seeing choker necklaces makes me ill to the point that I once got dizzy from looking at one. I always wear my long sleeves rolled because I despise anything tight around my wrists, too. Even my watch dangles loosely from my arm. Did I once endure tight ropes around my wrists while being led to my hanging?

I also find a natural chemistry between African Americans and myself. No doubt about it, I was a slave.

Before I suffered in the fields under the lash, a family friend, who has been helpful to us over the years, claims to have been Queen Isabella of Spain after a visit with a hypnotist. She has since apologized for her cruel actions toward Jews. I guess karma strikes again.

Furthermore, when my daughter was two, she told me she missed her other mother. I said, "I'm the only mother you've ever had." She insisted she remembered another mother with yellow hair who wore a doctor's outfit. Who knows? Maybe Erica really did remember another mother.

I've found a few interesting reads on the topic of reincarnation. Dr. Brian Weiss was skeptical until he met a patient recalling her past life traumas. He went on to write multiple books on the subject, which I absorbed like a sponge. A few years back, I read a fascinating work of fiction by Ann Brashares called My Name is Memory about a man who remembered all of his past lives and worked through multiple lifetimes trying to make the same woman fall in love with him. This book kept me up all night but after three years, I've yet to see the second book of the trilogy.

Now it's your turn. Since I'm the host of this post, link up after midnight. What do you think about past lives?


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