Gilad Shalit

Gilad Shalit captured at age 19

Although I'm a humor blogger, every now and then, news happens and I'm compelled to voice my opinion about it.

Gilad Shalit today

With the recent release of Gilad Shalit, Israel has once again shown that she is unlike any country in the world. In case you missed it, this Israeli soldier had been held prisoner by the Palestinians for five years. Yesterday he was released in exchange for 1,027 Palestinian prisoners. Several of these prisoners were terrorists who had made threats, carried out vicious attacks, or even murdered Israeli citizens. Israel swapped 1,027 prisoners for one, and the citizens of Israel were mostly in favor of the exchange.

Free Gilad Shalit open air concert

This is not the first time Israel has done this.  Over the last 30 years, Israel has released about 7,000 Palestinian prisoners to secure freedom for 19 Israelis and to retrieve the bodies of eight others.1

Many folks are probably asking the obvious question, "Why exchange one soldier for a thousand criminals?" If that one soldier were your son, wouldn't you do anything to get him back? That is the attitude of Israel. Every life is important and the country will do whatever it takes to get its soldiers home safely. As a result, Israel has one of the most loyal armies in the world. Those soldiers take risks because they love their country and know that the country loves them.

Let's contrast this with the mentality of Hamas who encourages their young to strap suicide belts around their wastes and kill innocent civilians. How can Israel make peace with people who hate them more than they love their own children?  


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Wordless Wednesday: Pumpkins

As you shop for your pumpkin, follow my plan… if you dare. Last year, I bought a huge pumpkin at the Farmer's Market for $2. The trick: I waited until Halloween day. The farmers didn't want to lug pumpkins back to Arkansas, so they were practically giving them away. With kids in college, it wouldn't be a tragedy to be stuck without one; however, I found an abundance of quality pumpkins at giveaway prices.

#GBE2: Safe Haven

When I was a little girl, my friends and I would often build mini safe havens in the den. We'd place chairs, TV trays, ottomans or anything else we could find at odd angles and then cover them with blankets to make a mini burrow that we'd crawl through. Next, feeling as if we were in our own private place, we'd play inside the blanketed house. It was great as long as no one farted. ;-)

Safe Haven? Yeah, right!

I don't remember my kids doing this (I'm talking about building tent houses, not farting). In fact, the only time I'd ever seen a blanketed safe haven, other than mine, was in the movie Sixth Sense when Haley Joel Osment tried to escape his ghostly visitors. Ironically, he never felt as safe in his safe haven as we did in ours. Maybe ghosts had filled our blanketed hutch too, but would this be a bad thing? After all, without a body, one cannot pass gas. I would think it would be a blessing to be with ghosts and here's a second reason why.

Friday night, my husband and I enjoyed a community dinner in a sukkah. The story behind the sukkah is that anyone from the past is invited to join us there. With the rabbi's nudging, several guests mentioned who they'd like to invite to dinner. First I wanted to invite my parents, but I also would have enjoyed dinner with Gilda Radner in her Roseanna Roseanna Dana get up. I always liked comical ghosts instead of spooky ones. My parents were also quite funny, so they would have fit right in with Gilda in this sukkah safe haven complete with ghosts. What could be safer than a homemade structure with lost loved ones?

Silly Sunday: Sooty

       
The truth is stranger than fiction. Check out this newspaper article. Also this can be found on The Telegraph (UK News) and the BBC.

Guinea pig harem says 'hello Sooty' 

A GUINEA pig called Sooty had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunnelling into a cage of 24 females.

He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of 43 offspring. Staff at Little Friend's Farm in Pontypridd, South Wales, have now secured Sooty's pen - and begun looking for homes for the guinea pigs. Owner Carol Feehan, 42, said: "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy.

"We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage. We looked for him everywhere but never thought of checking the pen where we keep 24 females. We did a head count and found 25 guinea pigs - Sooty was fast asleep in the corner. He was absolutely shattered. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days."

Meet the kids from Sooty's two nights of passion.

Writer's Post: Atmosphere

This week's Writer's Post topic is "Atmosphere." 

Well, okay.

Do you know where this is?

I remember the first time I heard the words, "Information Super Highway." I tried to picture a road of electricity zipping through a black void. As the eighties buzzed with talk of a future with information instantly flashing across the globe, my double-fisted-sized brain couldn't comprehend exactly what this invention meant. After all, who knew our
technological world would mean sending a laugh to folks on the other side of the planet? How could I have ever met a person from England, Germany, or keep up with my friend in New Zealand on a teacher's salary? Oh, I forgot. Our being over paid has caused the world's economic problems.

I always loved a good sci-fi movie or flipping on Lost in Space--the best choice out of our five TV stations. Looking back, Will Robinson's robot was as sophisticated as a box of Tinker Toys; on a scale of one to ten, Captain Kirk's uniform is right up their with the coolness of the Village People; and the scenes from Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) look fake. Don't laugh, it wasn't a comedy.

Future generations will look back and think how primitive we were back in 2011… or maybe not, since the world is gonna end in 2012…unless…of course, the cartoon below is true.

Wordless Wednesday: Friendship

I feel sorry for kids who don't have dogs.

#GBE2: Please Send Some Clarity

Mick Jagger

Don Knotts

Is it me or do these two celebrities really look alike? I've always seen a resemblance between Mick Jagger and Don Knotts. Now for a good laugh, picture Don Knotts on stage dancing in rock and roll glitter… or Mick Jagger playing Barney Fife or the dentist in The Shakiest Gun in the West.

Now that would be funny.

                       

Above is one of my favorite movie scenes. Don Knotts attempts to become a dentist, but this patient gives him trouble.

 

Mick Jagger's singing is phenomenal, but every time he moves those big lips, I think, Don Knotts. Just ignore the hair, cool threads, and confident swagger while focusing on his face. Then picture Barney Fife ripping off his deputy shirt and tossing it across the police station. Do you see the resemblance? Clarity.

Here's a pair I often confuse. Do you? How about some clarity here?
                                       

Jeff Bridges

Nick Nolte

I guess all these white guys look alike. Is it clear who is who or do you ever watch a movie and ask yourself, Is that Jeff of Nick?

I also confuse these two and need more clarity…

Keira Knightly

Marty Feldman

  
  


 




Just kidding!

Silly Sunday: Redneck Hunting Accident

The Writer's Post: Walking Away

Walking away is normally not tough; but tonight, I just don't think I can manage it. See, several weeks ago, I think I did something to my leg in Mr. Mario's elementary school running group. The PE teacher had us hopping over cones. This is easy peasy for nine and ten year olds but not for old ladies like me. After that workout, the area behind my knee started to ache.

Mr. Mario said, "It sounds like your hamstring."
I told him, "Can't be. I'm Jewish, and Jews don't eat ham."
He didn't buy it.

I've lived with mild pain for almost a month, but it hasn't been too bad; so I've continued running. Sometimes it hurts when I start, other times when I'm in motion, but always after a good run. On Saturday, I ran five miles and felt it after mile four.

Today Mr. Mario had us sprinting the length and width of a soccer field then resting for a minute and a half before going at it again. Turns out some of those little turkeys have been making fun of my great running talent. They must be jealous because I am consistently last, and they haven't learned how to be consistent runners.

It's okay. I have tough skin, but my porkstring, not so much. I guess instead of walking away, I'll have to limp… and you expected a deeply emotional post about "Walking Away?" Pffft.

 Lashana Tova to all my Jewish friends. I'll be out of commission (and the refrigerator) for a good part of the week-end, so I'll catch you later.

#GBE2: Balance

I don't have great balance. In fact, if a cop pulled me over, I might get arrested if they asked me to walk a straight line, even if sober. It's just that balance has never been one of those natural tasks for me.

When I was a Girl Scout, our troop performed a dance in which we jumped through sticks. Being uncoordinated, the leader stuck a grass skirt around my waist and had me wave my arms like a hoola girl. Everyone was jealous that I got that job. Let's hear it for clumsiness!

Way back when, I took taek won do and actually developed some balance. Then I got pregnant, and it was gone. I've never found it again.

Oh. You mean we're supposed to write about having a balanced life? Balancing everything we have to do? Heck! I can't even balance my check book. And as for the serious side of balance, my life is so out of balance, it would make my dancing look good!

Wordless Wednesday: Why Women Live Longer Than Men

 

Any questions?

Silly Sunday Shorts

A fish swims into a wall--Dam!

A man walks into a bar--Ouch!

A blogger posts lame Silly Sunday jokes--D*mn! Ouch!

Please come back anyway. I have my work evaluation on Thursday, the middle section of my novel is due to my instructor on Friday, my house needs to be cleaned for company on Saturday, and I must complete progress reports for my intellectually gifted students who keep dry under the special education umbrella in the state of Tennessee.

Sorry for not visiting as much. Life has gotten hectic--D*mn! Ouch!

Please visit Rhonda at Laugh Quotes to link up to her Silly Sunday blog hop.

Writer's Post: The Road Block to Donuts

Here I am once again facing my biggest road block when I should be working on Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts. Will, my ten year old character, wants to be invited to the weekly donut party at Harrison Zimmerman's house, but to get an invite, he must be part of the in-crowd. For a kid like Wimpy Will, this could happen–like never.

But life changes when along comes Slater, a clever fifth grader with a pointy Mohawk on top of his rounded head. Slater is eager to teach Will how to transform into Knob, the cool tough soldier; but in order to succeed, Will must pass several tests.

He certainly could do this if I'd spend more time on the novel and less time on the blog! So what do you think is my biggest road block?

Below is my opening couple of paragraphs. The first draft manuscript is almost totally complete, but it feels like a young dog: bony and lanky. I need to go back and add some meat.

Mrs. Zimmerman's Donuts

by

Yours Truly

            Every Friday after school, Harrison Zimmerman invited popular boys over for a stupid end-of-the-week celebration. His mom would fry up homemade donuts dipped in thick chocolate sauce. My mouth watered as we passed his house and I breathed in the scent of those gooey pieces of dough.   

Mom usually fell into a tantrum at the thought of me swallowing anything slightly junky. She fussed over eating healthy as if my gut would explode if the tiniest bit of sugar or grease tickled my insides. But the real reason I’d never eaten the donuts: Harrison had never invited me. Actually, no one had ever asked me to go anywhere.

Things were about to change.… if my author will get off the internet already. I'm a desperate boy in need of serious help! ARGGGHHH!

 

Wordless Wednesday: When Art Visits America

Michaelangelo's David before visiting America

… and after…

Meet his sponsors:

#GBE2: The Beautiful Legs Contest

Is this a good one?

As a mere elementary student, I was chosen from the audience at a high school carnival to decide which guy had the most beautiful legs. A paper screen covered their faces and torsos while I walked across the stage looking for a great pair of legs. To be honest, I didn't have a clue. What are good legs supposed to look like to someone with an age still in the single digits? Finally, I pressed my finger against some guy's knee and he reveled in his victory.

Today, I'm still not sure what makes a great pair of guy legs. I'm more of a face girl, maybe one who takes notice of a cute butt, but legs never did anything for me. So at a young age I learned that the secret to judging is to set a criteria. I still don't have one, so I'm asking for your help in case anyone else ever asks me to judge beautiful legs.

What makes male legs beautiful?

I'm leaving you with a funny leg clip because nothing is beautiful about a possessed leg!

I don't know why I still ask people to push the Picket Fence button, but go ahead if you want to.

Silly Sunday: Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" 

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

Thanks to Rhonda at Laugh Quotes. Click the link to find more jokes and fun.

The Writer's Post: Painted Leaf

 

When Jenn posted this leaf photo for our weekly prompt, the humor writer in me thought, what's funny about that?

To find humor, we must compare leaves to people. We're born small, grow large, and then shaky. At times we do things to make our faces turn red, then we plummet to the ground because that much color only comes when drunk or sunburned. 

So in conclusion, there is nothing funny about a color-changing leaf. Now leaf blowers: that's a different story.

Thanks to those who push the Picket Fence!

Wordless Wednesday: The Travelers

My kids are quite the travelers.

Erica enjoyed being on a tropical island.

Judy traveled to the bottom of the ocean … without a diving mask.

My child even visited the moon … without a space suit!

Welcome to another dimension – The Twilight Zone.

Erica even traveled back in time to her grandparents honeymoon!

But Daniel beats all because he's been to South of the Border!

Now it's your turn to travel to the Picket Fence and vote for me. Thanks!

#GBE: Loyalty

This weeks blog hop is about "Loyalty," which reminds me of some special someones whose loyalty brings inner peace to me and everyone else so blessed by them.

Thanks to Lori for her great e-mail that I've reproduced below!

Inner  Peace    
      
  If you can start the day without caffeine, 
  If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and  pains,   
  If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,   
  If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,   
  If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,     
If you can take criticism and  blame without resentment, 
  If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
  If you can relax without liquor,   
  If you can sleep without the aid of  drugs,                                                                   

 ....Then You Are Probably.......

 

    The  Family Dog!       

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual, didn't you?
 

 Please click the Picket Fence. Thanks!

Silly Sunday: Vending Machines

Here's a link if you want to join Rhonda's Silly Sunday: Laugh Quotes

A Texas salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

Writer's Post: Serenity

For this week's Writer's Post, Jenn has posted the above picture and asked us to use the word "serenity" in our blogs.

Serenity - The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

This is just the case for bikes! Just ask my brother and sister about French Lick, Indiana, and they'll tell you how serene bike riding is. Unfortunately, they veered onto the rocky horse trail instead of the bike path, which was fine until a rider yelled, "Giddy Up." A broken collar bone for bro and cast-covered leg for sis, and we were headed home. Daggumit! They cut our vacation short. So in their honor, here's their favorite song–NOT.

A few years later, I learned how to ride a bike and almost lost my life too. Remember, bike riding equals serenity. While zooming down a hill, I peddled at high speed. Upon reaching bottom, I found myself rolling head first into a car. Right when I was ready to collide (without a helmet since we didn't know any better back then), some invisible person grabbed my bike handles and steered me out of the way. I guess I wasn't meant to die at age seven.

As an adult, I bought a ten-speed racing bike and rode back into the serene experience of bike riding. I even competed in several triathelons. After all, there is nothing like the serene feel of skirting past traffic on busy streets. Not to mention the butt aches.

Recently, the only thing serene is the bike itself. It's gathering dust in our garage. Perhaps it's time to dust off the bike, fill the tires, and go for a "serene" bike ride.

If you like, please click the fence. Thanks!